Of Bugs and Parrots

Hihihihihihihihi all my somebody friends! It's me again! And I got lots to tell you. Well, it's not really lots unless I can think of lotsa things to say, but I can't tell you another things I thinked on Thursday cuz it isn't Thursday today, so that would be silly! Anyway, I thinked that I would just tell you some things anyway. Is that all right?

So, the first thing is that my human has a change of work hunting place today. She says this is normal, that in her job contract, whatever that is, she has to change the place she day hunts in every three months so that she does the same day hunting, but just in a different place. And I thinked that was pretty silly, cuz if you hunt in the same place for three whole months which is the same as forever, then there'll be no mousies or balls or money papers left to hunt cuz you'd have catched them all. Then I thinked that perhaps the human wasn't a very good hunter which is why it might take her that long to catch all the things before she changes the place. And then I thinked, but what if the mousies and the balls and things that she hunts are just like the mousies and the balls in my house place? Cuz I've been hunting them for over seven months now, which is like more than two forevers, and they still come alive again even after I've deadded them propper. As soon as I walk away and come back again, they need deadded all over again! And it's hard work! My little bug, for example. The human says it's a Neakofly but it's not. It's a bug. But it's always alive. Even when I catch it and pick it up in my mouth and run away with it and say wrow, cuz you can't say weeeeow when you have a bug in your mouth cuz then it falls out and runs away and you gotta chase it and chase it and chase it till you catch it again and then pretend that you meant to let it drop all along anyway and that it was part of the game. The bug is really alive, cuz it crawled into the human's jacket pocket last night when it had had enough of me catching it. It went in there to hide from me, and then it stayed real still and real quiet. And me and the human forgetted all about it till this morning when the human got to her day hunting place and she put her hand in her jacket pocket to get her name badge which is like the secret thing you need to break into the day hunting place where all the coolest things are to hunt. And out jumped the bug and his string that he's attached to, and he tried to run away from her, and all the other mighty day hunters said hahahahahahaha when they see'd the bug. They were probly laughing at my human who couldn't even catch a bug that she'd already catched in her pocket! She says they said words like "crazy cat lady," and "Next she'll smuggle a kitten in in that pocket," and other stuffs like that, but she just said hahahahaha too and telled them she was comfortable with being a nutter as long as it involved snuggly kittens, and sparkly balls and stinky goodness and mousies. Well, she didn't say them last things, but I woulda said that if I was her, cuz they're the bestest things ever.

I got a new nickname too that I forgotted to tell you about. Dogman and the human and even the somebody that comes to take the human away in the big growly monster called car every morning which takes her to her day hunting call me this. They call me Parrot. Why? Cuz my favouritest place in the whole world, maybe even in more than the whole world is on somebody peoples' shoulders, but only on somebody peoples that I like! Oh, it's so coooooool up there! And whenever a somebody picks me up, I climbclimbclimbclimb all the way up them and then onto their shoulders and then I go round the back of their neck and put my front paws and my head on their other shoulder and then I peep out with my face next to theirs, and I say purpurpurpur cuz I'm so happy up there, and if they talk to me or sometimes even if they're not talking to me but talking to a somebody, i say weeeeow and reeeeow and rrroooow to them till they talk to me some too. I like talking!

And if the somebodies don't pick me up, I talk and talk and talk and talk and then I shout right by their feets. And if that doesn't work, I jump and climb all the way up. And if they're bending over, I jump onto their backs and then climbclimbclimb to their shoulders. And I even climbed up Dogman's arm once! The human is a horrid big meanie, cuz she tells all the somebodies not to let me do that. She says it's Ok now cuz I'm a cute little girlcat, but when I turn into a boring old fatty ladycat like mummycat, then I can't do it no more cuz I'll be too heavy and it'll hurt the somebodies. So every time I jump on her back, she straightens up real quick so I fall off her and onto the soft carpet. And even though she's usually on her knees so I don't fall far, and the carpet's soft so I don't really get hurt, I cry and cry like a lost little babycat, but it doesn't work on the human. She does let me on her shoulders, but she has to say it's Ok first before I jump, and if she says no, I gotta listen and not jump, cuz if I do, then I'll just fall off again. But it doesn't work on Dogman. I maked him bleed by accident the other day cuz I put my claws in his skin to climb. And he was upset and said ouch ouch, ooooow! a lot, but when I got to his shoulder I put my claws back in again. And the human said, "See?That's why you need to stop her doing it!" And so the next time when I jumped on him, he maked me fall off just like the nasty human. And I cried and cried and cried like a little hurted babycat, and he picked me up real fast and snuggled me and said "Oh, Millie! Are you all right? Did I hurt you? C'mere and have a cuddle. And as soon as he picked me up, I climbclimbclimbed all the way to his shoulder, and then I said purpurpur, and he couldn't tell me off cuz I hadn't jumped on him or nothing and it's Ok to climb, just not to jump. And so now, he doesn't make me fall off any more, even though the human tells him off for it all the time. Silly Dogman! He's being trained already! And if you wanna see a picture of me being a parrot, you can Look at it here, I think!

I think that's all I thinked of for today. Oh, sept one thing. My human is going away for a little while next week. She says that one of her family is coming across in the big bird that eats peoples and then spits them out again called aeroplane, and she's coming all the way from Ireland and she wants to go see a place called London, so the human's gonna go with her there for a while. And she says that Dogman's niece will come and stay with us and feed us and cuddle us. And Dogman's niece feeled me when I was still just a wriggle in mummycat's tummy (if you actually believe that story), and then she came to see me when I was a teeny, tiny babycat before I even had my eyes open, and she's come and tickled me sometimes too, so I think I'll like her. And then the human will come back on Thursday night with her cousin. And I don't know if I'll like her cuz I don't know her, but she has a girlcat of her own, so maybe she'll be Ok. And then I get to show off at a show on Saturday! Isn't that all exciting!

Now I really can't think of no more. Byebye!

Things I thinked on Thursday

Hihihihihihhi friends! It's me again! And it's my turn to write to you somebodies on this blog thing! Did you miss me all the way through reading what my boring old mummycat had to say? She's not as exciting as me, right?

I don't really have anything spe, spec, pacific (yeah, that's the right word) to weeeeow about today, so I think I'll just weeeeow about whatever I think about. Is that Ok? Oh, I just thinked of something! I don't only say weeeeow any more! I've learned to say rrrrrrreow, just like my stinky brother Paws who's now called Manny by his somebodies did. And the human thinks it's cute. And I say it to her in a real, real loud voice whenever she comes back from the thing that my mummycat says is called her day hunting, cuz I haven't see'd her in ages and I want her to know that I missed her and I need her lovin, now!

And my human's gone forever and forever all the time now. Mummycat says she's only gone for a few hours, and she's only been gone for 4 days so far, but she hasn't. You somebodies know I don't tell porkies, and if I say she's been gone forever and forever every day, then she has! Oh, I spose I should tell you that a porkie is a porkie pie which is my human's mummypeople's name for lies.

The human somebody has started calling me porkie. She calls me Porkie Pig who she says was a little fat piggie who used to be on the box with moving things in it but that you can't catch or touch that my human somebody says is called a TV. And she says he was really cute, but I thinked that I didn't wanna be called a Porkie Pig, even if he was cute. Cuz he's a boy, you see, and everybody somebody knows that boys stink. They're yucky! But she says she calls me Porkie Pig and Puddin and "Wee Fatty" and roly poly cuz I'm getting big and fat. But I know I'm not. It's all muscle and Ok, it might be soft muscle, but a girlcat's muscles don't firm up till she's much, much older, right? Like older than mummycat maybe? But then it's Ok, cuz then you're old enough to tell porkies about how you've only got a saggy tummy cuz you had babycats in it who wriggled and kicked and growed really big and stretched your tummy so that when you popped them out, they leaved a saggy tummy for you. But everybody somebody knows that babycats can't come from your tummy. It's only weewee and poopoo that comes from there, and so I think that mummycat's belly is saggy cuz she's a Porkie Pig too! And I got evidence, whatever that is, to say that that's not a porkie. Cuz my human put her in the bowl of the scary thing that talks to you when you sit on it, and it sayd "3645 grams!" And that's fatter'n me! Cuz then she maked me sit on it and it said "3185 grams" and I said weeeeow and climbed up the human to get away from it, cuz I don't like it very much at all. But them's some real big numbers! So we must be big cats! Do you think I should let her call me all them silly names she has for me?

Dogman has lotsa silly names for us. He makes up songs for mummycat, and he calls her mee-wow cuz when he used ta say that, she used to talk to him. And he calls me kitwin cuz he called me and my stinky brother Paws who's now called Manny the kitwins when we were both here, but now that he's gone, it's all my name, sept it's changed to just kitwin. Sometimes he calls me and mummycat kitwin and catwin and the human calls us double and trouble, sept she doesn't say the and bit. And she calls mummycat munstermunch (they're a kind of crisps over here) and she calls us both the munsters and she calls me "No, Millie" and "Stop it, Millie" and "Get off there where you're not supposed to be, Millie" a lot. So how're we sposed to know our names when they call us all them crazy words? I think we should just be called Mummycat and Millie or Mummycat and Girlcat, cuz I'm not a babycat any more so you can't call me babycat.

I gotted to try some real, real nice stinky goodness the other day that I haven't had ever in the world, and I loved it. And I eated the whole bowl, and the human said she was expecting me to get a runny bum cuz it wasn't the type we usually have, but we didn't. So now she thinks it might be something called grain that is giving me runny bum, cuz the new stuff was turkey pate and didn't have any of this grain stuff in it. And she says that I had it before when I was a very small babycat and that I loved it lots and that I decided after a while that I didn't like it, thank you very much, and I wouldn't eat it no more. So she gived it all away and then I started to like it again. Well, I know she's telling porkies, cuz there's no way I'd not like this stuff. It's great! But she only had 1 carton of it left, so we have to wait for the more that she buyed with the papers that she day hunts for. I don't wanna wait!

And I can't think of nothin else to say now, so I think I'm gonna go and tease mummycat that she's a porkie munstermunch mee-wow catwin pie. Um, I think that's the right name, right?

The Human and Millie and Me

Friends, it's a hard life being me, do you know that? This time last year I thought I had it hard, what with wooing all those mancats and keeping up my untouchable reputation, but honestly, I had no idea of how tough life could be! Now, not only do I have to manage a dull-whitted, recalcitrent human, but I have a kitten to contend with who regularly steals my food, my napping spots and, more importantly, my blog! What's a ladycat to do, friends? I've got no idea!

Anyway, life just got a whole lot tougher. You know why? Because that human, that uncaring, unfeeling human, has abandoned us today! She says she had to return to her day hunting, but I think she's secretly disappearing off to have a good time without us. Couldn't she just stay sick and at home if she cared about us? She reminded me as she gave me a big goodbye cuddle this morning that if she didn't go to her day hunting, there'd be none of those silly papers that she keeps in her purse and doesn't let me play with, and without those papers, there would be no cat food, no nice new toys, no more showing myself off at shows, none of it. I suppose she has a point, but I'd never admit that to her face.

But what to do, friends? I'm stuck at home all day now with this crazy kitten, with no decent company. Not that my human classes as decent company. More of a distraction than anything else, but you'll take my point, I trust. There's not even the addition of new stinky goodness in the bowl at lunchtime to break up the monotony of being the only sensible, clear thinking being in the house. Ok, so the human heaped our bowl full for us this morning. Ok, so there's always dry food down, so much that we'd have to eat until we were sick to get through it in a day. But you know what? I like the stinky goodness best when it's fresh. I mostly only lick the gravy off, and gravy isn't half as appealing if it's been in the bowl all day and Millie's been at it. Ok, the human'll give me more stinky goodness as soon as she gets home, but again, you'll take my point, won't you?

In my less guarded moments, I'll admit that my kitten is growing up nicely. She's not as manic as she used to be. She doesn't take every opportunity to attack me when she finds me sleeping. She doesn't stalk my tail all the time any more. In fact, sometimes she's quite fun. She's really good to play chase with all over the house, and we regularly do the wall of death around the sofas in the living room. Well, she does. You know I'm too much of a well mannered ladycat to go hairing around over the top of peoples and on their furniture, but the baby isn't well mannered at all, and she does everything to excess.

The human has been thinking about excess lately. She has found it fascinating to watch the development of Millie and compare her to me. Millie gorges on food. She's effusive in her snuggling. She plays hard, sleeps hard, loves hard. In fact, she does everything to extremes. Her purr, just like her brothers' is mega loud compared to mine. I, on the other hand, never eat too much when I'm not caring for or feeding kittens. I regulate my own weight beautifully, in fact, too well if you ask the human, as she thinks I'm getting too skinny again. I always ask politely before stepping onto a lap, and I never jump directly onto a people. My human wonders how much of this had to do with my upbringing. I was raised in a multi-cat household, in among many other breeding cats. For many years of my life, I lived in not very great conditions. Long term readers of the blog will know about this as we spoke about those conditions whenever the human first got me. I was always with many other cats, having to share food, and even people attention. The human looks at me sometimes and thinks I'm almost apologetic when I ask to do things like have a cuddle. I'll always understand if she's too busy to cuddle me, but because of this, she always makes a special effort to give me more attention, and hardly ever ignores me unless her hands are dirty or she's really, really busy. I don't even purr loudly. Even Dogman has noticed how quiet my purr is in comparison to Millie's. Millie will bounce in and out of cardboard boxes, but I don't really understand the fascination at all. I can't really work out what they're for. They're a box. Nothing special, right? Or is it because, being born and raised in catteries, I never had the chance to see cardboard boxes at an age where I would have investigated and discovered how fun they were?

And toys, there's another one. I didn't really know how to play until I came to live with the human. She had to teach me that it was Ok to catch the dangly toys that she flicked around, but when I discovered what ping pong balls were. Well, that was a glorious day! Did I have toys as a kitten? She doesn't know.

She's a good human, really. She tries to make sure I have lots of chances to explore new experiences that I might not have seen before. If I show an interest in a new toy, she'll help me get over my nervousness of it (I'm always a bit wary of new things), and she'll show me how to play with it and that it's Ok to play. She lets me try lots of different foods, and the only thing she doesn't really compromise on is that she won't feed me the low quality stinky goodness that I love so much because it's only 4% meat. It also gives the kitten a case of the runny bum, so that might have something to do with it. She takes time out of her day to spend with me, and doesn't let the kitten muscle in on that time. In short, she's pretty all right, really.

I'm so pleased that my baby is being given chances and experiences that I may never have had. It's making her a really rounded cat, and when I see the small things that my human does for her, it just reaffirms why I put up with all her idiocy. The kitten took a real fancy to a shoe box when she was a tiny baby. Her and her brothers used to play in it all the time. Now that was months ago, but because the kitten liked the box so much, the human wouldn't throw it out. Even though it was in the way, she just filled it with toys for the babycat instead, and kept it until Saturday. She only got rid of it because it was falling apart and she knew she'd have another shoe box arriving in the post that very day. Now, there's not many peoples that would do that!

My baby has the best of everything, just as she deserves. And I suppose the human's daily abandonment of me is a small price to pay for that, small when you see how confident my little girlcat is. There's nothing quite like snuggling your baby against your tummy (cuz we do snuggle now that she's stopped fighting me) and knowing that you picked the best human you could to give her a super start in life.

Now, before this gets any mushier, I'm gonna go throw up a hairball in one of the human's slippers... That'll teach her for leaving us!

Secret Paws, at last!

Hi there, friends, and thank you for all of your good wishes for our human yesterday. I just thought I'd stop in to say hello before Millie takes over the rest of this post too. My human has done better today. She's eaten well, and has stayed awake for most of the day which is quite an achievement! She's done some laundry and even managed to hang it all up before she got too tired to do more, so she's definitely improving. She's back at the human vets tomorrow so that they can steal lots of her bloods to do tests on just to make sure everything's all right. She says she's sick of the human vet, and I can understand that as she's been up there quite a lot recently. I can't believe she actually takes herself there voluntarily. I mean, would any sensible cat do that? Nuh uh. If it wasn't for the PTU, I'd not set paw within sniffing distance of a vet place. Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that she's fine and I'm fine and so everything's good! But it's time for our Secret Paws post. Yep, I know it's very late, but when you see what we got, it'll be worth the wait! I'm gonna let Millie tell you all about it seeing as it was her first Christmas and all.


Hihihihihihihi all you somebody friends! Oh,oh, oh, this is the most exciting post ever, cuz I get to tell you all about my Christmas and Santa Paws and everything that he bringed for me! And there's even pictures!


Our Secret Paws package came from Hannah and Lucy
and what a package it was! mummycat says that Santa Paws delivered a package from the girls last year too, and it was amazing then, but I know that this years' was even more amazing! Thank you thank you thank you Hannah and Lucy! Thank you lots and lots and lots! I musta been real, real, real good if Santa Paws telled you to buy all that stuff for me!


Let me tell you all about it. One day, the human came home from work to find two packages on our doorstep. She bringed them inside and set them down for a few seconds to take off her coat and shoes and work clothes, but when she came back, what did she find? One package had no paper on it any more, and the other one looked like a bag with a cute furry bum sticking out of it! the bag moved a lot, and my human's brave, cuz if I was her I wouldn't have went anywhere near it, cuz there was probly a monster in there. But she did go to the bag and she put her hand in and pulled on the thing attached to the cute furry bum and out popped... Me! Oh boy, oh boy, the smell of the present and the excitement was just too big for me, and I had to just get straight in there without waiting for anybody else! I also mighta taked all the paper off the box, but nobody see'd me do it, so I ain't saying if it was me or not! I like paper... See? Look. here's me here trying to help open my nice new mousie toy. I love my mousies!

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And the human said that as she was going away the next day and as I'd opened everything already anyway, today could be Christmas and I could have all my stuff. And I gotted real excited!

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And look at all the stuffs we got! There was loads of it! There was mousies and soft balls and sparkly pink balls and a ball that rattled and yummy treats and a super duper toy that you'll see in a minute, and a big catnip pillow and, and, everything! Look at all my toys!

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The first thing I hadda play with was my blue mousie. I loved him already, cuz he was the first thing I see'd in the parcel. I played and played and played with him lots and lots!

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And then I spotted the balls, and mummycat saw them too, and we both tried to decide if we would play with them.

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And then we both did, all at once! And we chased and chased and chased and killed them. And my favourite one was the pink ball. Just look at it!

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And then I taked my pink ball and my mousie and I put them near me and I telled mummycat that these were mine and she wasn't allowed them, pretty please, cuz I wanted them all for my own! So mummycat went instead and grabbed the big catnip pillow, and she bunnykicked it and she put the bitey on it and she rolled on it, and then i had to play too, cuz it was too good not to share!

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And then, friends, oh and then! My human opened the last box for us, and I went all crazypants like the Katnip cats do. Do you see my big springy toy? As soon as you touch itt, the whole thing moves and wiggles till you just gotta jump on it and kill it! And then it moves some more! And it's soooooo much fun! And I played and played and played and played with it till I gotted real tired. But look at it! Don't you want one too? It's the bestest toy ever! Sept for the blue mousie and the pink ball and the other balls and the catnip pillow and my Da Bird and my sparkly balls and my crinkle balls and everything else too. I have the bestest toys ever!

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But then my human taked out the last thing from the package, and oh my! It was treaties! And not just any old treaties. They were duck treaties! Real duck breast! And once me and mummycat heard that packet go crinkle crinkle crinkle, we climbed all over the human and asked if we could have some. And mummycat said Meow and I screamed till she gave us lots and lotsa treats! And even when she put the bag away, we kept asking for more which isn't what we usually do cuz we're clever and we know that when she puts the packet away there's no more treaties. But this time we asked so much that she gived us more anyway! Oh we love, love, love them! She has them hid on the sofa now and she gives us some if we sit nice while she's cleaning our eyes. And I like them so much that I actually sit almost all the way through now without trying to run away or without crying. Isn't that good?

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So we'd like to say thank you to Hannah and Lucy and to Santa Paws, and it was worth being good for! Who do I need to ask so that Christmas can be every day of the year?

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Strangers no more!

Hihihihihihihihihi friends! Man but I've been gone forever and forever and ages and then a really long time too! Actually, i haven't been gone. It's the human who's been gone sept she wasn't either, least, not for a long time. Let me explain.

Well, after I last writed to you all, she went away from the house and she didn't come back. Mummycat said she'd been eated by a big bird who flew all the way across lotsa water to another place called Ireland. She says the human goes here every year for Christmas to spend time with her mummypeople and her mummypeople's mummypeople who she calls her grannypeople, and all of the other peoples that are in her family. They all live there, see.

I thinked that she was gone forever and forever, but mummycat said it was only for a week. But when the human came back, she smelled funny and she was real hot and she made a big scary noise all the time that she said was a cough and then an "ooooouch!" and then another cough thing. And she went to bed a lot, and she didn't really play with me or anything, and I was sad cuz she wasn't like she used to be. I wondered if the family somebodies had maked her like this.

Then at night she gotted real, real sick, sicker'n I've ever been even when I was going to the litterbox all the time with a runny bum and even sicker than that time when I throwed up all of my foods on the scratchy mat all put together! And the next morning some different people somebodies came and they taked her away in an am-bue-lans, least, I think that's how you say it, and Dogman was very worried, and the human was still sick, and mummycat telled me i had to be a real brave little cat now and look after the human when she came back. She said the somebodies were gonna make her all better and that they weren't human-napping her, so it was all right if she went with them. She said they're like vets for humans. I don't know why my human was glad when they showed up then! I wouldn't have been.

And when she did come back, she was still real sick and she went to bed, and so me and mummycat took it in turns to sleep on her or get her to cuddle us cuz we knew that'd make her feel better. And I said purpurpur a lot to her and I climbed into the bed thing with her and I did a real good job, least, I think I did.

Me and mummycat didn't eat much over the next while cuz we were so worried about the human and upset that she was still sick and unhappy, but then we saw that this was making her upset too, so we started to eat again, but we taked it in turns so there was always one of us with her and she wasn't on her own. Human somebodies need looking afterwhen they're sick!

That's why we've been away for so long. When the human did start to feel better, she wanted to be up and about straight away, so she did this and just maked herself sick again. And in between it all, Computer man blowed up again, so we couldn't write for the blog or anything. And we missed our Secret Paws, but we gots pictures and they'll be up very soon! Sorry we're so late, but I hope you can understand why.

Our human is able to do small things now. She managed to fold all her towels today and stack them nicely again, but even that meant that she had to go to sleep for a couple hours just to recover! She's useless! Mummycat is beside her on the sofa now, all curled into a teeny weeny ball and snoring a bit. Shhhh, don't tell her I said that, but she does!

Thank you to those of you who stopped by to say happy Birthday to the human. She didn't do much for it, but she did get a lovely cake from her grannypeople all the way from Ireland! I didn't want any though. I mean, it had already been eated by a birdie to get it all the way here. I don't eat stuff that birdies have eated. That's yuck! Hmmmm, I wonder if that's why my human got sick? Do you think she mighta got sick cuz of flying in the big bird aeroplane's tummy? Should i tell her she's not allowed to get eated by birds any more?

Anyway, we're gonna have help to put up our Secret Paws post, so watch this space!

Smoochies to you all, and I promise we'll try to be around more, Ok?

Competition winners and stupid humans!

Hihihihihi! Guess what? My human is stupid! I know I know. I still love her, but she's stupider than my stupid, stinky brothers were! You know why? Cuz she gotted her numbers mixed up and she thinked that our super duper competition ended yesterday stead of a whole week ago! How rubbish is that? We're sorry!

Anyway, without further a-do, I get to tell you all who the winner is! I want it to be me, but the human and my booooring old mummycat say that that's not fair cuz I've already tried all the foods and another somebody needs a chance to try it. But shhhh, maybe I'll sneaky some outta the bag before it gets sent away. Don't tell on me though!

Anyway, the winner is............ Hannah and Lucy! Concatulations to the both of you! But I think that Hannah and Lucy shouldn't have telled each other that they were entering, and then if one of them winned, they could keep it a secret and they wouldn't hafta share with the other one! That's what I woulda done, cuz this food is yummy, yummy, yummy! My human says to Hannah and Lucy could they please tell their people somebody to email her their address details and we'll get the prize posted to you! Also, we need a time when you'll be in, and a date pretty please. What's an email?

I've decided. my human is sel, sel, um, not very good at sharing. Oh, I member the word now! It's shellfish! She is! She never shares her yummy foods with me sept for the time when she telled Dogman (that's what my mummycat says his name is) to give me a chip once cuz I was asking really politely for one. My human says I was pestering, but I wasn't! I was just sitting beside his plate and telling him loudly that I wanted one, and sniffing at them and trying to take one. That's polite! At least I didn't just grab and run! When I gotted the chip I ran away with it in my mouth and I didn't share with nobody and I hided behind the chair and eated it all up myself in secret. And I like chips. But the human won't give me any. She says they aren't cat foods and so I don't get to have them. How shellfish is that!

I'm so clever, you know. My mummycat is a bit stupid, but shhh, don't tell her I telled you that else she'll smack me! My human has this super duper ball thing that she calls a treat ball. And she puts really yummy foods in there and if you wanna eat them, you hafta push the ball till it rolls over and spits out some foods. I use the ball maybe 3 times every week, and mummycat, even though she watches me every time, still doesn't know how to get the foods out. She just sits there and cries at the ball, but it doesn't spit out any foods for her. I think it's great, cuz then I don't hafta share! And even when the human tries to feed mummycat some of the treaties without me seeing, I'm so clever that I do see, and I come and copy mummycat and put my paws on the human and shove my face right into her hand and eat real, real fast so's mummycat can't have them all to herself. And it's cool cuz I know that even when I'm finished, there's still loads in the ball that's all mine!

I love to carry things in my mouth too, and mummycat doesn't do that neither. I've bringed two mousies into the bedroom and put them beside the bed thing for a present for the human in the mornings. She always tells me how clever I am for giving her a present. I have glittery balls too, and a straw thing with a glittery ball on the end too, and I pick them up in my mouth and then I jump on the human's knee in my chair and I drop the thing on her and then she tells me how clever I am. And then she wiggles the straw thing or throws the ball for me and then I gotta run real, real fast and jump on it real good and pick it up and kill it and then bring it back to her again. And it's such a cool game!

But yesterday, my human was real horrible to me. Dogman was still at the house, so the human leaved without putting any new stinky goodness in my bowl! But she forgotted to tell Dogman to feed us too, and he doesn't check the bowls a lot cuz he doesn't feed us. And I gotted hungrier and hungrier and I climbed on him and I said "weeeeow!" but he didn't do nothing sept give me a cuddle and then go on typing on Computer. and then I jumped on the back of the chair and I said "Weeeeow!" and he didn't do nothing again! And then I jumped on Computer and started attacking the little moving thing that was wiggling. And then he did do something. And he picked me up and he said "Millie, stop attacking the mouse. I can't work when you're doing that!" And I said "Weeeeow! Weeeeow!" and I put my claws out and holded onto him real tight but all he did was put me down. And then I went and lay sadly by my stinky goodness bowl, and my tummy went all hurty and rumbly and it sounded like there was a monster in there. And so I runned away and went on the sofa instead, cuz all somebodies know that a monster can't get you if you're under a blanket on the sofa. My mummycat asked me why I didn't eat the dry foods, but I didn't answer her. I was starving! I didn't care if there was dry foods. I needed stinky goodness!

And then my human came home and she feeded me and I eated and eated and eated until the monster went away and my tummy wanted to say pop! And then I gived the human a big cuddle. And then I went and climbed into the chair with Dogman and I lay on my back and he tickled my tummy and I went to sleep, cuz all somebodies know that monsters can't get you when you're sleeping on a somebody.

But then I heard mummycat crying her "I'm in the bath and I don't like it" cry, so I went to see and the bathroom door was closed and the human wouldn't let me in. Sept she did, but only after mummycat went out all wrapped up in a towel. But then I didn't want to go in cuz it was my turn for a bath. But do you know what? I sat like a very good girlcat and I only tried to jump out twice. But I let her wash my legs and my tail and everywhere and I tried to eat the bubbles that came into the bath just like magic! But my human said "no, Millie. You'll get sick. And anyway, I can't wash you when you're diving on bubbles." So I stopped and was good again. And then I got air on me from the nois

Questions Galore

Hihihihihihihihi all you somebodies! Guess who it is? Do ya know yet?? Would it help if I said "weeeoooooow!" Now do you know?

It's me! your friend Millie! Least, I think I'm your friend. You all like me, right? Even though Mummycat telled you that I telled fibs bout last time when I said she was too lazy to talk to you all? Cuz she was! I promise! I wouldn't tell fibs cuz mummycat says she'll give me the smackypaw of doom for being a bad babycat. But I'm not a babycat! I'm a big girl now! Even my human says I'm getting real, real heavy. She's started calling me fatcat now same as she calls mummycat. Mummycat doesn't care cuz she says it's just more yummy tummy for the human to snuggle. I thinked about thwapping the human for calling me fatcat, cuz I'm not! I have no saggy tummy like mummycat, and I don't care if mummycat says it's my fault that she gotted it in the first place. How can it be my fault! It's not my tummy! She says me and my stinky brothers were in there and stretched it with all our growing and kicking and wriggling, but I know she's joking me. She thinks I'm still a babycat who'd fall for stories like that, but I'm not. I know it's only weewee and the other smelly stuff that mummycat says is a bad word that comes out of your tummy, and that goes in the litterbox. You don't make babycats whenever you go for a weewee. I wish she'd stop telling me fibs, cuz I can't even give her smackypaw like she threatens me with, cuz she's still too big and she wins all the time.

Mummycat's good to attack though, but she's not as good as my stinky brother Paws who the human says is now called Manny by his new people somebodies, cuz Manny used to always lose to me and I could make him scream like a big girlkitten. Maybe I should weeeeow very, very loud to his new peoples, cuz they're getting his name wrong and maybe I could help them get it right so's he knows they're talking to him when they say Manny. And she's definitely not as good as my stinky brother Porker. He sometimes even used to win with me. Ok, he mostly winned, but that's cuz he was bigger and he was a bully and he used to just throw his fat on me so's I couldn't move. But I could still make him squeal like a big girlkitten. Hahahahaha! I'm the bestest! I only made mummycat squeal once, but I don't think I'll do that again, cuz the game wasn't very fun after that. She came and chased me and she gotted real mad and she catched me and she held me down with one paw and she gived me lots and lotsa smackypaw with the other one and then she put the bitey on me until I squeaked, and then she cleaned me all over. I know I'm sposed to stay still when she's cleaning me else I get more telling off, but it was so, soooooo boooooooring! And by the time she finished I was all wet and smelling like mummycat and I had no energy to fight any more. So now when I attack her I member to keep the bitey from hurting.

Mummycat's sorta fun cuz she holds me in her paws when I fight with her, and she doesn't hurt me and we can roll around together. And even if I roll loads I'm still in mummycat's paws or on her chest and it's all nice and warm and snuggly, and she doesn't get cross unless I make the bitey too hard, but it's Ok cuz I mostly member not to now. And my favo, favou, my best place to attack her is on the soft rug in front of the stinky horrible bath. My human doesn't like this cuz she says she'd quite like some peace when she's in there, thank you very much, but I know she doesn't mind really.

Seeing as we're speaking about weewee, well, we kinda were, my mummycat is so, so weird sometimes. She keeps cleaning her bumbum and she's saying meeeeeeeeeeow! a lot in a very loud voice and she's walking around as if she's looking for something. And she keeps going in the litterbox all the time and making real, real smelly weewee, sept that she's not being polite about it. she's putting it all up the walls of the litterbox instead of in the litter. And I've tried to cover it up for her by scraping the walls, but it doesn't go away. And it smells real weird. Mummycat says it's to tell the mancats where she is, but that's silly cuz we don't have any mancats who live with us. And even if my brothers were here they'd only be stinky boycats, not mancats, so why's she doing this? And anyway, why would she want a mancat? Everybody knows that boys are stinky and horrible, right? And they cry all the time or bully you or things like that, so why's she looking for one? My human laughed and told her that she didn't need more of a saggy belly just yet, thank you very much, and that got me thinking. She said she had a saggy tummy cuz of us when we were babycats. And I think she's lying, so the human should give her smackypaw and not let her have any fish, but then mummycat's going in the litterbox all the time. Is she trying to see if a babycat comes out? Cuz if she is, it's not working. All she gets is smelly weewee, and I know babycats aren't made of smelly weewee! I'm so conf, um, I don't know the answer and I want one of my friends to tell me!

My human is loving me coming to bed with her, specially cuz I rubrubrub all my body on her now as well as my head, and when I fall over, I make sure to always land on her face so's she knows it's me and where I am. And I try to only do this when there's no light in the sky and she's making the loud sleep noises that sound like my stinky brother Porker Fatboy did when he was choking and nearly stopped breathing when he was real tiny. Stupid Porker! I never did that! But then girls are more smarter than boys anyway. Everybody somebody knows that, right?

My human always says things like "Go away Millie," or "Millie, did you have to wake me up?" or "Millie, it's 3 in the morning and I have to get up for work in 2 hours. Leave me alone!" But I know this is just her pretending, cuz the next minute the bed thing sicks up her arm and her hand cuddles me and gives me scritches and strokeys till I get so excited that I fall over for real and have to snuggle in with my body in the bed thing's tummy under the blanket and my two front paws just over the top of the blanket and my head in the human's shoulder right under her chin. And the human melts, but she goes mushy when I say purpurpur real hard. But I like to say purpurpur, so that's Ok. And then it's still Ok cuz there's two whole hours for her to cuddle me before she has to get up for work, and if she stops cuddling and starts to make the sleep noises, I get up and walk on her face and on her head and then fall over and say "weeeeeeow!" till she starts again. I'm sure she enjoys it as much as I do! And she gets enough sleepy time. She makes the sleep noises even in the early evening now. She says it's cuz I make her so tired, but that's not true. If you had sleepy time in the evening you wouldn't mind getting up when it was dark to cuddle a cute girlkitten, would you?

My human buyed me the coolest toy ever in the world yesterday. Well, sept for Da Bird and my treaty ball and the crinkly balls and the ping pong balls, cuz they're the coolest toys in the world too, don't you think? this new one is a ball that's got holes in it, and in the middle of the ball is a mousey that says "squeak, squeak" every time you give him smackypaw or try to put the bitey on him or try to pull him outta the ball. And if you whap the ball so's it rolls, he says "squeaksqueaksqueaksqueak" and does somersaults all the time the ball's moving. How cool is that! Do you want one? Mummycat says I need to start making a list of toys I want, cuz Santa Paws is coming soon.

Mummycat says that Santa Paws is a big, fat, jolly old mancat who is red like my stinky brother Paws, sept not like him cuz he only had red face and tail and feets, but Santa Paws is red all over. Sept a patch he has on his front starting at his mouth. That's white, and it goes all the way down his front. And she says that he comes in through the catflaps of all good boycats and girlcats and mummycats and daddycats and even big mancats and ladycats who aren't mummycats or daddycats. And he has a big bag with him, and in his bag is lots and lotsa presents, like super presents, like balls and feathers and treaties and lots and lotsa things. And if you're good, you get to have your presents and open them on Christmas, or Catmas, and then you can play with them all at once! She says if you're bad though, all you get is a bath instead. I think I should work on being good. But friends, is mummycat telling the truth? I see'd a cat who looks just like she says Santa Paws does at the last cat show I was at, but he didn't give me no presents, and I was real good that day too! I also thinked that he wouldn't be able to come see us till mummycat taked me to the kitchen and showed me the catflap in the back door. We don't get to use it cuz we aren't allowed to go into the scary outside room, but mummycat says that the cats that lived with the people somebody that lived in the house before we came had cats who used it. She says not to worry, that she'll tell the human to unblock it so that Santa Paws can get in, but that I gotta be good else I'll not get nothing! Is this true? I need you to tell me!

Well, now I really can't think of nothing else to say, and anyway, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna go eat all the stinky goodness I can fit inside of me! Maybe then I'll make a babycat next time I go for a weewee!