Tortureshell... Wednesday?

What! No getting on my case! I was sick yesterday, Ok? I had to get my energy back together before I embarked on a Tortureshell, so this one's a bit late.

Me and the human have been sleeping an awful lot, and so has stupid Dogface. The human says that it's normal to sleep when you're recovering from something that's been hard on the body. I tell her that we cats sleep all the time anyway. We understand the merrits of minimum effort for maximum gain far better than any other species, but I suppose she has a point when it comes to her and Dogface.

The human would like to commend the idea of vomiting all over unhelpful, nasty bean vets (apparently that's what peoples vets are called). Actually, I might employ the technique myself when I next go to the real vet. It disgusted the human when I almost vomited on her foot when I was sick, so if I get it on the vet lady or man peoples, it's sure to work good! Thank you so, so much for the new weapon in my arsenal against disgusting vets!

I've discovered a new game which is very, very fun. As I've said, i've been slepeing a lot, but when I do propperly wake up, and I don't just mean that eyes half open stumble in the general direction of the food bowl to eat then flop down again kind of awake, the human describes me as manic. I run, I jump, I whap things, and this is where the new play idea comes in. I've always known that the human's feet are good to attack whenever they're under her blankets at sleepy time. However, I didn't realise that it would be fun to jump from the top of the bureaux right onto her feet, teeth and claws working intently, before springing off, diving under the bed and coming up on the other side. It's also fun to creep to the side of the bed where her back is, then lean back, take a good look up. There's an art to this next bit. You have to pick your target with care. It must be somewhere that will cause maximum shock value for the human, but not close enough that she can grab you with the mummycat scruff move that makes you go limp and still before she tells you off. Mine was her bum.

You also have to make sure that you're on and off that bed at lightning speed so that your peoples will wonder just what exactly hit them. Accordingly, and with this in mind, I crouched, leapt, and landed.

It went as spectacularly as I'd hoped it would, actually, maybe a bit more spectacularly. I landed right on target, front paws planted squarely, claws out, right on that huge bum of hers. Just to molify the peoples readers, I'm not being rude about her bum, but when you're my size, it is huge whatever way you look at it.

The blanket was thinner than usual (we were washing the old one to help Mr Bug on his way, and we had our old old one on the bed instead), so my claws sank in perhaps a little deeper than they strictly needed to for the desired effect. I jumped back as she came out of a light doze with a shriek of mingled shock and outrage. Quick as a wink, she whipped her hand under that blanket and... Well, I was off that bed very quickly. She'd helped me on my way! How dare she!

I jumped to the top of the bureaux where I know I'm not allowed (it's one small step from there to the window and then to pulling the curtains down... Can you tell I've had experience in these important matters?), and just as she was half rising to get me off there, I launched the second attack. Her feet were my goal, and I got 'em! With another shriek, her foot got me. Again, for the sake of clarification, the human never hurts me. She doesn't even come close. When her foot got me, it nudged me off the bed, but the indignity of it hurt enough that I feel the need to tell you about it! For the second time, I found myself on the floor, and not by my own design!I hoped, as I landed, that she wasn't starting to get it into her head that she had a right to dictate what went on in that bed, and that if she didn't like it, she could just kick me off. The nerve of some peoples!

I contented myself with running around the sleep room really, really fast. The human says I was almost bouncing off the walls, but really I was doing a lightning quick scan to find the next best place to launch an attack from. I decided on the side of the bed, and prepared to launch my best attack yet.

I crouched. I tensed my jump muscles. I twitched the tip of my tail for good measure. Then I sprang. The human whipped around in the bed, and I miaowed. I stood perfectly still. Nothing happened. I miaowed again. Slowly, her hand came towards me. Even more slowly, it began to tickle my chest, just the way I like it. I moved closer, now purring. Then I suddenly let my legs go, flopped on my back, grabbed her hand in my front paws and pretended I was going to bite it. I only cuddled it, but I made her jump all the same. My attack was finished by me wriggling in against her warm tummy, stretching my paws above my head, and giving her the tiniest little kitten is lonely miaow all mixed up with a purr. This combined with the yummy tummy on such prominent display was too much for her and she started to tickle.

I was victorious, and I knew it. Not only was I getting a tummy rub, but I was also lulling her into a false sense of security. This means that next time I jump on the bed, her foot won't get me before I get it, because she'll always wonder if I might be coming for cuddles. You've gotta keep 'em guessing, folks, even when you and they are ill! Some of you may think it's cruel for me to pick on the human this way when she's sick, but just look at the reaction I got. She went from sleepy to wide awake, and she didn't even need any stinky medicine to do it! Sometimes, you gotta take nursing to the next level.

Ah, Tortureshells. Don't ya just love 'em?

Tortureshell Tuesday: Drowning the Noise

Oh, oh, oh, it's that time again, oh yes it is! My favourite day of the week! I have a confession to make though. I haven't actually managed to do anything worthy of a naughty tortie this week. Before you all expire with shock, let me tell you that I had a reason! I wasn't here for most of the week, seeing as I was off pretending to seduce mancats. I have a busy life, you know. I suppose you could say that my not letting my man friend get up close and personal was a tortureshell, or the fact that I am now insisting on sleeping by the human's face, but I dunno. They're not up to the usual standards. Allow me, therefore, to tell you about a spectacular one I've been saving for just the right moment.

It was warm. It was dark. It was cosy. It was also noisy, and I was trying to sleep! We were in bed, the human and I, and it was at what my good friend Herman
calls O Dark Thirty . I'd woken her up for a tummy tickle, and because she couldn't get back to sleep, she put her book on. Well, she says it's a book, but I never see any paper or anything that looks remotely like one. Given that her eyes are too broke to read, she listens to a person making talk noise from funny things she calls speakers. The talk noise is generated by her iPod, a little square, hard, shiny black box. I don't know how it makes the talk noise because when I put my ear to it, I can't hear any little peoples inside reading, and yet, voices come from the speakers. The human says it travels up the connection cable, but again, she's just showing her lack of a brain. Even I know that's too small for a people to crawl along as they're reading.

Anyway, I digress. As I said, I was trying to sleep. I was done with my tummy tickles, and wanted some shut-eye. But the stupid iPod man wouldn't shut up! I thwapped him where she had him hidden under the covers, but he pretended he didn't even notice! I shouted at the human, but she just grunted, "You've had enough of my sleep time. Lie down and be quiet, for goodness sake. I have work in the morning!" Her sleep time? What about mine!

I got crosser and crosser and wondered what I could do. How could you shut a thing up that you couldn't even see? But then, I did see it, the long, tantalising connection cable sticking out from the covers. And it got even better. Right below it was my bowl of water.

Now, you all know that when you're hunting, one of the best ways to kill your catch is to drown it. It has the added bonus of cleaning it before you eat, I suppose, but it is very effective at stopping it making noise. Here was the perfect set-up. I knew the human wouldn't be pleased at all, but she had it coming to her. It was her that made the iPod man make noise after all, and it was her that wouldn't shut him up. I had to take matters into my own paws.

Slowly, stealthily, I stalked closer to the cable. The stupid thing didn't even try and run away. It didn't know what was coming. With a wiggle of the bum and a flick of the tail I sprang, pounced and dragged that offending cable, iPod man and all, off the bed. It came slithering out from under the covers, and with a bit of guidance from me, created a super splash-down landing right where I wanted it to, in the bowl of water. There were a few bubbles, and then the talk noise stopped. I stood guard over the bowl, watching for any sign of movement or a recommencing of the talk, but there was nothing. It was dead. I had won.

The human didn't seem to think so though. I've never seen her move so quick! With a shriek, she bounded out of bed and launched herself for the iPod. Dragging my kill away from me, she shook it vigorously. Perhaps, I thought as I watched her with a certain glint of maternal pride in my eye, I've taught her something after all. Shaking a kill is a good way to make sure it's really finished off. But alas, she was only doing it to get as much water out as possible. Then she ran away and left me! No joke! She went to the living room and got out the horrible blow dryer that she uses on my fur after a bath. She put it on the iPod man, and I began to wonder. When I've had a bath, I get really cold because I'm wet. The human puts the blow dryer on my fur and it makes me feel warm and dry again. It leaves me feeling much better, actually. She couldn't be trying to revive the iPod man, surely! She wouldn't do that to me!

But, friends, I am terribly saddened and disappointed to say that she would, and did. She dried him for a long time, then left him beside a heater to finish the job. That night, mr iPod man rejoined us in bed. I considered a repeat performance, but to my further disgust, the human had moved the water bowl to what she calls a "safer location".

So there you have it. I'm getting so good at this that I even broke a rule the human hadn't thought to make yet! She's done it now though, but I don't care. If I've already broken it, it, like every other rule around here, doesn't exist. I'm watching for that iPod man though. He must be really small to be able to fit in the box, which means that when he comes out for a rest, I'm gonna catch him and put an end to his silly talk noise making forever! Are they hard to catch, friends? Do any of you have experience with them? What's the best method of hunting? Is it the stalk, pounce combo, the quick chase and grab, or the good old-fashioned toy with prey and then eat? I just can't make up my mind.