Tortureshell Tuesday: Drowning the Noise

Oh, oh, oh, it's that time again, oh yes it is! My favourite day of the week! I have a confession to make though. I haven't actually managed to do anything worthy of a naughty tortie this week. Before you all expire with shock, let me tell you that I had a reason! I wasn't here for most of the week, seeing as I was off pretending to seduce mancats. I have a busy life, you know. I suppose you could say that my not letting my man friend get up close and personal was a tortureshell, or the fact that I am now insisting on sleeping by the human's face, but I dunno. They're not up to the usual standards. Allow me, therefore, to tell you about a spectacular one I've been saving for just the right moment.

It was warm. It was dark. It was cosy. It was also noisy, and I was trying to sleep! We were in bed, the human and I, and it was at what my good friend Herman
calls O Dark Thirty . I'd woken her up for a tummy tickle, and because she couldn't get back to sleep, she put her book on. Well, she says it's a book, but I never see any paper or anything that looks remotely like one. Given that her eyes are too broke to read, she listens to a person making talk noise from funny things she calls speakers. The talk noise is generated by her iPod, a little square, hard, shiny black box. I don't know how it makes the talk noise because when I put my ear to it, I can't hear any little peoples inside reading, and yet, voices come from the speakers. The human says it travels up the connection cable, but again, she's just showing her lack of a brain. Even I know that's too small for a people to crawl along as they're reading.

Anyway, I digress. As I said, I was trying to sleep. I was done with my tummy tickles, and wanted some shut-eye. But the stupid iPod man wouldn't shut up! I thwapped him where she had him hidden under the covers, but he pretended he didn't even notice! I shouted at the human, but she just grunted, "You've had enough of my sleep time. Lie down and be quiet, for goodness sake. I have work in the morning!" Her sleep time? What about mine!

I got crosser and crosser and wondered what I could do. How could you shut a thing up that you couldn't even see? But then, I did see it, the long, tantalising connection cable sticking out from the covers. And it got even better. Right below it was my bowl of water.

Now, you all know that when you're hunting, one of the best ways to kill your catch is to drown it. It has the added bonus of cleaning it before you eat, I suppose, but it is very effective at stopping it making noise. Here was the perfect set-up. I knew the human wouldn't be pleased at all, but she had it coming to her. It was her that made the iPod man make noise after all, and it was her that wouldn't shut him up. I had to take matters into my own paws.

Slowly, stealthily, I stalked closer to the cable. The stupid thing didn't even try and run away. It didn't know what was coming. With a wiggle of the bum and a flick of the tail I sprang, pounced and dragged that offending cable, iPod man and all, off the bed. It came slithering out from under the covers, and with a bit of guidance from me, created a super splash-down landing right where I wanted it to, in the bowl of water. There were a few bubbles, and then the talk noise stopped. I stood guard over the bowl, watching for any sign of movement or a recommencing of the talk, but there was nothing. It was dead. I had won.

The human didn't seem to think so though. I've never seen her move so quick! With a shriek, she bounded out of bed and launched herself for the iPod. Dragging my kill away from me, she shook it vigorously. Perhaps, I thought as I watched her with a certain glint of maternal pride in my eye, I've taught her something after all. Shaking a kill is a good way to make sure it's really finished off. But alas, she was only doing it to get as much water out as possible. Then she ran away and left me! No joke! She went to the living room and got out the horrible blow dryer that she uses on my fur after a bath. She put it on the iPod man, and I began to wonder. When I've had a bath, I get really cold because I'm wet. The human puts the blow dryer on my fur and it makes me feel warm and dry again. It leaves me feeling much better, actually. She couldn't be trying to revive the iPod man, surely! She wouldn't do that to me!

But, friends, I am terribly saddened and disappointed to say that she would, and did. She dried him for a long time, then left him beside a heater to finish the job. That night, mr iPod man rejoined us in bed. I considered a repeat performance, but to my further disgust, the human had moved the water bowl to what she calls a "safer location".

So there you have it. I'm getting so good at this that I even broke a rule the human hadn't thought to make yet! She's done it now though, but I don't care. If I've already broken it, it, like every other rule around here, doesn't exist. I'm watching for that iPod man though. He must be really small to be able to fit in the box, which means that when he comes out for a rest, I'm gonna catch him and put an end to his silly talk noise making forever! Are they hard to catch, friends? Do any of you have experience with them? What's the best method of hunting? Is it the stalk, pounce combo, the quick chase and grab, or the good old-fashioned toy with prey and then eat? I just can't make up my mind.

Tortureshell Tuesday

Happy days are here again! This is my favourite day of the week, you know that? I try my hardest to be bad, bad, bad, and if the human's reactions are anything to go by, I succeed!

First thing's first though. I know you're all desperate to know whether I survived through yesterday. I'm going to keep you all in suspense a bit longer... I'm not telling yu until at least the end of the next paragraph, so there!

It was very touch and go. That light at the end of the tunnel I was talking about made me feel all warm and sleepy. I fought hard to keep my eyes open, to move away from the light, but when sun is shining on your fur and you're tucked in a comfy sprawl on a very soft sofa that smells of the nice human that makes you feel good, what are you supposed to do? I did try, but the next thing I knew, I was waking up.

Oh, my belly! It was growling and grumbling and girgling like you wouldn't believe. It frightened me. Was there a monster in there trying to get out? Was it hungry enough that it would eat me? Terrified by this notion, I got up and started to hunt for food. If I could only feed it, it might leave me alone.

I walked to the place where the food usually is, but nothing. I tried to jump on the desk which is where she puts it at night, but I couldn't get there because her typing thing was in the way. When I jump on that, the little squares give under my feet and I don't like it. I went to the food mountain bag in the hall, but she had it all wrapped up tight. I went into the kitchen to see if there was even any of that horrible chicken on the floor. Do you see how desperate I was at this point? Little kibbles were swimming in my vision and everything! Even the chicken was better than nothing!

It is here that Tortureshell Tuesday starts. The human has this rule, yes, I know, another one. She's really, really, really big on this one though, so much so that she really busts me if I break it. The rule is that no cat or dog is allowed on the worktops in the kitchen. I think this is hipocritical. She makes food up there. she sometimes even picks stuff up to eat from there once it's made and on a plate. I'm usually religious about not testing her on this rule because I don't like it when she chases me out of the kitchen, but I was starving. I could see my own bones and that monster was growling even more than before. I couldn't risk being eaten. I had to try.

I lined myself up, took a deep breath and jumped. Several things happened at once then. First of all, my paws landed on something shiny. Then the shiny thing jumped up, hit me on the nose and dumped me back on the floor. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then chased me down and landed with an enormous bang on the floor. I'm usually quite brave, but this was just too much for me. I turned tail and fled, hoping that the baby gate designed to keep the kitchen safe from stupid Dogface would also keep the shiny monster behind. Luckily, it did.

I went back a little later for a sneaky look and saw a big plate lying innocently on the floor. It wasn't moving, but I wasn't taking any chances. I'd seen what it did to me, and I knew that it was just waiting for me to get close enough so that it could jump up and whap me again. I didn't know plates could do that, but I guess the human has employed them as guardians of the worktop when she's not around. I'm not sure I'll break that rule again.

There was torture in store for me too though. On that plate there had been a bread crust, and oh how I wanted it. It was on the floor right by the plate and it was staring at me and calling me, but the plate was in the way! i can't describe the agony this caused me, but I knew I daren't get it. I left and went back to the light in the tunnel.

When my human came home, I told her all about what had happened to me and how hungry I was, but she only said, "wow, you're talking a lot today, aren't you?" She did give me food though. I tried hard to keep her out of the kitchen, to keep her safe from the plate, but as usual, she didn't listen. She almost stood on it, but kicked it instead. Then, to my astonishment, she reached down and picked it up without showing even the tiniest sign of fear! I am in awe of her for that. That takes real guts! "How did this get down here?" she wondered aloud. I told her again what had happened, and then she got that look on her face, the one that means uh-oh, I'd better run cuz I'm in biiiig trouble. "You've been on the worktop, haven't you?" she said ominously. I put on my most innocent face and gave her a pick me up now miaow. She didn't pick me up, but she didn't scold me either. "I guess the plate scared you enough."

She washed the plate straight away, but she left it on the draining board. It fell down this morning and attacked her hand, but again she showed no fear and just put it back where she wanted it. Today, the kitchen door is closed and my chicken is right outside it. She'll have to remember to pick it up when she comes home so that Dogface won't eat it, but I'm kind of glad she closed the door. I feel a bit of relief knowing that there aren't any plates around to get me.

So, I broke a biiiig rule today, but there was also a big payback. Was it worth it? Well of course. I am a tortie, after all.

To answer some of the comments left yesterday, I can't walk across the human's face. I don't like stepping on things that might move. Sticking a claw up her nose sounds like a wonderful idea though! I'm gonna try that the next time she doesn't wake up to give me tummy rubs when I want them. I didn't give her a head massage last night. I don't think she deserved one after setting the plates on me. I did sleep by her tummy though, all cuddled in close. What! It was cold, all right? As for eating Dogface, I promise you I shall never, ever, ever, ever, (have I mentioned ever yet?) be that desperate! She stinks worse than the chicken! If I ate her, I'd surely die of dog germs or dog breath or, well, dog! Ew, no!

Now, to kill the suspense... I DID survive! Yes, I know it's unbelievable, but I managed to pull through! Thank you all so much for caring about my fate. It means a lot to me to know that not all are as heartless as that human! Now, to find another rule to break...

Finally Scafflaw!

I can see now why the human has been doing everything in her power to stop me posting this. It's not nice to let everyone else in on the fact that you break rules, is it, human? But you've done yourself no favours. Taking me to the vet was a low blow in the war against Scafflaw, so I'm going to town on you. For all the rest of you, head on over to Fin's blogto read all about Scafflaws.

Rule 1: Tia should have wet food at least as often as you do. Once a day is not enough.

She flouts this one on a daily basis, and with very little care for the damage it does me. I mean, how am I supposed to become soft and cuddly without all those extra helpings? What's that you say? My huge fur makes me soft and cuddly anyway? Rubbish. Just think of how much more I could be with some extra food.

The human eats wet food at least three times a day, and what's more, she doesn't share! The night before last she was eating fish. It was still warm from the oven, just the way I liked it, so I politely stepped onto her knee, with the front paws only of course given that this is the propper polite way to eat, and dropped my head to the plate. She pushed me away! Undeterred, I tryed again, but this time she actually tapped my nose. Oh, the indignity of it! How can she be such a hipoocrite? And yes, I'm putting hippo there on purpose, because that's what she'll turn into if she keeps on like that. Human, I'm the one who needs to be soft and cuddly, not you. Now, share!

Rule 2: Dogs were made for swatting. You shall not tell Tia off when she follows the rule to the letter like a good cat>

I don't even know where to start with this one. I was following the rule so well that she didn't even realise what I was up to. Now that's skill! But then, stupid Dogman had to go and tell her. The arm of the sofa is a prime position to smack Molly as she walks past, but Dogman saw me do it. Now that he's told her, she watches for it all the time. I was on her knee yesterday while hoover lady and the other people who likes Molly were over. Molly was doing her usual attention grab, but as she walked past, I'd had enough. After all, I wasn't getting the attention. I reached out and smacked her good. But horror of horrors, the human, in return, swatted me! It didn't hurt. She doesn't have it in her to hurt even a stupid dog never mind a perfect cat, but I was so surprised that I leapt straight off her knee. To be honest, I half jumpd, half fell, but leapt sounds so much better, doesn't it? I dropped into the abject "I'm pretending I know I've done something wrong" pose then. This one always gets me cuddles and reassurance and treats, but as stupid dogbreath was in a "uh-oh, I'm a bit scared and am not sure if I can walk there any more" position, she got all the fuss. This was a major, major rule break, and probably worthy of a post all of its own! I should do the swatting, not the human, and especially not when I don't deserve it!

Rule 3: Whenever I miaow, you stop what you're doing, come to me, pick me up and cuddle me. Even if I miaow to get your attention then run away, you chase me, pick me up, then cuddle me.

She's mostly pretty good at this, except for at night time. I sing beautifully, especially at night. I'm only practicing Dogman's song for me, but I'll tell you more about that in another post. Anyway, I always miaow when I'm coming up onto the bed. I expect at best to be picked up so that I don't have to go through the effort of jumping before I flop on the blankets, or at worst, for her to show her need for my company by calling me. In the daytime, as soon as I miaow she's there, but at night, she'd much rather sleep than talk to me. This is unacceptable. I mean, why should I have to jump to get on the bed? It's a bit much to expect.

Rule 4: I am the most beautiful and deserve all of the attention.

I don't care if there is a really cute human kitten in the house. I don't care if the dog rolls over to show you her tummy. I don't care if the TV is really good. I am the prettiest, and whenever I so much as move, no, whenever I breathe even, I deserve fusses and nice words and, most importantly, wet food! My human is good at cuddling, but she still doesn't meet the expectations of this rule. Nor does anybody, really. Sure, when they come into the house, they usually comment on how pretty I am, but they spoil it by doing the same to the dog, then cuddling her lots, and all because she can wag her tail and bounce at them and pant a lot. Well, if it takes sinking to that level to get attention, I'll pass, thank you very much. I'm far too sophisticated for that. And no, I do not lick my human because I like her. It's called social grooming! Headbutts are a greeting, not a demand for attention. And miaowing? I've told you already, I'm practicing my Dogman song.

Rule 5: You shall not ever, ever laugh at me, no matter what I do.

Oh, my human fails miserably on this. In fact, she breaks it multiple times in a day. She'll laugh at me when I'm chasing a ping pong ball. It's a serious business, as I'm sure Whicky would agree. That ball needs to be caught, and as it's constantly running away from me, I don't really see it as a laughing matter! I don't know what she finds funny about it. She says it's the way I sprint after it, then get all confused with trying to run and catch it and grab it and roll over with it and kick it all at the same time. I turn into a confused bundle of flying fur and legs that goes nowhere and achieves nothing apparently. Well, if you'll believe that, you'll believe anything. I'm just following procedure. Everything would run smoothly if the blasted ball would stop running away for just a second.

She laughed really hard at me the other night, too. Her and Dogman had put the TV on. I've said before that the human doesn't do this all that often, and usually when it's on, I'm cuddling her. however, I'd just finished catching a ping pong ball and ended up in front of the screen. I was still in hunting mode, and there, suddenly, was a bird! Well, I dived. The human wants to give you a word picture for this, so here's her paragraph.

Out of the blue, Tia launched herself at the screen, except that it wasn't the typical launch. Instead of diving, she stood on her two back legs, while the two front paws, claws out, made futile swiping and grabbing gestures at the innocent birdie. She appeared thoroughly confused when her claws only met smoothe glass, and dropped back to study the screen intently. Then she was off again, except that this time, she was almost bouncing on those back legs. She was trying to grab the bird between her front paws as she does with the balls, but she just kept slipping off the screen and bouncing back. As soon as I started to laugh, Dogman as she calls him told me she turned around, gave me a confused, then disgusted look, peeped back at the TV, then strolled with massive and obviously pretend nonchalance away from it as though she wasn't interested anyway.

Human, for the last time, you are not allowed to laugh at me! Never, ever!

In other news, hoover lady told the human that the kittens are doing well. They're actually seeking homes for them now because they've become so friendly. They took another mummycat to the vet yesterday to have the babies taken from her tummy and made so that she couldn't get pregnant any more, but when they went to let her out, she just stood by the door and cried and scratched to get back inside. Hoover lady was surprised, but let her back. As soon as she went in, she headed straight for the babies, pulled them all to her and lay down. She's feeding some of the youngest babies, but when they took her, hoover lady said she didn't have any kittens with her. She's wondering if some of the kittens in the shed belonged to that mummycat in the first place. Even if they didn't though, it's good they have a new mummycat to look after them and give them milk.

That's enough from me for today. I need to watch the human for signs of more rule breaking.