Tortureshell Tuesday: Drowning the Noise

Oh, oh, oh, it's that time again, oh yes it is! My favourite day of the week! I have a confession to make though. I haven't actually managed to do anything worthy of a naughty tortie this week. Before you all expire with shock, let me tell you that I had a reason! I wasn't here for most of the week, seeing as I was off pretending to seduce mancats. I have a busy life, you know. I suppose you could say that my not letting my man friend get up close and personal was a tortureshell, or the fact that I am now insisting on sleeping by the human's face, but I dunno. They're not up to the usual standards. Allow me, therefore, to tell you about a spectacular one I've been saving for just the right moment.

It was warm. It was dark. It was cosy. It was also noisy, and I was trying to sleep! We were in bed, the human and I, and it was at what my good friend Herman
calls O Dark Thirty . I'd woken her up for a tummy tickle, and because she couldn't get back to sleep, she put her book on. Well, she says it's a book, but I never see any paper or anything that looks remotely like one. Given that her eyes are too broke to read, she listens to a person making talk noise from funny things she calls speakers. The talk noise is generated by her iPod, a little square, hard, shiny black box. I don't know how it makes the talk noise because when I put my ear to it, I can't hear any little peoples inside reading, and yet, voices come from the speakers. The human says it travels up the connection cable, but again, she's just showing her lack of a brain. Even I know that's too small for a people to crawl along as they're reading.

Anyway, I digress. As I said, I was trying to sleep. I was done with my tummy tickles, and wanted some shut-eye. But the stupid iPod man wouldn't shut up! I thwapped him where she had him hidden under the covers, but he pretended he didn't even notice! I shouted at the human, but she just grunted, "You've had enough of my sleep time. Lie down and be quiet, for goodness sake. I have work in the morning!" Her sleep time? What about mine!

I got crosser and crosser and wondered what I could do. How could you shut a thing up that you couldn't even see? But then, I did see it, the long, tantalising connection cable sticking out from the covers. And it got even better. Right below it was my bowl of water.

Now, you all know that when you're hunting, one of the best ways to kill your catch is to drown it. It has the added bonus of cleaning it before you eat, I suppose, but it is very effective at stopping it making noise. Here was the perfect set-up. I knew the human wouldn't be pleased at all, but she had it coming to her. It was her that made the iPod man make noise after all, and it was her that wouldn't shut him up. I had to take matters into my own paws.

Slowly, stealthily, I stalked closer to the cable. The stupid thing didn't even try and run away. It didn't know what was coming. With a wiggle of the bum and a flick of the tail I sprang, pounced and dragged that offending cable, iPod man and all, off the bed. It came slithering out from under the covers, and with a bit of guidance from me, created a super splash-down landing right where I wanted it to, in the bowl of water. There were a few bubbles, and then the talk noise stopped. I stood guard over the bowl, watching for any sign of movement or a recommencing of the talk, but there was nothing. It was dead. I had won.

The human didn't seem to think so though. I've never seen her move so quick! With a shriek, she bounded out of bed and launched herself for the iPod. Dragging my kill away from me, she shook it vigorously. Perhaps, I thought as I watched her with a certain glint of maternal pride in my eye, I've taught her something after all. Shaking a kill is a good way to make sure it's really finished off. But alas, she was only doing it to get as much water out as possible. Then she ran away and left me! No joke! She went to the living room and got out the horrible blow dryer that she uses on my fur after a bath. She put it on the iPod man, and I began to wonder. When I've had a bath, I get really cold because I'm wet. The human puts the blow dryer on my fur and it makes me feel warm and dry again. It leaves me feeling much better, actually. She couldn't be trying to revive the iPod man, surely! She wouldn't do that to me!

But, friends, I am terribly saddened and disappointed to say that she would, and did. She dried him for a long time, then left him beside a heater to finish the job. That night, mr iPod man rejoined us in bed. I considered a repeat performance, but to my further disgust, the human had moved the water bowl to what she calls a "safer location".

So there you have it. I'm getting so good at this that I even broke a rule the human hadn't thought to make yet! She's done it now though, but I don't care. If I've already broken it, it, like every other rule around here, doesn't exist. I'm watching for that iPod man though. He must be really small to be able to fit in the box, which means that when he comes out for a rest, I'm gonna catch him and put an end to his silly talk noise making forever! Are they hard to catch, friends? Do any of you have experience with them? What's the best method of hunting? Is it the stalk, pounce combo, the quick chase and grab, or the good old-fashioned toy with prey and then eat? I just can't make up my mind.

Powder Ping Pong

Ambiguous title you might think, but let me ramble in my usual way and all will become clear.

I have told you before that I am a very beautiful cat. This fact is common knowledge if you ask me, but there's no harm in stating the obvious again. Peoples might be reading this blog, after all, and they're pretty forgetful. In any case, I'm so beautiful that I sometimes go to cat shows to show off what Praline
calls her "floof". I also show off my pretty whiskers and even how good I can miaow too.

Because I have a long coat, it takes quite a lot of preparation to have me looking my best for a show, not that I don't always look great, you understand, but a little touch-up can work wonders. Now, I'd done my work. I'd groomed myself all over with my rather capable tongue, and thought I was looking pretty good. The human had other ideas though.

"Come here, Tia," said the human, and because I like her cuddles, I came. But this time, it wasn't for a snuggle. She picked me up, brought me to the bathroom, set me down and got out the comb and brush. Again, I didn't worry. I love being brushed. The human uses a soft slicker, and it feels just like a Mummycat's tongue when she washes you when you're very small. Even the comb is good. It lifts out all of my dead fur so that I don't have to swallow it when I clean myself. she's thoughtful, is my human.

She started by brushing the tangles from my fur, but then she got out the powder. This is where I started to get cross. I've had this done for shows before, and whilst I agree that it does separate the hairs of my coat beautifully, I don't like the smell of it. The human buys stuff that is as lightly scented as she can find, but what is light to her is heavy to me, given that my nose is much better than hers. She sprinkled this horrid stuff into my undercoat, then combed it all through so that my fur was dusted lightly in it. It makes a big difference, and makes me look way more fluffy because it lets my coat separate. For any cat that is prone to knotty furr, I would recommend you get your peoples to use this despite the horrible smell. It makes the knots come out so much more easily without all of that nasty tugging. If they do use it though, be sure to complain loudly. You can't have them thinking they can do what they like to you and thinking it's all right. A fight is always necessary even if only to save face.

Once I was all brushed through, she picked me up for a cuddle, mumbling something about how I'd covered her in the powder because I wouldn't let her do my yummy tummy without cuddling right down on my powdery back in her lap. She'd just put clean clothes on, but as my human is a good cat person, all she did was grumble about how they needed washed again while she gave me scratches and face rubs.

But now I was faced with another problem. I had to clean myself all over again. I was pristine before, but now I was covered in this strange peoples smell. She put me in the living room, and while she went and got Mummycat, I got to work. It took me some time, but I'm diligent and managed to have it done in a few hours. My human knew I'd do this, so was careful how she put the powder on. She got it right down to the roots of my fur, and while I've covered the stink by grooming, there's still enough left in my undercoat to keep me puffed and fluffed. She says she'll blow that out with a hair dryer on the day of the show, but by that time it'll have done its work, and I'll be even more beautiful, if such a thing is even possible.

The human powdered Mummycat because she had knots in her tummy because Hhoover lady didn't brush her enough, but Mummycat, on being taken from the bedroom, blung to her like something called a limpit. My human says that's a really sticky thing. Mummycat just wouldn't let go, so she ended up combing the knots out of her tummy whilst hanging Mummycat clamped claws to her sweater. If she thought she was covered in powder by the time she was done with me, that was nothing compared to what she had on her this time, but again, she didn't mind. Mummycat says she just snuggled her cheek down against the top of her head and told her it didn't matter anyway, that she should have known better and done it in Mummycat's room regardless of the mess anxd the hassle it would cause her to clean it up.

So, as you've probably gathered by now, I'm going to a show on Saturday. I can't say where or with which cat organisation because that's against the rules and if I tell you I'll lose prizes if I win them, but if you're prepared to travel to the north of England if you want to meet me, send an email to my human and she'll tell you where. The show is this Saturday.

The shopping arrived last night as it was supposed to, and low and behold, there were two packs of tinned tuna, not just one! She also got chicken and ham and something called corn beef, but she wouldn't let me have any of these. I didn't mind though. I got my yummy fish last night before bed, so I was happy.

I also got another nice thing last night... The return of my ping pong balls! I've only had one over the last few weeks. Hoover lady is a neat freak. She says that a cat can only play with one toy at once, so only one thing needs to be out at a time. I disagree. I need them all out. I hunt them, then hide them in a safe place for later, but once I've hunted one, I need another one to play with This means there has to be lots and lots and lots on the floor. My human thinks I forget where I hide them because I'm always so surprised and delighted when I find them. I just pretend for her amusement though. Hoover lady had moved the box where the ping pong balls are kept, but last night, the human found it. She gave me loads of balls, and dumped the rest of the toys out on the floor. She doesn't mind the mess, so I hunted and hunted and pounced and chased those balls all over the place! I even hid one under the human's bed. I know that's a safe place because the human spends so much time there. I only sleep when it's safe, and she sleeps when she makes the slow breathing and snoring noises in the bed, so that proves it for me.

Anyway, that's all for today because I have more balls to find! I've got to also say welcome back to the peoples who are reading the blog once more. Do your peoples have ping pong balls too? Do you ever get powdered? Are your peoples as crazy as my human?