Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Competition winners and stupid humans!

Hihihihihi! Guess what? My human is stupid! I know I know. I still love her, but she's stupider than my stupid, stinky brothers were! You know why? Cuz she gotted her numbers mixed up and she thinked that our super duper competition ended yesterday stead of a whole week ago! How rubbish is that? We're sorry!

Anyway, without further a-do, I get to tell you all who the winner is! I want it to be me, but the human and my booooring old mummycat say that that's not fair cuz I've already tried all the foods and another somebody needs a chance to try it. But shhhh, maybe I'll sneaky some outta the bag before it gets sent away. Don't tell on me though!

Anyway, the winner is............ Hannah and Lucy! Concatulations to the both of you! But I think that Hannah and Lucy shouldn't have telled each other that they were entering, and then if one of them winned, they could keep it a secret and they wouldn't hafta share with the other one! That's what I woulda done, cuz this food is yummy, yummy, yummy! My human says to Hannah and Lucy could they please tell their people somebody to email her their address details and we'll get the prize posted to you! Also, we need a time when you'll be in, and a date pretty please. What's an email?

I've decided. my human is sel, sel, um, not very good at sharing. Oh, I member the word now! It's shellfish! She is! She never shares her yummy foods with me sept for the time when she telled Dogman (that's what my mummycat says his name is) to give me a chip once cuz I was asking really politely for one. My human says I was pestering, but I wasn't! I was just sitting beside his plate and telling him loudly that I wanted one, and sniffing at them and trying to take one. That's polite! At least I didn't just grab and run! When I gotted the chip I ran away with it in my mouth and I didn't share with nobody and I hided behind the chair and eated it all up myself in secret. And I like chips. But the human won't give me any. She says they aren't cat foods and so I don't get to have them. How shellfish is that!

I'm so clever, you know. My mummycat is a bit stupid, but shhh, don't tell her I telled you that else she'll smack me! My human has this super duper ball thing that she calls a treat ball. And she puts really yummy foods in there and if you wanna eat them, you hafta push the ball till it rolls over and spits out some foods. I use the ball maybe 3 times every week, and mummycat, even though she watches me every time, still doesn't know how to get the foods out. She just sits there and cries at the ball, but it doesn't spit out any foods for her. I think it's great, cuz then I don't hafta share! And even when the human tries to feed mummycat some of the treaties without me seeing, I'm so clever that I do see, and I come and copy mummycat and put my paws on the human and shove my face right into her hand and eat real, real fast so's mummycat can't have them all to herself. And it's cool cuz I know that even when I'm finished, there's still loads in the ball that's all mine!

I love to carry things in my mouth too, and mummycat doesn't do that neither. I've bringed two mousies into the bedroom and put them beside the bed thing for a present for the human in the mornings. She always tells me how clever I am for giving her a present. I have glittery balls too, and a straw thing with a glittery ball on the end too, and I pick them up in my mouth and then I jump on the human's knee in my chair and I drop the thing on her and then she tells me how clever I am. And then she wiggles the straw thing or throws the ball for me and then I gotta run real, real fast and jump on it real good and pick it up and kill it and then bring it back to her again. And it's such a cool game!

But yesterday, my human was real horrible to me. Dogman was still at the house, so the human leaved without putting any new stinky goodness in my bowl! But she forgotted to tell Dogman to feed us too, and he doesn't check the bowls a lot cuz he doesn't feed us. And I gotted hungrier and hungrier and I climbed on him and I said "weeeeow!" but he didn't do nothing sept give me a cuddle and then go on typing on Computer. and then I jumped on the back of the chair and I said "Weeeeow!" and he didn't do nothing again! And then I jumped on Computer and started attacking the little moving thing that was wiggling. And then he did do something. And he picked me up and he said "Millie, stop attacking the mouse. I can't work when you're doing that!" And I said "Weeeeow! Weeeeow!" and I put my claws out and holded onto him real tight but all he did was put me down. And then I went and lay sadly by my stinky goodness bowl, and my tummy went all hurty and rumbly and it sounded like there was a monster in there. And so I runned away and went on the sofa instead, cuz all somebodies know that a monster can't get you if you're under a blanket on the sofa. My mummycat asked me why I didn't eat the dry foods, but I didn't answer her. I was starving! I didn't care if there was dry foods. I needed stinky goodness!

And then my human came home and she feeded me and I eated and eated and eated until the monster went away and my tummy wanted to say pop! And then I gived the human a big cuddle. And then I went and climbed into the chair with Dogman and I lay on my back and he tickled my tummy and I went to sleep, cuz all somebodies know that monsters can't get you when you're sleeping on a somebody.

But then I heard mummycat crying her "I'm in the bath and I don't like it" cry, so I went to see and the bathroom door was closed and the human wouldn't let me in. Sept she did, but only after mummycat went out all wrapped up in a towel. But then I didn't want to go in cuz it was my turn for a bath. But do you know what? I sat like a very good girlcat and I only tried to jump out twice. But I let her wash my legs and my tail and everywhere and I tried to eat the bubbles that came into the bath just like magic! But my human said "no, Millie. You'll get sick. And anyway, I can't wash you when you're diving on bubbles." So I stopped and was good again. And then I got air on me from the nois

Friday, 2 December 2011

Questions Galore

Hihihihihihihihi all you somebodies! Guess who it is? Do ya know yet?? Would it help if I said "weeeoooooow!" Now do you know?

It's me! your friend Millie! Least, I think I'm your friend. You all like me, right? Even though Mummycat telled you that I telled fibs bout last time when I said she was too lazy to talk to you all? Cuz she was! I promise! I wouldn't tell fibs cuz mummycat says she'll give me the smackypaw of doom for being a bad babycat. But I'm not a babycat! I'm a big girl now! Even my human says I'm getting real, real heavy. She's started calling me fatcat now same as she calls mummycat. Mummycat doesn't care cuz she says it's just more yummy tummy for the human to snuggle. I thinked about thwapping the human for calling me fatcat, cuz I'm not! I have no saggy tummy like mummycat, and I don't care if mummycat says it's my fault that she gotted it in the first place. How can it be my fault! It's not my tummy! She says me and my stinky brothers were in there and stretched it with all our growing and kicking and wriggling, but I know she's joking me. She thinks I'm still a babycat who'd fall for stories like that, but I'm not. I know it's only weewee and the other smelly stuff that mummycat says is a bad word that comes out of your tummy, and that goes in the litterbox. You don't make babycats whenever you go for a weewee. I wish she'd stop telling me fibs, cuz I can't even give her smackypaw like she threatens me with, cuz she's still too big and she wins all the time.

Mummycat's good to attack though, but she's not as good as my stinky brother Paws who the human says is now called Manny by his new people somebodies, cuz Manny used to always lose to me and I could make him scream like a big girlkitten. Maybe I should weeeeow very, very loud to his new peoples, cuz they're getting his name wrong and maybe I could help them get it right so's he knows they're talking to him when they say Manny. And she's definitely not as good as my stinky brother Porker. He sometimes even used to win with me. Ok, he mostly winned, but that's cuz he was bigger and he was a bully and he used to just throw his fat on me so's I couldn't move. But I could still make him squeal like a big girlkitten. Hahahahaha! I'm the bestest! I only made mummycat squeal once, but I don't think I'll do that again, cuz the game wasn't very fun after that. She came and chased me and she gotted real mad and she catched me and she held me down with one paw and she gived me lots and lotsa smackypaw with the other one and then she put the bitey on me until I squeaked, and then she cleaned me all over. I know I'm sposed to stay still when she's cleaning me else I get more telling off, but it was so, soooooo boooooooring! And by the time she finished I was all wet and smelling like mummycat and I had no energy to fight any more. So now when I attack her I member to keep the bitey from hurting.

Mummycat's sorta fun cuz she holds me in her paws when I fight with her, and she doesn't hurt me and we can roll around together. And even if I roll loads I'm still in mummycat's paws or on her chest and it's all nice and warm and snuggly, and she doesn't get cross unless I make the bitey too hard, but it's Ok cuz I mostly member not to now. And my favo, favou, my best place to attack her is on the soft rug in front of the stinky horrible bath. My human doesn't like this cuz she says she'd quite like some peace when she's in there, thank you very much, but I know she doesn't mind really.

Seeing as we're speaking about weewee, well, we kinda were, my mummycat is so, so weird sometimes. She keeps cleaning her bumbum and she's saying meeeeeeeeeeow! a lot in a very loud voice and she's walking around as if she's looking for something. And she keeps going in the litterbox all the time and making real, real smelly weewee, sept that she's not being polite about it. she's putting it all up the walls of the litterbox instead of in the litter. And I've tried to cover it up for her by scraping the walls, but it doesn't go away. And it smells real weird. Mummycat says it's to tell the mancats where she is, but that's silly cuz we don't have any mancats who live with us. And even if my brothers were here they'd only be stinky boycats, not mancats, so why's she doing this? And anyway, why would she want a mancat? Everybody knows that boys are stinky and horrible, right? And they cry all the time or bully you or things like that, so why's she looking for one? My human laughed and told her that she didn't need more of a saggy belly just yet, thank you very much, and that got me thinking. She said she had a saggy tummy cuz of us when we were babycats. And I think she's lying, so the human should give her smackypaw and not let her have any fish, but then mummycat's going in the litterbox all the time. Is she trying to see if a babycat comes out? Cuz if she is, it's not working. All she gets is smelly weewee, and I know babycats aren't made of smelly weewee! I'm so conf, um, I don't know the answer and I want one of my friends to tell me!

My human is loving me coming to bed with her, specially cuz I rubrubrub all my body on her now as well as my head, and when I fall over, I make sure to always land on her face so's she knows it's me and where I am. And I try to only do this when there's no light in the sky and she's making the loud sleep noises that sound like my stinky brother Porker Fatboy did when he was choking and nearly stopped breathing when he was real tiny. Stupid Porker! I never did that! But then girls are more smarter than boys anyway. Everybody somebody knows that, right?

My human always says things like "Go away Millie," or "Millie, did you have to wake me up?" or "Millie, it's 3 in the morning and I have to get up for work in 2 hours. Leave me alone!" But I know this is just her pretending, cuz the next minute the bed thing sicks up her arm and her hand cuddles me and gives me scritches and strokeys till I get so excited that I fall over for real and have to snuggle in with my body in the bed thing's tummy under the blanket and my two front paws just over the top of the blanket and my head in the human's shoulder right under her chin. And the human melts, but she goes mushy when I say purpurpur real hard. But I like to say purpurpur, so that's Ok. And then it's still Ok cuz there's two whole hours for her to cuddle me before she has to get up for work, and if she stops cuddling and starts to make the sleep noises, I get up and walk on her face and on her head and then fall over and say "weeeeeeow!" till she starts again. I'm sure she enjoys it as much as I do! And she gets enough sleepy time. She makes the sleep noises even in the early evening now. She says it's cuz I make her so tired, but that's not true. If you had sleepy time in the evening you wouldn't mind getting up when it was dark to cuddle a cute girlkitten, would you?

My human buyed me the coolest toy ever in the world yesterday. Well, sept for Da Bird and my treaty ball and the crinkly balls and the ping pong balls, cuz they're the coolest toys in the world too, don't you think? this new one is a ball that's got holes in it, and in the middle of the ball is a mousey that says "squeak, squeak" every time you give him smackypaw or try to put the bitey on him or try to pull him outta the ball. And if you whap the ball so's it rolls, he says "squeaksqueaksqueaksqueak" and does somersaults all the time the ball's moving. How cool is that! Do you want one? Mummycat says I need to start making a list of toys I want, cuz Santa Paws is coming soon.

Mummycat says that Santa Paws is a big, fat, jolly old mancat who is red like my stinky brother Paws, sept not like him cuz he only had red face and tail and feets, but Santa Paws is red all over. Sept a patch he has on his front starting at his mouth. That's white, and it goes all the way down his front. And she says that he comes in through the catflaps of all good boycats and girlcats and mummycats and daddycats and even big mancats and ladycats who aren't mummycats or daddycats. And he has a big bag with him, and in his bag is lots and lotsa presents, like super presents, like balls and feathers and treaties and lots and lotsa things. And if you're good, you get to have your presents and open them on Christmas, or Catmas, and then you can play with them all at once! She says if you're bad though, all you get is a bath instead. I think I should work on being good. But friends, is mummycat telling the truth? I see'd a cat who looks just like she says Santa Paws does at the last cat show I was at, but he didn't give me no presents, and I was real good that day too! I also thinked that he wouldn't be able to come see us till mummycat taked me to the kitchen and showed me the catflap in the back door. We don't get to use it cuz we aren't allowed to go into the scary outside room, but mummycat says that the cats that lived with the people somebody that lived in the house before we came had cats who used it. She says not to worry, that she'll tell the human to unblock it so that Santa Paws can get in, but that I gotta be good else I'll not get nothing! Is this true? I need you to tell me!

Well, now I really can't think of nothing else to say, and anyway, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna go eat all the stinky goodness I can fit inside of me! Maybe then I'll make a babycat next time I go for a weewee!