Ok, so it's not and I'm not, but it was and I was! Tortureshell Tuesday and a prisoner, that is. Allow me to tell all, and also explain Tortureshell Tuesday which has its official launch earlier than I was planning, thanks to last night.
My human had the idea for Tortureshell Tuesday when she saw a rehoming advert. Read our Tortureshell Tuesday Postto see the advert and the build up for this event. Anyway, here's what we have to do.
Peoples in England call us torties naughty torties because for them it rhymes (they have a funny way of missing out the r sounds when they make talk noise). We have a reputation, and I say, if you've got one of those, you should uphold it! I know that many of you others blog for things like Wordless Wednesday, and even that there is already a Tortie Tuesday, but it's not specific enough to keep our street cred for being the naughtiest cats around in full bloom. Accordingly, I created the Tortureshell Tuesday.
To take part in this event, you need to have done something very naughty. If you were unfortunate enough to be caught in the act and your peoples got a picture of you on the flash box, post that up, but the main drive of this is to get you all to write about what you've done. I see that some of you rely on the pictures to tell the story. My human says she'd like to read the stories of your naughtiness and can't do that if they're told in pictures. Really though, I'm doing this to help you. If you let the picture talk for you, you're relying too much on your peoples to help you speak your mind. That's dangerous. They can twist things so badly to make you seem like you were in the wrong. That brings me to the next point.
We cats all know that we never could possibly do anything wrong, but we also know that the peoples sometimes take a different view. "get off the table," "Don't eat my food," "Stop clawing my foot under the blankets when I'm trying to sleep," "Shut up. It's 3 AM and I need to sleep!" To get you thinking outside the box, for Tortureshell Tuesday, you must think of something you've done that the peoples don't like, write about what you did and why you did it, post a picture if you have it, then sit back and laugh in triumph as you watch your peoples get angry with your rule-breaking. If you're not a tortie, don't let that stop you. The more we rule-break, the better the control we'll have over the peoples. Remember this and get naughty! In the spirit of Tortureshell Tuesday, even though it's not a Tuesday, I'll post my events of last night.
I don't have a picture, but if my human had a flashbox, she would have caught me crouched on the sofa, scratching away, busily trying to bury my... Yep, you've guessed it. I did it again.
In our house, the human has this stupid rule. "You shall always go to the toilet in your litterbox and nowhere else." I broke it, and I did it with style! Allow me to outline the situation to you though.
Yesterday when she came home from work she brought a big box in the door with her. I knew it had been there for a while. I heard the postman leave it for us, but as I'm not big enough to reach the door handle, I couldn't open it to let him in. As soon as I'd allowed her to stop cuddling me she went to open it. There were two very, very good things inside it. The first was the biggest bag of food I've ever seen! It was bigger than me! The second was a new toy. It's a track that has a ball in it. no matter how hard I whap the ball, it stays in this track, so I don't lose it under the sofa. It's a really fun thing to play with. For any of you who are interested, tell your peoples to buy the Feline Play Circuit.
While I was playing, she got distracted. She said she had some of the work hunt thing to finish, but all she did was go on the computer. I sneakied out to take another peep at that treasure trove, that absolute mountain of food. Do you know how glorious that amount of food looks when you can see it all at once? When you can smell it? Well, I could've done if there wasn't plastic in the way. "Ah," I thought in total awe and reverence, "The cat Gods surely live at the top of a mountain like this." In the midst of my deep worship of the holy bounty set before me, surely sent from above, I decided something. I wanted it, I wanted it all, and I wanted it now! So I told the human. then I told her again, then some more, then really, really loudly. She took no notice, and got up and started to clean. Clean! I ask you! This made me so, soooo mad. Can you tell? I needed her attention. I needed to make a statement. I needed to lay down the law in this house of mine, to make her give me what I wanted and when I wanted it. I knew there was one sure-fire way to get her attention, but it was not without its risks. Still, I was full of righteous indignation, and with my heart swelling with it I climbed the side of the couch, squatted, and, eyes fixed on the human all the while, I did the do.
Here, friends, is where things take a slight turn for the worse. You know as well as I do that when you're done doing the do, you gotta scratch to bury it. I was on the sofa, so this was a bit more difficult than usual. I scratched with gusto. I wanted to spread the message as thin as possible. Maybe then I could bury it. But you know what? She heard the scratching and she swooped down on me as quick as you like. My human is too clever at times. She's good at catspeak so she knows how to tell me off in the propper way when I've done something she doesn't like. She put the mommacat grab on my scruff, got down so that I couldn't avoid looking at her, then hissed at me long and hard. I, of course, tried my hardest to get away, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I scratched her good. I'm only sorry I didn't manage to put the bitey on her. Yes, I was still filled with that righteous anger and I was gonna make sure she knew about it! I went to town. Claws, teeth, voice, wriggles, all of it! She was gonna get it, and get it good.
I won. She let go of me, but my freedom was short-lived. She chased me and thanks to that confounded, horrid, stinking dirty bell she's put on my neck, she even managed to catch me. Seeing my total unrepentence (well, what do you expect. My word is law!) and remembering how frequently I'd broken this pretend rule lately, she decided that she needed to take action. And you know what she did? She put me in the bathroom. She locked me up! It was terrible! I was in there for a gajillion and ten years without food and water (if you discount the bowls she'd hidden in plain sight... I know your tactics, human,). I had to lie on the cold floor because I just knew she'd have put spikes in the fluffy bed she'd left so cunningly in there. I was cold beyond belief but I knew if I went near the heater which she'd left on that a mysterious people forcefield would trap me there forever and I'd cook in my own yummy juices. So there I sat, huddled, alone, crying my misery at an uncaring, closed door and a seemingly deaf human. It was terrible, awful! Words can't describe the horror of that place!
The human has used this awful technique before when a cat has been stubborn about using the litterbox. She says it works if it's not overused, which she wouldn't do anyway. Overused? I almost died in that desolate, baren, foodless place last night, and she says overused! Apparently if we're in a small space with food, water, bed and box, we'll use it because we won't soil our own bedding or go too near the food bowls. I did use the box, but that's because I was desperate, not because I was caving in and hoping she'd let me out once I was finished. She did let me out, but that was purely incidental.
So there you have it. I've tortured and been tortured on this Tortureshell not Tuesday. I'm so happy to be free, but I was angry enough that I thought about leaving another sign of my discontent straight after she let me out. Then I remembered the prison and thought I'd better wait a bit until she forgets this infraction. It won't take long. They have a pathetic memory, peoples. She cuddled me good last night, which just goes to prove my point. If she was mad at me, she wouldn't have done that.
So now it's your turn. Tuesday will be the launch of my creation, but I thought I should put up a post early to show you all how it's done. See the things I go through for you? I was hissed at, jailed, I almost died just for you! I want extra street cred points for this!