Grooming habits of peoples

Friends, yesterday was another one of those days which makes me
wonder how peoples survived for as long as they have, and progressed
as much as they have, with their absolutely crazy waste of resources.
Let me discuss further, but first, I must warn that what follows is
not to be encouraged in any of your peoples. It's not pretty, and it
certainly isn't smart.

It has to do with water, you know, the stuff you need to drink to
stay alive? Ask any self-respecting cat to list the uses of water and
he'll say, "Uses? But there's only one, well, perhaps two if drowning
your prey in it could be classified as a use," and he'd be right. Ask
a people, however, and I think you'd find that you got a vastly
different answer. Take yesterday, for example.

It all started with the human picking up Millie apparently just for
a cuddle. My kitten, as much as I love her, has moments where she's
almost as dumb as a people, because when the human started to walk
towards the bathroom, Millie just carried on purring and brrrrrping to
her instead of putting up a token struggle to be let free. I
scarpered. I'm not stupid, and I knew what was coming.

Enter the first waste of water, the waste on grooming. I've had
this bathing thing done to me many times in preparation for shows, and
while it does strip the dirt out of my coat, so does a good tongue
washing, and the latter conserves resources much better. As if
throwing tons of water down the plug-hole isn't bad enough, she adds
smelly horrible shampoos to it which mean that, even if it could be
rescued by some miracle, it's no longer drinkable.

I know that peoples tongues are vastly inferior to ours, but they
still produce saliva, and they can still reach to wash parts of their
body. Ok, so they're not as flexible as us, nor would they be so well
cleaned, but surely this small sacrifice is worth it when it means the
conservation of water?

I usually try and educate her when she's giving me a bath. I talk
her through all the good reasons to save water, why we shouldn't just
get rid of it when it's a life saver. She just tells me to stop
shouting and says things like "Anyone would think I'm killing you
instead of just washing you with all that chattering". That lady never
listens to sense, even when it is shouted at her. I've heard her
intimate in the past that my shouting begins when the water is turned
off, and quietens immediately when I've got the warm water flowing on
me again. I've heard her intimate that this is because I'm being a
"stroppy madam," and because I want the hot water back. What lies she
tells! Let me tell you what's going on. I shout when the water is
turned off firstly with joy that she's seen sense, then with
increasing desperation as she makes moves to turn the water back on. I
scream at her to think before acting, to consider the poor alleycats
who have no water. I give up when the shower comes back on because I
sink into despair at my human's utter ignorance and inability to see
logic.

Then there's the matter of litterboxes. Now, we've already
discussed peoples litterbox habbits last year, how they foul up a
whole bowl of water by doing their unmentionables in it, and how wrong
I thought that was. But friends, they even wash out the propper
litterboxes in water. They actually fill a dirty box to the brim with
water, then wash out all the bits. Then my human fills it again, adds
horrible smelly stuff to it and scrubs. Then it gets emptied and
filled a third time so that the last of the smelly stuff is washed
away.

Now, in my book, filling a litterbox with water at all is a shame
and disgrace. Just change the litter every now and again, and that's
all it needs. But to fill a box three times is just down right
terrible. Considering that we have 4 boxes in our house, that's a lot
of water gone. Even one box full of the stuff would keep me and the
kitten drinking for weeks. Multiply it by 12 and the tragedy of it is
that much worse.

I've tried to educate the human, I really have, but after seeing
her behaviour yesterday, I think I'm going to have to give up on her
totally unless any of you out there have any good tips for stopping
this attrocity. If you do, I'd love to hear from you. Unlike certain
others I could mention, I actually care about conservation. When you
consider that our county is currently experiencing drout, the
repurcussions of her actions are clear. In fact, I wouldn't be at all
surprised if it turned out that she was the sole reason for the drout
in the first place! Come on, friends, help me out here. Surely your
peoples aren't as thoughtless as this one?

Now, today's a special day that only comes once every four years.
My human says that today is the day that ladies can ask their man
friends to marry them. While I won't be so forward as to propose
marriage (I'm not a ladycat who likes to be tied down... More of a
free spirit if you catch my meaning), if you're a mancat and
interested, then believe me, I'd be pleased to hear from you. Too
pleased according to my human who says she hasn't had a propper
night's sleep since Friday with all my shouting. Lots of you live all
the way across the pond though, so a ladycat's gotta shout really loud
to get your attention, doesn't she!

Smoochies to you all.

Tia

One week old!

Friends, I'm exhausted which is why I haven't been writing so much lately. It takes too much effort to think of things to say, and then when I do think of something, these eating machines decide it's time for their next feed and I can go nowhere! They are a week old today, and it's been the longest, longest week, both for me and the human. For her, it's been long cuz she's so tired. She's up in the night with little Hamster still, and it does take it out of her. Well, I'm up with them all the time, and let me tell you, they take it out of me... Literally! I'm sure each mousie drinks sixteen million pints of milk a day, and they're still hungry! They are still fighting fiercely over my nimples no matter how many times I tell them off, but at least little Hamster is doing it too now, so that gives us one lest thing to worry about. He's getting fatter too. The human says he gained 11 grams yesterday all by himself! Well, kinda by himself, even though she's still helping.






Hamster is the last to do everything. The last to fight, the last to learn to suck and the last to purr. Cuz oh yes, my babies have started to purr. The baby was the first. The human heard this funny noise coming from the box after she'd plugged them all in on Saturday night, and when she touched the Baby, her body was vibrating! Porker was the next to pick it up, and this morning, we heard the first tentative purrs from Hamster. I think he's always gonna be slow, but I can't wait till all three of them purr at once! nor can the human. It'll be marvellous!





Their eyes are almost all the way open now, and their ears are beginning to open, but the umbilical chords are still attached! I know I'm sposed to lick them off, but they're icky and gross and I don't wanna! The human says they may well fall off, but I'm not so sure. What do you all think?





They're starting to try and stand more now too. Soon it won't be long till they're walking around, and then the fun really, really starts!





I keep trying to leave the babies behind and run away to escape them. My human wouldn't let me leave them for long the first few days, but as time has progressed, I'm allowed to come out for longer as long as I don't do it frequently. I even had a little play session this morning! I also did something else that I know I shouldn't have though.





Last night, the human heard me scratching at the mat in the kitchen. I don't normally do this at all, so she came to investigate. It wasn't long before her nose told her what had happened, and I tell you what, she got real, real cross. I'd left a number two on the mat for her. Just a little one, but it was enough to send her absolutely hopping mad! Why? Cuz I had a litter tray in the pen with me. I had one in the living room. I even had one in the hall nice and far away from the babies. So really, I had no excuse to do what I did. She caught me at it again this morning. Both times, she scruffed me just like an angry mommacat, and said lots of angry words with a big hiss thrown in for good measure. I got the message right quick, I can tell you. This morning, she even took me to my hall litterbox, put me in there even though I didn't wanna go, and made me dig in it with my paws. The indignity of it! I decided I didn't want that to happen again, so I ran straight back to the pen and went in the tray in there. I got massive praise for doing that, and a whole handful of treats and ages of snuggling, so I guess it was worth it in the end. My human's scary when she's cross though. Do your peoples ever get mad at you? Is mine the only one that does the mommacat grab and hiss? It's far too effective for my liking!





So, back to mousies. They grow bigger by the day! I'll tell you their weights so that you can see. Tori, to answer your question, the human will record their weights right up until when they leave us, as it's a good indicator of how well or poorly each mousie is doing. When they start eating and gaining well, the frequency will go down, but that's about it. Keeping detailed records is so, so important when mousies are depending on you though!





The baby:
Birth weight: 71 G
Today's weight: 165 G





Hamster:
Birth weight: 101 G
Today's weight: 151 G





Porker:
Birth weight: 92 G
Today's weight: 192 G





As you can see, the Baby and Porker are very healthy weights. Kittens should double their birth weight in the first week, or at a stretch, 10 days. Hamster has only gained half the weight of the others and half his original birth weight, but he's picking up now, so let's hope it won't be too much longer before he's doubled! He's not much smaller than the Baby, but he's a bit weaker which means he works so much harder. Porker is so big that he just bullies everyone else until he gets his own way which neither me nor the human like to see. We know this isn't necessarily an indicator of his personality, but it's hard to remember that when we watch him shove Hamster out of the way to steal his nimple even though Porker has one of his own right at the back, and those are the best ones! Ah well, in two weeks they'll start eating propper food anyway, so this won't go on too much longer I hope. Then maybe I can have a break!





Thank you to those of you who keep stopping by. We love to hear from you and cherish every comment!

May Day! May Day! I Need Help!

Friends, I do indeed need help! I'm in a right state, and it's all because of that human! I'll tell you, but I beg any kitten readers not to read any further. What I am about to discuss is so horrid, so foul that no young cat should have to hear about it. Well, here goes!






The day started normally enough, that is with me attacking the human's feets under the blanket thing and then, just as she got really, really cheesed off, crawling up beside her purring so sweetly that she was helpless and just cuddled me. Victory! But friends, it was not to last for long. Oh, if only I'd known!





As normal, she got up, but here's where the trouble started. Normally in the morning she'll give me a portion of stinky goodness which I turn my nose up at. I do this with all stinky goodness cuz it keeps her buying new varieties to try me on, and means that my diet is nice and varied! Forget the stress it causes her to find something I'll like. I just sneak a few bites when she's not around. Anyway, this morning, she didn't give me it! I did still have dried down, but that's soooooooo booooooooring! I did shout and shout at her, but she just ignored it. Later she told me she'd forgotten to give me stinky goodness. Forgotten? I could have starved! Died of hunger with only an endless supply of dried stuff to sustain me! Honestly, friends, I felt quite faint every time I looked at that empty spot where my stinky goodness dish should have been.





So, I wasn't in the best of moods, but when she went into the hall, I followed her on appropriately shakey legs, and with the right amount of piteous crying. It still didn't soften her. She went to my litterbox room and she started to clean the boxes. I have two now. She says she's trying to change me to a litter that is better for the environment and that is more hygienic. It clumps so that all my pee can be scooped out, but if one of my babies eats it, it isn't harmful. It's not clay based, and the clumps do break down if they get too wet, so any eaten stuff passes right through their tummies. However, she remembers what happened last time when she changed my litter and I peed and peed on her sofa, so she says she's gonna give me the choice. So far I've been using both trays, but I'm slowly going more and more in the new one. in fact, most of my pee and, um, number twos are done in that tray now, but I do use the old one occasionally just to make sure she doesn't take it away!





Anyway, back to my story. So, she started to clean. Where's the problem with that, I hear you say? Well, there's no problem with her cleaning, but there was a huge problem with where she put the stuff she took out! I watched in disbelief as she went into her litterbox room, opened the lid on the bowl of fresh water, broke up my clumps and put them in there! I've told you about this before when I spoke of her disgusting, wasteful litterbox habits, but I was hoping this would stop. I watched her make trip after trip to put my clumps in the water, and with each journey, I got angrier. I got in her way a few times. I even purred at her thinking that if I could distract her by making her cuddle me, she'd not keep fouling perfectly good water. But friends, she wouldn't be put off!





When my trays were clean, she went and pulled a lever on the water bowl. A lot of water came into the bowl and washed my clumps away, and suddenly it was all clean water again. But I still can't come to terms with the waste of water that would have kept my thirst away for weeks! What is it with these peoples? They have no respect for things! They don't share their stinky goodness with us. They ration what we eat, what we poo in, how many fresh water sources we have, and yet, when it comes to their own habits, they are more wasteful than, well, than anything else!





How can I stop her doing this? She may care about the environment, but I care about my water! I need a solution, as none of mine appear to be working! I anxiously await your replies.

Monday Monday

Friends, just a quicky post from me today, as the human forgot to write for me until now, and now she's tired!




Since last I wrote, I haven't really done much except cuddle with the human and love on Dogman who went away again yesterday. Whenever he's here though, he takes the human away from me a lot. She says she goes walking with him, but I don't care. Her being anywhere other than by my side is not good, and so I've been less loving to Dogman than before jus to show my displeasure.





I continue to sleep by my litterboxes instead of with the human, but she took up the little bit of carpet that used to be in front of them, and put down a mat instead. Last night I spent more time with her than normal, so she's wondering if the carpet had something to do with me sleeping there. However, every chance I get I sneak off in there to hide. The human says she can't always chase me out cuz I now watch for her coming, and only get up to move when I know she's going to kick me out of my napping spot. The human says that if it was just me that was always going to live here, she'd put up with it, but as other cats are going to join us, she needs to help me kick this habit before it really sets in. She says I'm not allowed to do it when others come, cuz then they won't use the litterbox cuz I'm guarding it. She says that now that she's sure I'm not stressed, she's gonna get tougher on me... I don't like the sound of that one little bit!





The human's ears are also feeling much better today. She says they don't feel like they're under water any more, but I've been on her lap all day snuggling just to make sure. I'm certain it's been my diligent nursing that's pulled her through this last bad spell!





She says that I might get my show bath tomorrow, but maybe she'll do it on Wednesday. She hasn't decided yet. Either way, you'll get the pics as soon as my torture is complete!





Until then, keep those peoples guessing!

What Day Is It?

Friends, it's hard to remember the days of the week lately. Before, I knew when it was due to my human going off to the work hunt to pay for my foods and toys, but now that she doesn't go any more, one day is very like the next, and they all blend together. What's a ladycat to do when she can't coordinate her diary? I blame that for the fact that I'm still not thinking about mancats very much. I mean, if I'm to make a date, how will I make sure i don't miss it! The human says she'll help me remember, but can I really put my trust in a creature that doesn't even remember how to use a litterbox propperly, despite my numerous demonstrations? Unwise, if you ask me.




Well, first thin'gs first, an update on the kittens. The two bouncing boys weren't the last to be born. Mummycat had nine babies in total, but unfortunately, three of them had already left for the rainbow bridge, and one little girl is really struggling not to follow them. Keep those paws crossed that she decides she wants to play this side of it for a little longer! Mummycat's milk hasn't come in, so the people that she owns has been delegated the task of hand feeding the babies who aren't getting the little milk that mummycat is able to produce. The people who she owns is a super lady though, so she doesn't mind doing it at all.





In other news, I just think I need to say that I agree with you, Hannah and Lucy, and I told my human so. When her friend came today, I decided to put it to the test, so strolled over to her and gave her a little head bumpy. She gave me scritches, but the human didn't reward me with treats! how dare she not!





Speaking of food, she bought me a new type of stinky goodness. Well, two new types actually. They arrived yesterday. She bought new ones cuz the old ones had too much sugar and were making my teeth bad. But I don't like the new kind. I ate a little of one type yesterday, but when she put more down today, I only licked it once and walked off! Then when she put the second type down, I ate a little of it, but didn't want any more after that. I don't do healthy, please and thank you! Junk food any time for me! She says I'd better learn to like it cuz she bought a lot, but I say I'll like it if I choose to, and if she doesn't like it, well, she better learn to like it! hah, human, bet you don't like it now that the shoe is on the other foot, do you!





I've been having fun in my new place, and training the human at the same time. you remember I told you I was hanging out by the litterbox a lot? Well, my human thinks that if she gives me treats, it'll draw me out of there, so every time I go towards it and don't use the box, she calls me back into the room where she is. If I jump up on the sofa beside her, I get a treat. All I have to do is jump back down again an dpretend to head for my safe spot, and you know what happens? She gives me another treat when she calls me back and I come! Man, this human training is soooo easy!





I also had fun playing with my toys today. I've told you about my play cube before. It's so neat and it has three round entrances that you can dive through. Each one has a dangling toy hanging down from above that you can swat and bite, and it's soooo much fun! It's even good as a little house to take naps in. I climbed in there this morning and was just about to doze off when I noticed that right in front of me, within fairly easy whapping distance, was my ball in a track! This is a cool toy, cuz no matter how many times you whap the ball, you can never lose it cuz it stays in its track. I love it. I leaned forward to give it a whap, and I got it good! But as I did, the cube moved, and something whapped me on the head! I swizzled round in surprise, and what do you know? it was a ball! But how did that get there? it was sposed to be in the track! only after I attacked it did I look back at the track, and, low and behold, there was a ball in it! What on earth was going on here? how dare that ball think it could whap me! and on my head too! I was the only one sposed to be doing any whapping around here!





Again I leaned forward and whapped the ball in the track. Again the cube moved, and yet again, a ball whapped me on the top of the head! Really, this was too much, and I turned round to beat it up, but then I saw the ball in the track again! I couldn't stand it any longer. I put both of my paws out of my cube, and I whapped that ball until there was hardly any whap left in me! As I did though, the cube rolled right over and dumped me out onto the floor! I wasn't going to stand for this. Quick as a wink, I turned around, and with claws and teeth working on full power, I attacked. The cube had other ideas though. It rolled away from me. I chased, pounced, dived inside, but the cheeky cube rolled me over as it carried on on its merry way! Perhaps my wriggling inside it had something to do with the fact that it rolled, but I'm not so sure, you know. While I was attacking, I saw that ball again! I realised that it was stuck to the cube with a bit of elastic over one of the entrances. It was one of the cube's hanging toys! But right as I saw this, the ball in the track came back into view, and I just had to whap it. Then the other ball hit me and, and, oh friends, it was just too much, and the carpet was there and. Well, it asked for me to attack it. I promise! It really did ask for it, so I did! Thankfully, my human was too caught up in her computer to notice me doing any of this. Wouldn't it have been embarrassing if she was just pretending not to notice so that I wouldn't stop when I was having such a good time, and she saw the whole thing? I'm so glad my human is stupid sometimes...

She's Got Some Splaining to Do!

Oh yes she does, friends. The human, that is. Earlier today I was informed by a reliable source that another cat had been writing on my blog, and that my human had been fratternising with it. The latter I believe. She's difficult like that, and no amount of training will teach her otherwise, but the former? Surely not. As soon as Dogman turned his back, I had a quick peak, and couldn't believe my eyes! Who does this Phoebe think she is! What's going on here! Why is my human cuddling another kitten! I was so angry that when Dogman and she were talking on the phone, I miaowed very, very loudly and told her off repeatedly. Dogman was surprised at the amount of noise I was making. Just as well he doesn't understand felinese, cuz I confess that some of the language I was using was far from ladylike. You know what though? I don't care, and I'm not ashamed of it. That human needs putting in her place.




Once I was done telling her exactly what I thought of her, I found that my anger was manageable. I went back and re-read what the kitten had written, and my heart softened as my claws retracted instead of scrabbing. She sounds so lost, so misguided, so, well, kittenish. I have a soft spot for kittens. I can't help it. They're just so defenceless and impressionable. I decided that instead of shouting at her for stealing my blog as she deserves, I'd tell her rescue story instead, cuz she was a rescue you know.





Tori, Phoebe is not my human's new kitten, no. We did say we were getting one a few months ago, but unfortunately, it turned out that that baby wasn't the right way to be shown. So we're still waiting. no, this kitten owns the human's auntie people and her three kittens. The peoplekittens are quite old kittens now, but you know, they do stay babies for such an awfully long time. Anyway, Phoebe began life as one of a group of kittens in a feral colony. Mummycat was being fed by the auntie cuz she could tell that she was nursing and she wanted to help her. Phoebe and her siblings were born just as it was starting to get cold here, so mummycat could do with all the help she could get.





For about four or five weeks, everything was fine. Mummycat fed the babies and the babies followed mummycat everywhere. But then the peoples noticed that one little cat wasn't following so good. Mummycat was a very good mummycat though, and kept coming back for it and picking it up to take with her. But the peoples could see that the kitten wasn't well. They phoned my human and told her that the kittens eyes were gummed shut so bad that she couldn't see, and that she seemed sniffly and lethargic. When the human said that it was cat flu and would most likely kill her through her being cold or mummycat struggling too much and leaving her behind or her own immune system not being strong enough yet to fight it off, the peoples, particularly the oldest peoplekitten, got very upset. The human advised them on the best way to separate the kitten from mummycat and trap it with the minimum amount of distress.





It wasn't hard to do. The baby was so sick that she didn't even try to run away. When they took her inside, she was so scared, but too weak to run. The human told the mummypeople of the peoplekittens, her auntie, how to make up a saline solution and then how to safely bathe the baby's eyes to give her some temporary relief before they took her to the vet.





Now you know that I go back and forth on whether or not I like vets, but whether I love 'em or hate 'em, the fact remains that occasionally, they have their uses. This was one of those cases. They helped the auntie clean phoebe up good. She had fleas, she had worms, she had flu, she was too small to eat propperly just yet, and the auntie didn't have the money for any of it. The vet was so nice that he said the only thing they had to pay for was the eye drops for her eyes, and they had to promise to bring her back for her vaccinations. Super vet!





They took the kitten home. They got fleas, but they still didn't care. They just cleaned them out of where they landed, and kept cleaning the kitten. That's when she got named Phoebe. The oldest peoplekitten watches the TV show Friends, and on there, a people named Phoebe sings a song that goes, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you". Now normally I'd take offence to this. After all, it's not terribly flattering to be named for a smelly cat. But the thing is, she was smelly back then, and anyway, Phoebe is the peoplekitten's favourite character, so it's kinda Ok. So Phoebe was her name, and it stuck.





The original plan was to clean her up, then put her back with the mummycat, but that lasted all of about two seconds. The human also mentioned the high mortality rate in feral colonies from things like FIV, and as soon as they heard that, they decided, well, the oldest peoplekitten decided, that they were keeping her as a housecat. They had no experience of cats at all, let alone tiny kittens, but somehow they managed to get her eating, and sort of pooping in her litterbox. I say sort of cuz she prefers to go on the floor right nearby. They didn't heed any of the human's advice on fixing the problem though, so she still does it. She's about three months old now, and is reasonably well adjusted. She's still not too sure about peoples, but that's more to do with the environment she lives in rather than her routes, we suspect. It's a very noisy and fast-paced household. Goodness, even I wouldn't be a huge people cat in that sort of house, and I love peoples! We have hope that she'll get better though.





So, that's Phoebe's story. This little kitten has found her forever home right in time to have her first Christmas. Isn't that great? What's not so great is that she stole my blog, but hey ho, she's just a kitten and I guess she doesn't know she's not sposed to. if she does it next Christmas, she'll get a good whapping, but for now, cuz she's tiny and cute, I'll say this instead. Welcome to the world, Phoebe, welcome to Christmas, welcome to your forever home, and more importantly, welcome to love! Soak it all up, baby. It don't get much better than you've got it. Oh, also, I've had a report from the human about the Pepper. Just so as you know, the Pepper is actually called a dog, and dogs are made for whacking! The human says she attacks you and bites you and chases you. She doesn't do it enough to draw blood or to really hurt. She's doing it more cuz she's jealous of the attention you get rather than cuz she wants to do you injury, but it's not acceptable! The peoples are too soft with her. They don't discipline her the way they should, so, baby, it's up to you! Those claws you have? Use 'em. I know you're starting to, cuz the human heard Pepper yelp a couple of times when you decided to chase her. Good for you! You need to do that now when she comes to bite you. Just remember, you are and always will be cuter than her, which means you'll always get more attention and she'll always be jealous. that means you gotta stick up for yourself. Claws, claws, claws! She'll be much happier once you've put her in her place.





Because it's Christmas, I'll allow you to cuddle my human too. Sit with her a while. She's a good people to teach you that peoples are not all busy busy and can be good, quiet, warm places to sleep which will scratch and tickle you when you ask for it. You're right not to bite though. The human is such a bore when even I do that. it's just not worth it. If you're nice, she'll bring you ribbons and things to play with. I'll tell her to.





Now, I'm done being nice. Dogface is here. I've got some whapping to do!

Christmas Eve!

This will be a joint post from me and the human. I decided that I couldn't let her write alone on Christmas eve, so here I am.




It's been a quiet few days without the human here. Dogman is good, but he doesn't talk to me as much as she does. he's fun to follow though. The human says this is a good sign. I follow her around, so she thinks cuz I follow him it means I like him. What she doesn't seem to consider is that he's interesting to watch, that's all.





Some strange things happened today. For one, Dogface came back when she wasn't sposed to. Apparently, Dogman's mummypeople's daddypeople (so, Dogman's grandad) got rushed back to hospital. He's not very well anyway, but they were hoping he'd be Ok over Christmas. This meant that the mummypeople had to leave in a hurry to go see him, so Dogface got to come stay with me and Dogman. This meant some rearranging though. My foods and my box were out in the open, and if they were left there, Dogface would have gone scavenging. I'm not going to go into details of what she takes from the box. It's too disgusting for Christmas eve, but she eats all my foods too, so Dogman had to move them. This meant I went up in the world though, as I now have a whole room all to myself that Dogface can't get into. It has my foods and my box in there, and even a massive soft flat thing called a massage table for me to lie on. The door only has a little gap in it so I can get in and out but Dogface can't. Hah! So I can have my stinky goodness in peace! The human isn't so pleased that we won't all be separated though. She consoles herself with the fact that she tried.





Dogman's tree is very, very interesting. I keep considering really whapping one of the dangly things, but I'm too much of a ladycat to go attacking things. Instead, I stand up on my back legs and grab them with my front. My human has another one of her word pictures of me for you.





I heard a bit of a rumpus coming from the tree. Dogman has a lot of very expensive glass ornaments which, after heeding my advice, he hung nice and high, so although I knew she could only get at the plastic ones, I was worried about her potentially pulling the tree over. When I got to her, I found a ladycat with fluff on end which means she's in high play mode, and tail a-quiver. There she was with her two hind paws planted squarely on the carpet. Her two front ones weren't there though. They were stretched right up and holding onto one of the biggest baubles. She just held it there rather like you or I would hold a mug between our hands to warm them. Her head was down and she was sniffing like crazy as though she couldn't quite work out what this strange thing was. She was like a little statue until I lifted my hands, then the whapping started. Discovering that the ball stayed fixed to the branch though, she let out the most disgusted sounding meow, gave the offending item an almighty swipe, then pelted away from the tree as though it had bitten her. She sprinted to the other end of the house, then came tearing back like her tail was on fire.





Human, I only ran away to get a ping pong ball. They're much better. They roll. Stupid tree.





While my day has been relatively quiet, the human's has been hectic. She's been wrapping and distributing presents all day. Even though she didn't go out to other peoples' houses to wrap presents, lots of them came to see her and the HGG. She got to see the youngest humankitten in the family. He is only two years old, and it's funny cuz as soon as he saw her, he went crazy. He is deaf too, so instead of making the talk noise at him, she waved and made a big smiley face. He let out a big squeal and ran at her, right past the HGG, dived on her and gave her a big, sticky fat hug. His mummypeople says she's never seen him do that with anyone before. The human was pleased. I don't know why though. Little stickies pull your hair and put slobber on you and they're so noisy!





It's only 20 minutes till Christmas, and the human says the last visitor has only just left. She always gets up with the babies to see them open their santa presents, so there won't be much sleep for her. The HGg is very tired from all the visiting, and hasn't been too well today anyway, so she's going to have to put her to bed too and get her settled before she can sleep. Then once the kitten presents are done, it's time for her to open hers. Sadly, Dogman hasn't bought me or Dogface anything to open. I'm disappointed, but the human says that I shouldn't be. She says all the stuff she bought for Santa Paws initially will be mine, as we couldn't send it in our package after I got sick again, just in case Mr Bug had stowed away while we weren't looking. Plus we will have our own Santa Paws package when we get back from Hannah and Lucy, and we have the toys from the Kazba Kitten too. Oh, it's so exciting! But I want something now. The human says she'll tell Dogman to give me extra stinky goodness, but it's not quite the same. We don't know if we mentioned before, but we sent our Santa Paws package out way earlier this week, and we can only hope that it's reached the recipient on time!





The only thing that remains is for me and the human to wish you all a very, very merry Christmas. Thank you all for being with us over the last few months. we know they haven't been easy, what with us all complaining about being sick and all. We hope you all get everything that you want from Santa Paws or santa clause if you're a people, or santa claws if you're a cat who prefers the paw of guidance with claws extended. Either way, we hope you all have a peaceful and happy day tomorrow with lots of food and love and time with those nearest and dearest. I feel it only propper to remind the peoples that stinky goodness should not be rationed on this day of giving. It would be mean to do so! Also, laps should be available at all times for cuddling in, even if you see sitting still as an inconvenience. The turkey is for our consumption, so please don't be frustrated if we eat first. We promise we'll leave some for you.

Perplexing Peoples

I had planned today to continue my diatribe on the subject of toilets, and, while I still intend to do it, I've got more material than just that.

I think we might have mentioned the Hoover Lady was not coming back to the human's place any more to work with us. This meant that the human has had to go interviewing for a new hoover lady to come instead. It's hard work finding the right one, as she found out tonight.

The trouble started right as he walked in the door. He couldn't be another hoover lady cuz he wasn't a she. I pointed this out to the human, but she was too busy making polite talk noise with him, so didn't listen. It's not often that I take a dislike to peoples on sight. I'll do the propper thing and ignore them when they come in of course, but that's more my way of showing that I think it's disgusting that they usually go gaa-gaa over stupid Dogface first. Admittedly, she is barking and slobbering all over them while I'm staying well back and watching in a more dignified manner which perhaps could be seen as aloof, but that's no excuse. Even peoples should have the sense to say hello to cats first. I'll wait until they fight off the dogface, sit down and dry their hands of all her slobberstink before I will show my absolute superiority by walking onto the sofa next to them in a very quiet and gentle manner. I need no overt attention grabbing moves to ensure peoples love me!

Tonight was different though. As soon as Dogface saw the hoover lady replacement, she started growling, and it wasn't her usual growl either. This one meant business. Luckily, the human had thought to put her on her lead, so she couldn't get at him. Even when he'd sat down though, she made no attempt to come and greet him. I watched closely, but didn't like what I saw either. While he was in, I didn't once move from the arm of the sofa by the human, either to greet him or to go eat some of my foods.

The human has put in the job description that the ability to be comfortable with animals is a must. Even when Dogface was just doing her normal barking before she started growling, he seemed very nervous, and things only got worse when the human asked him about cats. he had lived with one, but get this. He expected him to hunt for a living! He only fed him very rarely, and even though he lived indoors, Hoover Lady replacement never once picked him up or cuddled him. That's outrageous! I can't believe that this replacement never even considered giving him tuna or cuddles! Luckily replacement's mum wasn't so harsh.

I'd had a chat with the human before the man people came, cuz I wanted to get my interview technique good and propper. She agreed that it must be a joint interview between the two of us, and to help proceedings along, I'd especially worked up a good case of the runny eyes. The human didn't clean it just to see if the replacement would notice. Even after prompting, he didn't say a thing about it. All he did was complain about the number of toys all over the place. That got him a massive thumbs down from me... If I had thumbs, I mean.

The human doesn't much like him either, so I guess his fate is sealed. Buh-bye, Replacement. We hardly knew ye... And I for one am glad of it!

So, on to more important things. Human toilet behaviour, part two. She must have been outraged by what I'd written yesterday, and perhaps she was just trying to prove a point, but late last night I heard what was akin to sweet music to my ears. I heard scratching from the box. It was the one in the bathroom rather than the one I'd had set up for her convenience in the living room, but still, you can't win 'em all, right? With baited breath and no small excitement I hot footed it into the bathroom to watch the human do her first propper toilet. What I first saw made me proud. She had a hand in the box and she was scratching around (human note: I use gloves and plastic bags. I have to scoop by hand to have a hope of finding the poo, but I'm hygienic, I promise!). On second sight, what I saw made me more than a little disgusted. She withdrew her hand, and my hopes with it, but that's not all she took from the box. In her clutches was, well, the same thing that the horrible vet peoples stole from me not so long ago. What on earth was she doing! I couldn't believe firstly that she would contaminate herself by touching it if she didn't have to, and secondly that she was exposing my scent to any lurking predators such as Dogface and the spider wand toy that always bops me on the head. Oh, and the feathers too. Didn't she realise the danger?

Frantically, I tried to communicate this to her, but she took no notice. What's more, there was worse to come. With absolute disbelief I watched her turn to her water bowl, open the cover that she puts on it, then drop my um, poopoo into the clean water. I was outraged, and not a little revolted. This was a dreadful way to make a point. She had obviously read between the lines and noted my contempt of human stupidity yesterday when I was speaking of how they didn't have the sense not to contaminate their own water, and now, even though I didn't engineer it that way, I'm part of that contamination. Was it coincidence that she scratched, that she made me think she was doing what I wanted to draw me in, then committed the worst sin when I was there to watch the dirty deed? Or was she removing all traces for the enemy to follow, for, although it pains me no end to admit it, next time I used that box it did smell a lot cleaner, a lot less attention drawing, and once she'd poured more water on the waste to make it go away, I couldn't smell it in the bathroom either. I am at a loss to know what is going on. Did she do it to spite me, or is she operating on instincts so deep that she doesn't even need to be taught to get rid of poopoo far away from the place of safety where you live? I'd thought they had no sensible instincts left in them, but was I wrong? I'm sorry to say that for once I have no answers. This owning the human can be very confusing at times.

There's some super news to lighten the indignity though. We've had another person enter our competition! This brings the number up to 2 and a bit. One cat left a comment saying how great Soft Claws were, but not why she wanted them or what size and colour she needed, so we're not sure if she wants to be entered or not. Still though, this leates entry means we have one more!

Thank you to all those who commented on yesterday's post. The hit counter is an excellent idea, but I'm not sure how accessible they will be with Screen Reader. That's the little man in the computer whose job it is to read all the writing to the human. He must get so tired of doing that, you know. Anyway, he's not the smartest of little men, so sometimes he can't cope with difficult coding or reading things that have graphics. One of you offered to help us put one in, and if it's Ok, we'll take you up on that and see how it goes.

Amy and her Cats said that one of these days they're going to have me as a Friends on Friday. I'm super excited about that, oh yes I am! There's also the chance that a person who makes a living out of annoying peoples and cats by pointing one of those flashy boxes at them is going to come and take pictures of me. They used to only do peoples weddings but now, sensibly, they've decided to branch out and want lots of cat pictures. I told them I thought I'd be just perfect, and they're thinking about it. If they come, the human will only have to give them moneys to feed the big metal machine (the human says it's a car but I know better) so that he can run all the way from their house to mine and back again. I'm a bit worried about this. I send her to work to get those moneys for my foods. I'm not sure I like the idea of it going into someone else's belly. He needn't think he's getting any of my tuna! If they do come though, it means lots and lotsa pictures for the blog which is super!

Anyway, enough from me for today. I need to work on sleeping off the memory of replacement.

The Human Enigma

Well, what can I say? From having very little comments when I wrote yesterday's post, I had people respond to me that I didn't even know read the blog. If a cat can be said to be humbled, I guess I was yesterday, although I'll not admit that ever again, even if I'm tortured with things as vile as tuna I can't reach! An upstanding ladycat should never confess to being humbled. And yet, it was incredibly nice to see all of the comments from peoples and cats, some of whom I didn't even realise were visiting me from day to day. Thank you all for continuing to read. It means an awful, awful lot.

Now, the title of my post speaks volumes, because the human is a bit of an inigma. On Puss-Puss' Blog
I've been discussing how the wake up habits of my human are not only inappropriate, but distressing and dangerous too. To illustrate my next point, I'll reproduce what I said to her there.

Puss-Puss, this behaviour you speak of is something my human exhibits every single day of her life. Hers is extreme, however. She maintains that she doesn't have time after the work hunt to sit down and provide a comfy, self-heating, soft place for me to sleep until I have decided that it is time to wake up. Firstly, she states that she must clean the house, wash bedding, de-fur the furniture. My answer to that is that if we are clean, that is all that matters, bedding is better when it has your scent on it and not the smell of horrid human soap, and that I spent much time and effort furring that sofa, thank you very much, and could she kindly leave it alone. She tells me she doesn't have time to listen to my complaints either. The nerve! My human has also gone a step up on the bell idea first thing in the morning. I trust that you will agree that when you sleep, it is not advisable to allow strangers into your den. You are vulnerable when you're resting, after all. My human,however, thinks it is acceptable to wake up to the sound of a myriad of peoples voices which come from a small box on the bedside table. There is even occasionally music too. I have to admit that it is a most effective waking mechanism, for it has me on alert immediately. I feel it my duty to protect the human from her own stupidity, and that involves being on the watch to save her from intruders. The thing that gets me though is that she chooses the voices. She used to have a beeping box instead, but maintained that she didn't like it because it woke her in a bad mood. I'm sorry, but waking up at all before you've finished sleeping would put anyone in a bad mood, whether it's through voices or beeping. They are strange creatures, these peoples, but their stupidity does make them indeering, no?

I am sure I am not the only cat with a human who exhibits these strange, and quite frankly worrying behaviours on a daily basis, but her latest complaint has me making some of my own.

My human uses a litterbox. It's not a propper bathroom spot, having no sand, no area to dig in, nowhere even to stand to do the business. Rather, it is a bowl filled with water. The first time I watched her use her box, I was most distressed. First of all, she sat, or at least, did the human equivalent of sitting. now even a kitten knows that if you sit down whilst going to the bathroom, you're gonna get one messy rear end, and then, what's worse, you'll be forced to clean it off to preserve your rightfully gained reputation for being one of the cleanest members of the household. That is not a pleasant mouthful as I am sure you will agree, but the human would have a worse time of it than me. Her spine is not as flexible as mine. This probably has to do with old age and the fact that she doesn't regularly do her stretching exercises against a scratching post, but the fact remains that she cannot clean herself all over as we can.

To get back to the story at hand, I watched in fascination and no little disgust as she sat down on the water bowl. I could not believe she was wilfully going to contaminate a good, clean water supply, and, as I would with any of my own kittens who attempted such a horrible trick, I shouted at her. It had absolutely no affect, and, right before my horrified eyes, she, well, she used the box that is not a box. I remember stopping dead, sitting back and just staring at her in disbelief. It was outrageous that she had not only ruined a lot of good water, but hadn't listened to my sensible warnings into the bargain.

From that moment on I took on the task of educating her to propper box uses... Or trying to. I ran with the idea that she was a newborn kitten as far as brain power was concerned. In this way, I could find it in myself to forgive her for what she'd done. She knew no better, so how could I punish her?

As I would with my own, I called the human, and for once she came. I made a show of walking to the box, then called her again, just to make sure she had her full attention on me. I then climbed into the box and, in the politest of ladycat fashions, I did what I needed to. I'm not always quite that austentacious, but she is a lady-human, and needs to be set a standard for manners. I scratched around in there for quite a time, making a lot of noise to show her that I was burying the nasty. I knew I needed to do this to combat the fact that her eyes did not work. When I exited the box, I did the mummycat to kitten chirrup at her to tell her what a pleasurable experience it was, then called her to let her know it was her turn.

Now, were she a kitten, even the most dim-minded of the litter, she would have attempted to clamber into the tray and copy me, even if it did take a little urging. I urged her all right, but she simply looked puzzled and asked if I was feeling all right.

Friends, whenever she is around I repeat this education. I will accept that it sometimes takes a few demonstrations before kittens get the hang of what they are supposed to be doing, but after months, she was still ruining the water, and seeming quite content to do so. I demanded that a box be brought into the living room so that I could ensure she had full hearing of my actions whenever I decided to go. Through a judicious use of crying, scratching and leaving litterbox presents on her sofa, I finally convinced her to move it. But it was to no avail.

I will call to her every time I come from my box demonstration, hoping against hope that one day the penny will drop and she'll come to the box like a good human for her toileting. Bug has heard me do this when the human is talking to him on the phone, and the pair find it highly amusing. I don't. It takes a lot of effort to keep up the manners and the demonstrating all the time, and they don't seem to appreciate that.

I still fail, after wracking my brains, to understand why humans choose to go to the bathroom in such an undignified and frankly dangerous manner. At their most compromised they are still visible, and they don't have anywhere to bury the waste to throw other animals off their scent. What is more, they contaminate good drinking water, and while I know that there is usually a lot in the bowls for me and Dogface, the human is reduced to drinking it from bottles. That bowl is human sized, so I can't understand why it doesn't click with her that if she stopped putting her waste in there, she'd have no need to ration herself to bottles. Her bowl is self filling and everything, but no matter how many times it does this and sweeps away the waste, she's just right back there the next time.

Do any of you have explannations for this? Is it a behaviour you have witnessed in your peoples? Have you had any more success than I in training them out of this worrying habit? Is there an instinctual reason why they do this which I am simply not aware of?

Tortureshell Tuesday Early: I'm a Prisoner

Ok, so it's not and I'm not, but it was and I was! Tortureshell Tuesday and a prisoner, that is. Allow me to tell all, and also explain Tortureshell Tuesday which has its official launch earlier than I was planning, thanks to last night.

My human had the idea for Tortureshell Tuesday when she saw a rehoming advert. Read our Tortureshell Tuesday Post
to see the advert and the build up for this event. Anyway, here's what we have to do.

Peoples in England call us torties naughty torties because for them it rhymes (they have a funny way of missing out the r sounds when they make talk noise). We have a reputation, and I say, if you've got one of those, you should uphold it! I know that many of you others blog for things like Wordless Wednesday, and even that there is already a Tortie Tuesday, but it's not specific enough to keep our street cred for being the naughtiest cats around in full bloom. Accordingly, I created the Tortureshell Tuesday.

To take part in this event, you need to have done something very naughty. If you were unfortunate enough to be caught in the act and your peoples got a picture of you on the flash box, post that up, but the main drive of this is to get you all to write about what you've done. I see that some of you rely on the pictures to tell the story. My human says she'd like to read the stories of your naughtiness and can't do that if they're told in pictures. Really though, I'm doing this to help you. If you let the picture talk for you, you're relying too much on your peoples to help you speak your mind. That's dangerous. They can twist things so badly to make you seem like you were in the wrong. That brings me to the next point.

We cats all know that we never could possibly do anything wrong, but we also know that the peoples sometimes take a different view. "get off the table," "Don't eat my food," "Stop clawing my foot under the blankets when I'm trying to sleep," "Shut up. It's 3 AM and I need to sleep!" To get you thinking outside the box, for Tortureshell Tuesday, you must think of something you've done that the peoples don't like, write about what you did and why you did it, post a picture if you have it, then sit back and laugh in triumph as you watch your peoples get angry with your rule-breaking. If you're not a tortie, don't let that stop you. The more we rule-break, the better the control we'll have over the peoples. Remember this and get naughty! In the spirit of Tortureshell Tuesday, even though it's not a Tuesday, I'll post my events of last night.

I don't have a picture, but if my human had a flashbox, she would have caught me crouched on the sofa, scratching away, busily trying to bury my... Yep, you've guessed it. I did it again.

In our house, the human has this stupid rule. "You shall always go to the toilet in your litterbox and nowhere else." I broke it, and I did it with style! Allow me to outline the situation to you though.

Yesterday when she came home from work she brought a big box in the door with her. I knew it had been there for a while. I heard the postman leave it for us, but as I'm not big enough to reach the door handle, I couldn't open it to let him in. As soon as I'd allowed her to stop cuddling me she went to open it. There were two very, very good things inside it. The first was the biggest bag of food I've ever seen! It was bigger than me! The second was a new toy. It's a track that has a ball in it. no matter how hard I whap the ball, it stays in this track, so I don't lose it under the sofa. It's a really fun thing to play with. For any of you who are interested, tell your peoples to buy the Feline Play Circuit.

While I was playing, she got distracted. She said she had some of the work hunt thing to finish, but all she did was go on the computer. I sneakied out to take another peep at that treasure trove, that absolute mountain of food. Do you know how glorious that amount of food looks when you can see it all at once? When you can smell it? Well, I could've done if there wasn't plastic in the way. "Ah," I thought in total awe and reverence, "The cat Gods surely live at the top of a mountain like this." In the midst of my deep worship of the holy bounty set before me, surely sent from above, I decided something. I wanted it, I wanted it all, and I wanted it now! So I told the human. then I told her again, then some more, then really, really loudly. She took no notice, and got up and started to clean. Clean! I ask you! This made me so, soooo mad. Can you tell? I needed her attention. I needed to make a statement. I needed to lay down the law in this house of mine, to make her give me what I wanted and when I wanted it. I knew there was one sure-fire way to get her attention, but it was not without its risks. Still, I was full of righteous indignation, and with my heart swelling with it I climbed the side of the couch, squatted, and, eyes fixed on the human all the while, I did the do.

Here, friends, is where things take a slight turn for the worse. You know as well as I do that when you're done doing the do, you gotta scratch to bury it. I was on the sofa, so this was a bit more difficult than usual. I scratched with gusto. I wanted to spread the message as thin as possible. Maybe then I could bury it. But you know what? She heard the scratching and she swooped down on me as quick as you like. My human is too clever at times. She's good at catspeak so she knows how to tell me off in the propper way when I've done something she doesn't like. She put the mommacat grab on my scruff, got down so that I couldn't avoid looking at her, then hissed at me long and hard. I, of course, tried my hardest to get away, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I scratched her good. I'm only sorry I didn't manage to put the bitey on her. Yes, I was still filled with that righteous anger and I was gonna make sure she knew about it! I went to town. Claws, teeth, voice, wriggles, all of it! She was gonna get it, and get it good.

I won. She let go of me, but my freedom was short-lived. She chased me and thanks to that confounded, horrid, stinking dirty bell she's put on my neck, she even managed to catch me. Seeing my total unrepentence (well, what do you expect. My word is law!) and remembering how frequently I'd broken this pretend rule lately, she decided that she needed to take action. And you know what she did? She put me in the bathroom. She locked me up! It was terrible! I was in there for a gajillion and ten years without food and water (if you discount the bowls she'd hidden in plain sight... I know your tactics, human,). I had to lie on the cold floor because I just knew she'd have put spikes in the fluffy bed she'd left so cunningly in there. I was cold beyond belief but I knew if I went near the heater which she'd left on that a mysterious people forcefield would trap me there forever and I'd cook in my own yummy juices. So there I sat, huddled, alone, crying my misery at an uncaring, closed door and a seemingly deaf human. It was terrible, awful! Words can't describe the horror of that place!

The human has used this awful technique before when a cat has been stubborn about using the litterbox. She says it works if it's not overused, which she wouldn't do anyway. Overused? I almost died in that desolate, baren, foodless place last night, and she says overused! Apparently if we're in a small space with food, water, bed and box, we'll use it because we won't soil our own bedding or go too near the food bowls. I did use the box, but that's because I was desperate, not because I was caving in and hoping she'd let me out once I was finished. She did let me out, but that was purely incidental.

So there you have it. I've tortured and been tortured on this Tortureshell not Tuesday. I'm so happy to be free, but I was angry enough that I thought about leaving another sign of my discontent straight after she let me out. Then I remembered the prison and thought I'd better wait a bit until she forgets this infraction. It won't take long. They have a pathetic memory, peoples. She cuddled me good last night, which just goes to prove my point. If she was mad at me, she wouldn't have done that.

So now it's your turn. Tuesday will be the launch of my creation, but I thought I should put up a post early to show you all how it's done. See the things I go through for you? I was hissed at, jailed, I almost died just for you! I want extra street cred points for this!