The Human and Millie and Me

Friends, it's a hard life being me, do you know that? This time last year I thought I had it hard, what with wooing all those mancats and keeping up my untouchable reputation, but honestly, I had no idea of how tough life could be! Now, not only do I have to manage a dull-whitted, recalcitrent human, but I have a kitten to contend with who regularly steals my food, my napping spots and, more importantly, my blog! What's a ladycat to do, friends? I've got no idea!

Anyway, life just got a whole lot tougher. You know why? Because that human, that uncaring, unfeeling human, has abandoned us today! She says she had to return to her day hunting, but I think she's secretly disappearing off to have a good time without us. Couldn't she just stay sick and at home if she cared about us? She reminded me as she gave me a big goodbye cuddle this morning that if she didn't go to her day hunting, there'd be none of those silly papers that she keeps in her purse and doesn't let me play with, and without those papers, there would be no cat food, no nice new toys, no more showing myself off at shows, none of it. I suppose she has a point, but I'd never admit that to her face.

But what to do, friends? I'm stuck at home all day now with this crazy kitten, with no decent company. Not that my human classes as decent company. More of a distraction than anything else, but you'll take my point, I trust. There's not even the addition of new stinky goodness in the bowl at lunchtime to break up the monotony of being the only sensible, clear thinking being in the house. Ok, so the human heaped our bowl full for us this morning. Ok, so there's always dry food down, so much that we'd have to eat until we were sick to get through it in a day. But you know what? I like the stinky goodness best when it's fresh. I mostly only lick the gravy off, and gravy isn't half as appealing if it's been in the bowl all day and Millie's been at it. Ok, the human'll give me more stinky goodness as soon as she gets home, but again, you'll take my point, won't you?

In my less guarded moments, I'll admit that my kitten is growing up nicely. She's not as manic as she used to be. She doesn't take every opportunity to attack me when she finds me sleeping. She doesn't stalk my tail all the time any more. In fact, sometimes she's quite fun. She's really good to play chase with all over the house, and we regularly do the wall of death around the sofas in the living room. Well, she does. You know I'm too much of a well mannered ladycat to go hairing around over the top of peoples and on their furniture, but the baby isn't well mannered at all, and she does everything to excess.

The human has been thinking about excess lately. She has found it fascinating to watch the development of Millie and compare her to me. Millie gorges on food. She's effusive in her snuggling. She plays hard, sleeps hard, loves hard. In fact, she does everything to extremes. Her purr, just like her brothers' is mega loud compared to mine. I, on the other hand, never eat too much when I'm not caring for or feeding kittens. I regulate my own weight beautifully, in fact, too well if you ask the human, as she thinks I'm getting too skinny again. I always ask politely before stepping onto a lap, and I never jump directly onto a people. My human wonders how much of this had to do with my upbringing. I was raised in a multi-cat household, in among many other breeding cats. For many years of my life, I lived in not very great conditions. Long term readers of the blog will know about this as we spoke about those conditions whenever the human first got me. I was always with many other cats, having to share food, and even people attention. The human looks at me sometimes and thinks I'm almost apologetic when I ask to do things like have a cuddle. I'll always understand if she's too busy to cuddle me, but because of this, she always makes a special effort to give me more attention, and hardly ever ignores me unless her hands are dirty or she's really, really busy. I don't even purr loudly. Even Dogman has noticed how quiet my purr is in comparison to Millie's. Millie will bounce in and out of cardboard boxes, but I don't really understand the fascination at all. I can't really work out what they're for. They're a box. Nothing special, right? Or is it because, being born and raised in catteries, I never had the chance to see cardboard boxes at an age where I would have investigated and discovered how fun they were?

And toys, there's another one. I didn't really know how to play until I came to live with the human. She had to teach me that it was Ok to catch the dangly toys that she flicked around, but when I discovered what ping pong balls were. Well, that was a glorious day! Did I have toys as a kitten? She doesn't know.

She's a good human, really. She tries to make sure I have lots of chances to explore new experiences that I might not have seen before. If I show an interest in a new toy, she'll help me get over my nervousness of it (I'm always a bit wary of new things), and she'll show me how to play with it and that it's Ok to play. She lets me try lots of different foods, and the only thing she doesn't really compromise on is that she won't feed me the low quality stinky goodness that I love so much because it's only 4% meat. It also gives the kitten a case of the runny bum, so that might have something to do with it. She takes time out of her day to spend with me, and doesn't let the kitten muscle in on that time. In short, she's pretty all right, really.

I'm so pleased that my baby is being given chances and experiences that I may never have had. It's making her a really rounded cat, and when I see the small things that my human does for her, it just reaffirms why I put up with all her idiocy. The kitten took a real fancy to a shoe box when she was a tiny baby. Her and her brothers used to play in it all the time. Now that was months ago, but because the kitten liked the box so much, the human wouldn't throw it out. Even though it was in the way, she just filled it with toys for the babycat instead, and kept it until Saturday. She only got rid of it because it was falling apart and she knew she'd have another shoe box arriving in the post that very day. Now, there's not many peoples that would do that!

My baby has the best of everything, just as she deserves. And I suppose the human's daily abandonment of me is a small price to pay for that, small when you see how confident my little girlcat is. There's nothing quite like snuggling your baby against your tummy (cuz we do snuggle now that she's stopped fighting me) and knowing that you picked the best human you could to give her a super start in life.

Now, before this gets any mushier, I'm gonna go throw up a hairball in one of the human's slippers... That'll teach her for leaving us!

Return!

Friends, my state of abandonment and dreadful neglect has finished! My human is back!






She arrived home yesterday morning to find me in a terrible state. I tell you, I was so, so upset and missing her so much that I was on my back in the middle of the floor with my paws in the air considering giving a full stretch to show off the yummy tummy in all its glory. Dogman was tickling me, so i thought it only polite. I was so upset, so mistreated that when the human walked through the door, I didn't even get up to greet her straight away. I barely had the energy to turn my head to look at her through sleepy eyes. Do you see the abuse I have to put up with? Animal Rights organisations would be horrified!





This lasted for all of about ten seconds though, all until she spoke. I'd been resolute until then. I'd decided to ignore her until she begged me to relent, to make her pay for daring to go away when she did, even though she said she'd gone then so that I could have her with me in the last part of my pregnancy and right up until the babies were born and had left home.





But friends, when she spoke, my resolution disappeared as fast as tuna juice on a hot day when you really, really need a drink. She sat down and I walked to the side of the sofa and started to shout at her. I couldn't contain myself. I shouted and talked and brrped and told her everything that I'd done while I was without her. All this while standing at her feet. She asked me to come up and see her, and I obliged. Oh what bliss followed! I've said before that my human is a good cuddler, but I'll say it again. I smooshed my face on her. I climbed on her. I cuddled right in, then rolled over so that her hands could touch all over my big, baby-filled tummy. She loved it and so did I. We were otgether again.





I didn't leave her for a whole half an hour, but when I did, I decided that I had to get a grip on myself again. With a nonchalance that I pretended, but certainly didn't feel, I turned my back on her, walked to the food bowl, ate enough to choke a horse, then went and sprawled on the floor. This too lasted about ten seconds, cuz she got down there with me, and I just had to roll around on my back and purr and headbut her and generally love on her.





She didn't leave me all yesterday sept when Stupid Dogface came to visit with Dogman's mummypeople. The human and Dogman left me then to go outside and talk to her an dDogface. Dogface had just been to the vet, so the human didn't want her in the house in case she was carrying something with her. As soon as my human stepped outside and closed that door, as soon as I couldn't see her any more, I set up a tremendous yowling. No way was I going to be separated from my girl that soon! It was so bad that even the mummypeople commented on it. In the end, the human opened the door and let me come out a little with them all, but I was still separated from Dogface. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Cuz we have something new!





While the human was away, Dogman and I and his friend were busy! His friend is a builder, and Dogman is a super designer. I am an excelent project manager, and between the three of us, we cooked up something super! I knew the human had been wanting this for a long time and so did Dogman, so while she was away, we ook our chance and built... A screen door! It's super! It's got two layers. The inner one protects against flies and is strong enough to withstand climbing cats and kittens. The outer one is a thinner mesh which prevents midges and mosquitos, but that can't be ripped by us when we climb. The whole thing is on a strong timber frame. It is held shut with a normal handle lock. If that fails, two strong magnets help hold it in place. If they give way, a chain lock will let the door open only so far before it will not go any further. The only thing that could escape is a very tiny kitten, but only after the first two defences have been broken, so basically, they have no chance. It's super for me too, cuz now I can go and sit outside without feeling frightened. You se,e when I'm behind a door, I feel secure, and can watch the birdies with no fear! Isn't that marvellous? All day today, I've been bounding off the human to run and have a look at them when I hear one chattering.





And here, the post will be cut very abruptly short. Phoebe has gone into labour and the human needs to go and help her peoples help her. As we speak she has had four babycats. She has cut the chord on none of them. The mummypeople had to do the first three. The third one was so close that the chord was cut a little too short and bled. Thankfully though, the peoples managed to stop this. When she gave birth to the third, she did nothing for it. She didn't break the sack and it was cold and wasn't moving which is why they cut the chord. That baby is now full of life, but the fourth is still attached to Phoebe. It's so close that they can't cut the chord without injuring the baby, but this one is moving around a little, so isn't in immediate danger. However, it's been half an hour and Phoebe hasn't pushed out the chord or the afterbirth. Babies, when they remain attached for a long time, run the risk of herneas if they move around too much and pul on the chord. Phoebe is getting tired and sleepy and isn't pushing any more, so the human has asked the mummypeople to call for the vet and take them in. I'll write more as soon as I know anything. Please pray hard, friends. Phoebe is only a baby herslef, so it's little wonder that she doesn't know what to do with babycats. They're all gonna need some help to pull through this. Let's hope the vet peoples can sort it all out. Sorry if there are typos in this, but the human won't re-read as she's still talking to the mummypeople to reassure her.

Mommacat Monday

Wow, friends, it's my second mommacat Monday already! Isn't time flying! The human says she wishes it would, so she obviously doesn't feel the same way. Since last we spoke, we've had an eventful few days!






It all started yesterday with a trip to the litterbox. Nothing abnormal about that, I hear you say, but the litterbox is the one not agreeing this time! Friends, to put it very politely, I was in a bad way, and came out of there leaving a stinking liquid mess behind me and with my poor lady bum covered in the stuff! The human found me, or rather, the mess found her when I jumped up on her. I thought if I pretended like nothing had happened, the mess would just go away. I know from experience that I can't clean that off, but was too embarrassed to ask the human for help. Do you know how that makes a girl feel? Very very small, that's how.





As soon as the human found me, she whipped me off to the bathroom to clean me up, but once there, she realised that the baby wipes (they should be marketted as cat bum wipes, cuz they're real good at this!) were in the other room. In the time it took her to get them and come back, something else had happened. A small amount of sticky liquid had dribbled out of me and made my fur very wet. the human went into uber panic. She thought it might have been blood, and if it was, it would mean that I was reabsorbing my babies for some reason. She still doesn't know whether it was or not, but she kept a very close eye, or should I say hand, on me all night long, and I didn't do the same trick twice. It may have just been a bit of left over litterbox stink that I couldn't hold onto when she started to clean, but neither of us are all that sure.





That first clean up was to be one of many, well, four to be precise, but each one was very liquid and incredibly stinky. It smelled just like it did last year when I got real, real sick, so the human spent a sleepless night worrying about me, and cleaning my litterbox before my feet had even touched the floor on the way out! She says you don't leave that stuff hanging around.





Well, all that sickness last year must have taught her something, cuz her clean up of me and the box was so good that this morning was my last bad episode and I haven't shown signs of having another. Two hours after my last one, I threw up a big hairball, so she's wondering if that had something to do with it, although I've never had the runs before when trying to get rid of one of these. The simple fact is that we don't know what caused it. She dosed me with a pro-biotic that breeders like her give to kittens who have the squits (she says that's what you call it when you have runny bum syndrome). She says it's really good not only for clearing squitty bums, but stopping them as well. It's called Fortiflora for anyone else who may need it and it's made by Purina.





I've been tired all day and very quiet. It takes it out of a girl to produce that much poop! The human thought my tummy had changed shape this morning and was convinced that I must have lost a baby or two, but when I did finally start to eat again, I plumped right out. She says she's gonna try and find her stethoscope as she should be able to hear baby heartbeats about now, but she doesn't know where the stethoscope is, so her and Mark are gonna have to hunt for it.





She's been busy ordering stuff for my babies all day. She says she'll make a list of all the things in her kittening kit on a post so that you all can see what kinds of things you need to have at hand. That will fill a post while she's away in cold, cold Alaska. She says she may even do the genetics post then too so that you can all have fun with trying to puzzle out what colour babies I might have! Oh, how about this for an idea? The human and i are thinking of running a competition but we're not sure what everyone else thinks. We'd like you all to guess how many babies I will have. I know the vet peoples said three, but as I told you, that doesn't really mean much at this stage. It would also be fun for peoples to guess how many baby boys and how many girls there would be. To make it really, really interesting, we could get you to guess colours too which would mean you'd have to read and learn about genetics! But this might be too involved for most peoples. What do you all think? Would you enter if you had to guess litter size and sexes? Would you still enter if you had to guess colours as well?





We gotta think about prizes too, and something kitten related to tie in with the competition. Any ideas?





Well, that's it for today as the human says she has to go out for a little while. See? no sooner am I better than she's abandoning me! Heartless human!

Food? What food!

Friends, my human is a cruel, heartless ladypeople, do you know that! She is absolutely awful to me, and I'm sure what she's done this time will kill me!... Or somethin equally as dramatic.




She's messing with my food! Lately, she's given into my desires for only one type of stinky goodness. Problem is that the brand I've chosen is one of those that's low in meat and high in grain, and it's also very expensive. Who cares, I say, as long as I get what i want. But she's not convinced. For months she's tried to insist that I eat stinky goodness that has more meat and less sugar in it, but other than the last few weeks when I've sort of cooperated, I haven't been interested. I blame the last few weeks on the possibility of kittens. It's not my fault if my food tastes change!





The human knows that an expectant mummycat needs to have more wet food available to her so that she can fill up on that, so instead of giving me half a poutch each day, she upped it to a whole one which she gave me at night before she went for her sleepy time. By the time morning came, I'd pretty much finished it, but this is where the problems started. She always leaves boring old dry down for me, cuz she knows that cats should have access to food whenever they want it. Sensible human! She also knows that pregnant mummycats need to fill up whenever the urge takes them. But I wasn't doing that. I loved this stinky goodness so much that I wouldn't eat my dried food at all. Now, this is a problem because we Persians don't really eat much at all, and 70% of stinky goodness is water, so we need to eat a heck of a lot more stinky than dried to get the same nutrition. Because our faces are flatter, we tend to eat less on the whole, which is why the dry food has to be super high calory to keep us looking plump and gorgeous. Problem is, as my babycats grow bigger in my tummy, I will need to eat more and more, up to four times what I'd normally need to keep me looking pretty. The recommended feeding is 2 pouches of this stinky goodness per day, so when my babies are growing, I'll need to eat up to eight in a day to get the same nutrition, and that just isn't possible. I won't have the room in my tummy for that much! Nor will I be able to eat it. It takes me all night and sometimes well into the morning to finish even one pouch, let alone trying to cram eight in in a single day!





My human tried to peak my interest in my dried again by hand-feeding me a bit. I ate like I really wanted it, but when I went to the bowl, there was no stinky goodness there. In an attempt to make her give me more, I stopped eating the dried in the bowl, knowing I could hold out for my stinky goodness which always came at bedtime.





Except last bedtime, it didn't. She went into the kitchen as normal. She opened the cupboard where my stinky goodness is kept, but all she got out was a bottle of water for herself. I shouted at her to remind her it was feeding time, but she didn't listen. She just closed the cupboard, picked me up, put me in front of my dry food bowl and carried on getting ready for bed. Of course, I didn't eat, but followed her into the bedroom instead. I have another bowl of food there too, and when my crying got really loud, she set me in front of this one. Again, I ignored it and kept asking for stinky goodness, and again, she ignored me. "Tia, I need to balance your needs against what you want," she said in an entirely too smug tone for my liking. "When those babies grow, you'll need a concentrated form of nutrition as well as your wet food, and I can't have you getting into the habit that dried isn't a food source, because then you'll not get enough of what you need, and both you and babies will suffer. I was prepared to give you as much wet as you wanted, but only if you ate the dried in between without a fuss." She went on to explain to me that she knew I was hungry and that's why she wasn't feeding me stinky goodness, cuz she knew I'd eat the dried before the night was out. I swore I wouldn't.





When she woke at 0 dark thirty to the sound of my kibble crunching, she was nice enough not to comment, and this morning, we both pretended like it didn't happen. But I've nibbled at my bowl today, so the human is pleased. She says she might split the pouches in half again so that I can't just fil up on wet and will still remember where my dried food is. Then she will give me a little bit morning and evening and make me eat dry in between. What do you think, friends? Isn't she cruel? Please, tell her how horrible she is and maybe she'll change her mind! I want stinky goodness all the time! Double what I usually get is not enough!

May Day! May Day! I Need Help!

Friends, I do indeed need help! I'm in a right state, and it's all because of that human! I'll tell you, but I beg any kitten readers not to read any further. What I am about to discuss is so horrid, so foul that no young cat should have to hear about it. Well, here goes!






The day started normally enough, that is with me attacking the human's feets under the blanket thing and then, just as she got really, really cheesed off, crawling up beside her purring so sweetly that she was helpless and just cuddled me. Victory! But friends, it was not to last for long. Oh, if only I'd known!





As normal, she got up, but here's where the trouble started. Normally in the morning she'll give me a portion of stinky goodness which I turn my nose up at. I do this with all stinky goodness cuz it keeps her buying new varieties to try me on, and means that my diet is nice and varied! Forget the stress it causes her to find something I'll like. I just sneak a few bites when she's not around. Anyway, this morning, she didn't give me it! I did still have dried down, but that's soooooooo booooooooring! I did shout and shout at her, but she just ignored it. Later she told me she'd forgotten to give me stinky goodness. Forgotten? I could have starved! Died of hunger with only an endless supply of dried stuff to sustain me! Honestly, friends, I felt quite faint every time I looked at that empty spot where my stinky goodness dish should have been.





So, I wasn't in the best of moods, but when she went into the hall, I followed her on appropriately shakey legs, and with the right amount of piteous crying. It still didn't soften her. She went to my litterbox room and she started to clean the boxes. I have two now. She says she's trying to change me to a litter that is better for the environment and that is more hygienic. It clumps so that all my pee can be scooped out, but if one of my babies eats it, it isn't harmful. It's not clay based, and the clumps do break down if they get too wet, so any eaten stuff passes right through their tummies. However, she remembers what happened last time when she changed my litter and I peed and peed on her sofa, so she says she's gonna give me the choice. So far I've been using both trays, but I'm slowly going more and more in the new one. in fact, most of my pee and, um, number twos are done in that tray now, but I do use the old one occasionally just to make sure she doesn't take it away!





Anyway, back to my story. So, she started to clean. Where's the problem with that, I hear you say? Well, there's no problem with her cleaning, but there was a huge problem with where she put the stuff she took out! I watched in disbelief as she went into her litterbox room, opened the lid on the bowl of fresh water, broke up my clumps and put them in there! I've told you about this before when I spoke of her disgusting, wasteful litterbox habits, but I was hoping this would stop. I watched her make trip after trip to put my clumps in the water, and with each journey, I got angrier. I got in her way a few times. I even purred at her thinking that if I could distract her by making her cuddle me, she'd not keep fouling perfectly good water. But friends, she wouldn't be put off!





When my trays were clean, she went and pulled a lever on the water bowl. A lot of water came into the bowl and washed my clumps away, and suddenly it was all clean water again. But I still can't come to terms with the waste of water that would have kept my thirst away for weeks! What is it with these peoples? They have no respect for things! They don't share their stinky goodness with us. They ration what we eat, what we poo in, how many fresh water sources we have, and yet, when it comes to their own habits, they are more wasteful than, well, than anything else!





How can I stop her doing this? She may care about the environment, but I care about my water! I need a solution, as none of mine appear to be working! I anxiously await your replies.

Tortureshell Tuesday: The Bitey and Other Things

Well I'll tell you what the other things are first. That blasted human of mine! She missed my blog post yesterday, and that is inexcusable! She tried to give me a reason, but at this point, friends, I'm so sick and tired of listening to them that I just miaowed at her until she stopped talking and started cuddling.




Now then, I'll tell you about my tortureshell first, and then I'll move on to other exciting things. This tortureshell has to do with biting. "But there's nothing wrong with that!" I hear you cry, and I agree with you! But as I mentioned at the start of tortureshelling, it's not something that we think is wrong, but something that the peoples don't like that's worthy of a tortureshell. Take this morning, for instance.





The human was awake in her bed. It was still o dark thirty, but i decided that it was time to play pounce the feet under the blanket. I started in my usual fashion. I jumped, four paws spread, claws out, onto her feet, grabbed them tight and started to roll around. She obligingly wiggled them, then made them run away and back again so that I could catch them. Nothing wrong with that, I hear you say... Not yet.





Then the human decided to try a new game. This one was called catch the hand under the blanket, and boy did I like it! Hands move so much quicker than feets, and they grab you and fight back instead of just letting themselves be caught. Well, we played that for a long time, but eventually I got tired of it and lay back down for a recovery nap. The human gave me her signal that she was finished playing. This is a gentle touch on my side and her talking to me, and I always know that I'm not to grab her too quick when she does this cuz it startles her. Today, I let her do it, and I even let her stroke me, but then she made a fatal error. She attempted to pick me up for a cuddle. This is, again, normal after a play session, and for the most part I enjoy it. But today, well friends, I don't know what came over me! Quick as a wink I flipped over and, without even bothering to grab her with my feet to let her know it was coming, I bit her real hard and real good. I don't know why, but I'd just had enough for the time being, and she should have recognised it despite me giving her no signs to confirm it!





She got real shocked when I did this. She let out a huge yell and jerked her hand back. The quick motion made me tumble off the edge of the bed where I'd been lying, and that yell of surprise and, yes, I admit it, pain, had me hightailing it right underneath. I hid out there for a very, very long time, and didn't come back up again for cuddles. I could tell she was real mad. She's told me before that putting the bitey on peoples is not good and not acceptable, especially on peoples who have broken eyes. Part of me didn't care. I didn't want to be picked up and she should have known it. But the other part of me felt dead sorry for doing it to a human who is nice enough to give me what I want and when I want it. I didn't follow her to her litterbox room like I usually do when she gets up, but when she went into the living room, I came in and demanded that she open the door for me so that I could look out at the birdies through my screen. Because she did what I told her to, I allowed her to pick me up and give me cuddles without biting her even once. I know this makes her feel better, and really, it was only a small sacrifice. It got me a plate of stinky goodness too, so it was worth it!





Friends, as much as I'm all for tortitude, I wouldn't recommend doing this to your peoples. It's no fun afterwards really. the human jokingly asked me this morning if she was creating a bitey monster by helping me trust her enough that I think I can get away with things like this, and that made me feel even worse. Cats aren't sposed to have a conscience. Do any of you know of vets who can help me out with this problem? It's serious, and urgent! I need a consciencectomy!





Now, I promised you other things, so here goes. Today, mom Trish who is the feeder and people to the Katnip Krew
is having a ladygardenectomy, or as she calls it, her lady plumbing removed. Trish, I am sending you huge great smooshy smooshes and lots of get well purrs. If you need a snuggle bud, just let me know. I promise I won't bite you either! Oh and by the way, the last comment you left us about your competition almost made the human cry! Thank you for caring enough to do what you said you would. Oh, while you're with the people vet, would you ask him if he does cat consciencectomies? And does he do human conscience implants? That human doesn't feel nearly guilty enough that I don't have tuna down all the time! Sure, she might have bought me crab sticks yesterday, and sure, I might have totally turned my nose up at them despite her going specially to get them, but crab isn't tuna!





On another note, do you remember the toy exchange I mentioned in my 100th post? Well, one of the parcels has been posted! Isn't it exciting? I know I said I wanted to exchange only toys, but I couldn't help myself from putting a few extra bits in there too. I even included some of my most favourite treats in the whole wide universe! The other participant hasn't gotten back to me yet though, and the human says that we really need to have this parcel posted before we move. If anyone else is interested in a toy exchange, please do let me know. The idea is that by doing this, we each get to see what toys different countries have for their cats. There's lots and lots and lots of good things in this parcel. I can smell the catnip even through the plastic! So, if you're up for swapping gifts, please do get in touch. Random Felines, if you're reading this and still want to play, the human says that you need to get in touch before Friday, as that's when things will be posted. If more than one of you want to take part, the human will use a random picker to choose who gets the super duper parcel! There was a third person who responded way back when I made the post, but I can't remember who that was. Person, if you're still interested, then there's still space for you!





Right, that's all from me today. I need to get some rest before that human comes home and starts doing noisy packing again! A girl needs her beauty sleep, y'know.

Learning to Trust

Trust. Such a tiny word, but such a huge concept, is it not? It comes in so many guises, on so many different levels. There's the basic sort, the sort that tells me that, just like yesterday and the day before and the day before, I'll still have a warm place to lie, and a dry place out of the wind to curl up in and sleep today. Then there's the practical type. I trust that when I shout, my human will provide me food or love, or basically whatever I desire. This one's a little iffy though. Is it trust or certainty? I ask because a lot of training went into her to make sure she obliges whenever I wish it, but then she could change her mind and not give me what I want, so I suppose there's elements of both.




Then comes the trust in the unknown. I trust my human to keep me safe in new situations, and she trusts me to keep her safe from any mousies or stupid dogfaces or any other strange animal that might crop up in these new situations. Last night, for example, although I was a little ascared of all the big noises and the loud trains and the new peoples, I managed to sleep most of the way down on the train cuz I trusted that my human wouldn't let any of them harm me. I knew she'd be on watch while I dozed. My trust wasn't misplaced.





Those types are fairly straightforward, or as straightforward as anything of this nature can be, but they don't take into account the other trust; the hardest type to give, but the most rewarding when it isn't misplaced. This I call the intimate trust. I don't really know how to define it other than the letting down of the last barriers that you hold between yourself and others. For example, when you want a mancat and he gets close enough to do what he needs to, you gotta trust him not to tear your neck open while he's scruffing you. I haven't got there with mancats yet. My trust is hard to earn.





However, I'm starting to get there when it comes to my relationship between me and the human. I've always liked peoples, but in a sort of guarded way. My human doesn't think anyone's ever been cruel to me, but nor does she think I've been handled and cuddled quite as much as I should have been, nor shown that very quiet, patient, unassuming kindness that is the first stepping stone in the long path towards obtaining intimate trust. I say this because, although I snuggle with peoples, I won't do it straight away with strangers. I'm wary of them. Sure, I'll let them pick me up, but I don't really fully relax, and I certainly don't give them head bumpies or anything like that. I'm getting better at this. The human has taught me over time that most peoples, in fact all of them who come to my house, only want to love me and do nice things like give me scritches or chin tickles. There's still a long way to go, but I now feel happy enough to purr if a people is nice and gentle and considerate when they put me on their lap.





But I digress. I was talking about intimacy with the human; not the crasse type, but intimacy of the soul. With her I will snuggle more readily than with anyone else. I don't mind admitting that I feel affection for her. I headbump her. I rub my face on her. I even groom her poor, hairless skin. I also show her my yummy tummy, but I've been quite guarded about doing it. I really love having it tickled, and will lie there for quite some time while she does it, but my paws are always at the ready to grab her if her hand worries me, and I'll often lift my head. True, I've never needed to grab her with anything close to claws, and my head does nuzzle right against her hand, but this latter usually succeeds in pushing her away from my tummy whilst letting me get a good look at what she's doing to make sure I'm in no danger. It's basically my friendly way of telling her I've had enough, that I'm not comfy with any more attention to the yummy tummy, but that I still love her. I tend not to use the claws on her much cuz I know that her eyes are too broke for her to see them coming, so it startles her when I use them.





She got to thinking about Anna the other day. One of her fondest memories is of Anna as a babycat before her personality changed. She used to lie on the human's knee with her tiny paws stretched right out over her head so that the human had full access to her tummy. I've never done it, although I do want to. Sometimes I twitch the front paws up there for a good stretch. It feels so nice with the combination of the stretch and her hands, but I just don't trust her enough to stay like that, or at least, I didn't.





I spoke about removing barriers, the last, most tender ones. Barriers don't just disappear. They drop slowly. Over the last few days, mine have been dropping. It started with the stretch, then I kept the paws up there for slightly longer. I found myself liking her hands running over my taught tummy. Actually, it feels glorious. She didn't pull or tug at me, she didn't do anything nasty. She just stayed nice and quiet and stroked me. I'd had enough pretty quickly and pulled my feet back down to protect myself, but she just carried on stroking, never breaking rhythm. It was soothing, comforting, safe. Tentatively, the paws went back up again. I kept them on her arm rather than having them all the way up, but she didn't push for me to give her more. She just worked with what she had.





This is the characteristic of my human that makes me trust her more each day. She never pushes. Sure, she tells me off if I use my claws and teeth, sure, she makes me let her brush my yummy tummy whether I want it or not, but never does she take me beyond my limits. She's always ready to give reassurance, to stop the activity that i'm struggling with to give me a cuddle and time to calm down again and realise everything's Ok, and it's this that makes the intimate trust grow and flower in me. When I came to her, I hated having her touch my eyes to clean them. I had really bad eyes. They weren't cleaned often enough and they hurt. With gentleness and patience, she taught me that pain doesn't come from her cleaning, and now I actually let her pick the crusties out with her fingers, and I purr all the while cuz I know that my eyes will feel cleaner once they're gone.





I have a thing about my head. I don't like peoples hands coming too near it unless they're slow, and I don't snuggle it down even against the human. Sure, I like it when she scratches the top, but I don't like to lay it on anything except a bed or my paws. The human has been working to show me that it's not frightening or bad if I lie my head on her, but I just couldn't get over the worry. Until this morning.





Today, just as she was getting dressed, I climbed up on the bed beside her and asked for a cuddle. She obliged of course. I started in my usual crouch, but soon flopped to my side where I curled up. Then I flipped to my back and, a little uncertainly, put my paws up a little bit, inviting her to touch the tummy. Surprisingly, when she did it, I still liked it. Her other hand lay beside me on the bed, and I got to thinking. Last night when I was worried, I trusted her. Could I do it today? Deciding to be brave, I rolled over very slowly. My feet were towards her now, and my paws were still up. She had an exposed view of the yummy tummy, and I was relaxed. As she carried on tickling, I very gingerly snuggled a bit closer. This brought my head in line with her hand. I had a problem. I wanted more tummy time, but if I laid my head on the flat bed, I'd have to move. Slowly, very slowly, I lowered it to rest on her hand, but kept my neck real tense so that I could spring it away again if something bad happened. But it didn't. In fact, nothing happened. her hand stayed where it was, and the tummy stroking continued.





I didn't stay like that for very long, but the human says that those few moments were the most precious of her day. I don't know if I'll repeat the exercise, but, like it or not, I'm learning to trust. I can't say that it's all that bad. All it seems to do is bring nice things. I feel closer to the human every day. It's special. It's a communion on a deeper level than either of us have ever experienced before. Putting your head in someone's hand doesn't sound like a big breakthrough, but for us, it's another few stepping stones on the path to true unity.

Human Vs Cat

Friends, I feel the need to begin this post with an apology. As you are no doubt aware, i normally attempt to stay pretty philosophical and even tempered and toleratn (and all the rest of that jazz) over my human's various stupidities and lacks and general shortcomings. I have frequently said that they aren't her fault, that I mustn't judge her harshly because she has a small brain and does the best she can, that I need to remember to cut her some slack. But this morning, she did something so ridiculous that I didn't even have the capacity to be truly mad at her. I ended up laughing, which really isn't a kind thing to do, bearing in mind that, with her capacity, she's making the best that she can. That being said, what she did do, as well as displaying ape-like intelligence, is give me food for thought, and I don't mean the stinky goodness kind. Allow me to elaborate.




As I mentioned yesterday, the human has started this ritual, a very pleasant one actually, of sprinkling some yummy treats on my new blanket before she leaves for the work hunt. This has met with nothing but favour on my part, for why complain about free food, and nice food at that. Now, my motto is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, but in my eight months of training, I haven't managed to get that across to the human yet. Accordingly, she decided to fix it.





When I want something badly from her, or when I simply want a snuggle when she's come in from work and decides to head straight to the litterbox room instead of to my sofa for cuddle time, I will follow her, then, when she stays still, put my two front paws up on her knee and wait. I know this melts her insides to mushies which is why I do it, cuz she can't refuse me anything after that. Regardless of whether she's on that litterbox or not, I get my own way! The human decided she wanted to encourage me to do it more, although in a, by her standards, more appropriate place and at a more appropriate time. I've mentioned my background to you previously, so you'll understand it when I say that, when I've done it, I've been a little timid about it. It was a new thing for me. In order to minimise the timidity, the human formulated a plan.





This morning, instead of simply giving me the treats, she crouched on the floor and held one in her hand just above her leg. Because she was crouched, the leg provided a flat platform kind of thing, but still, I wasn't going to climb for a treat. I waited. I've done this before, and I always manage to wait her out. It semi worked this time, cuz she lowered her hand down to me, but kept it close to her knee, so that I had to come forward a few steps to get the morsel. Oh, and how good it was! She picked up another one, and this time, her hand went a little higher so that I had to stand right up on my tippy-toes and push in against her knee to get it. The third one went right back above her leg. I wasn't jumping. I've told you, I don't work for treats. I waited, but nothing happened other than that she started to coo at me to come up. I ignored her, and instead turned my attention to the box of treats open on the floor. But friends, I hadn't even got my nose into it before she whisked that away to the heights too! I still wasn't worried at this point. I could still wait her out.





Except that I couldn't. For an eternity that lasted a full minute, my nose twitched and the treat called. So did the human. Eventually, I hopped up with my two front paws on her knee really quickly, grabbed the treat and jumped back down again. Oh, it was so good! She picked up another one, and again I waited, and again she waited, and another eternity of thirty seconds passed! Do you know how hungry and near to starvation you can get in thirty seconds? I was seeing pink mousies and everything! But the call of the treat was too strong, and up I hopped.





Ten treats later, and the human was having to tell me to get off so that she could teach me to put my paws on her for a treat. This was fun. Without knowing it (and that pains me to admit), I'd trained her to give me treats on demand, and all I had to do was put my two front paws on her leg. how simple! As she stood up from giving me the final food, she said in a self-satisfied voice, "Well, that was a good first training session." Well, it's unlike her to admit I'm training her, so I was surprised but gratified, that is, until she continued. "I'm really making headway with her." um, what? Lady, you ain't making nothing with me sept more treat time!





The concept that the human thinks she's training me when I'm actually training her is so ridiculous that, even now when I think of it hours later, I am forced to shake my head in amazement, then wipe a grin off my furry face at the very idea. Humans are so simple, bless them.





We had a repeat of the training session when she came home from the work hunt, and again she mentioned that she was doing well. In the midst of my laughter though, I began to think. To think really about reciprocal cause and effect. I put my paws on her leg because I know she likes it and that will subsequently generate a treat, so, in essence, I put my paws on her leg because I like the treats. She, on the other hand, gives me a treat because she wants my paws on her leg because she likes the feeling. So, in essence, she provides the treat in return for something she likes. What that boils down to is this. I give her something she likes in return for something I like and vice versa.





Training is all about cause and effect, in essence, you do something to get something, or you do something to receive pleasure. Even stupid Dogfaces understand this concept, so it's in-arguable really. Now, if you apply that definition to the last paragraph of what I said, well, friends, it provides a frankly terrifying conclusion. We are training each other, and what's worse, we are doing it in a mutually pleasant, mutually beneficial way.





The thought of the human having influence over me is very unsettling, and yet, that then begs another question. Should it be brought to a brutal end? Should I cease doing what she wants in order to get what I want? I tried that today, namely the waiting game, and it didn't work. So in essence, do I deprive myself of a good thing just so that I can be content that I am not being trained? There hardly seems any point. This exercise provides benefit, not hardship, whereas to refuse to participate gets me nothing but terrible deprivation. And still there is the looming, and even larger question to be answered. If I allow myself to be trained in this way, will I do so with other things? Will the human be resourceful enough to always provide me with a benefit for doing what she wants, and more importantly, will I feel that this benefit is one I do not wish to go without?





I have no answers. I need help.

Happy New Year!

I really do wish you all a happy new year, and I hope that it brings you nothing but happiness, sun puddles, stinky goodness, cuddling on demand and all the ping pong balls your heart could desire! My human made a good start on my new year. She came home as she should have done on Thursday. She was very tired when she got here, but then I guess I'd be tired too if I'd been swallowed by a bird, digested for an hour, flown across a lot of wet stuff very high in the air, then regurgitated on the other side, stuffed on a train then on a bus, then finally dumped at home. That's quite a lot for one poor human to go through! She managed though.




When she got here, I pretended like I hadn't missed her at all, even though I had. Dogman was here, you see, and I couldn't have him thinking that I'd gone soft and that I actually could be swayed by emotion. Once the peoples learn that, they have you over a barrel, so I'm always careful to keep 'em guessing. I ignored her until she came to cuddle me on my special chair that I've claimed as my own. It's right near the warm heater, and Dogman doesn't even dare sit on it any more. When she came, I purred for her, but didn't do much else. I was planning to hold out until Dogman disappeared so as I could show my human how I really felt, but after five minutes, I could stand it no longer. I don't think the human could either. I jumped down off my chair and walked casually towards my room, you know, the one I told you about which is just mine? I kept looking back at the human, asking her to follow me with my eyes. I'd been able to train Dogman to do this over the last week. Even though his eyes are broke, they're not as broke as the human's, so he can see what I'm up to. When the human didn't come, I remembered, and started to talk to her instead. She's a good human. She came when I did that. I kept stopping often to let her get nice and close before I took a few more steps and called to her again. I took her right into my room like this, and behind the door where Dogman couldn't see. then I waited till she sat on the floor. When she did this, I walked all over the room, calling to her now and again so that she could hear where I was and how big the room was. I showed her where my foods were, where my water was and where the box was. Then I came back and made a huge fuss of her for being such a good human and doing what I told her. I might have gotten a little carried away with the head rubbing so that I actually lost my balance and fell over on my back, but I'm not saying nothing.





A very, very long time later, I let her leave the room, but once my big fuss was done, I came and sat with her on the sofa. I climbed up on her chest for a propper cuddle. It's good up there, cuz it means she has to put her arms up to hold me and I can snuggle right down and feel real, real cosy.





After a while, she went back to the suitcase, and I got a bit worried. Was she going away again so soon? She'd only just come back! I watched her anxiously for a while, but all she did was pull a funny looking small soft thing from the case. She pulled it from its packaging, then opened a small tub. Well, that got my attention right away! The smell of potent new catnip was unmistakable. She put the catnip into the soft thing, and when I looked again, I could see it was a little chicken! I was so excited that I started to play with it even before she'd finished filling it. She made me wait cuz I was scratching her hands in my excitement. I was kinda sorry about that, cuz it was nice of her to bring me a toy back, but I was just too excited to wait! When she finally let me have it, I killed that chicken good! She made Dogman take pictures and videos. We'll get the videos up as soon as we can, and whenever we have them, we'll get someone else to post the pictures. Keep checking back! There's even a photo of me standing over it and holding it down after I'd killed it. You will be able to see what a brave ladycat I was to do that! That chicken is fierce, you know, but I showed it who was boss.





The human and Dogman went to Dogman's brother's house for dinner the same day she came back. I was a bit put out. How dare she leave me alone so soon! Yesterday night they went out too. They said it was new year and that they were going to Dogman's mummypeople's house. I asked them to take Dogface with them to get her out of my fur, but they wouldn't listen, so I had to put up with her hogging the TV. She lies right in front of it! That means I can't get close enough to bat the screen, so it annoys me.





This morning though, tragedy struck. Dogface got a poopy bum again, real, real bad. But that's not the tragedy. Well, it is for the human, but there's worse to come from me! As soon as Dogface went and showed the human her runny bum in the garden, the human came in, and friends, she stole my chicken and put it in her pocket! What's more, when I climbed up on her to retrieve it, she not only prevented me from getting it, but put me in my room and closed the door! her reasoning is this: Dogface had stolen my chicken a few times, so it had been in her mouth. If this is a recurrance of the bug, I can't be allowed to chew on the same chicken Dogface has slobbered all over. She says I can have it back, but not before she's dipped it in something called coloidal silver. It's stuff that's sposed to kill all bacteria. But friends, she's locked me up! She says that Dogface has never been in my room thanks to the baby gate, and, of course, my ferocious defending of my territory. So if she has the bug, the only place that's guaranteed to be free of it is in my room. There I must stay, but I tell you something, I'm not happy about it! It might be much bigger than a PTU, but a prison is a prison, no matter which way you dress it up. Sure, I have a comfy massage table to lie on, and carpets so soft that your paws sink right into them until you can hardly see your claws, and she did give me almost a half a tin of tuna with the reasoning that I'd eat my fill and then sleep most of the day and be less distressed, but it's just not the same. I need to leave my mark on this place, and on stupid Dogface, before I leave tomorrow.





And that's another thing. Tomorrow. I have a three and a half hour stint in the horrible PTU in the horrible car tomorrow to get back home. The thought of it fills me with dread. I don't like being stuck in them for that long, specially not when I need to go to the toilet like I did last time. It's frankly less than comfortable! But endure it I must, apparently. I'm gonna make them pay for it. I'm gonna sing all the way!





Thanks so much to everyone who came to visit me on my 100th post. It was lovely to see you all! I'm also really flattered that three of you wanted to do a gift exchange with me! If there had been lots, my human was going to pick one at random, but as there's so few, we might just exchange with you all! One thing though. Admiral, I'm sorry to have to do this, but my human's being a dreadful bore. She knows you're sick at the moment, and is terrified of introducing another bug to our household. She knows your people wouldn't send anything intentionally, but she's so scared of me getting sick again that she asks if we could wait a while before exchanging gifts with you. I tried to tell her that you'd ensure mr bug didn't smuggle aboard, but she's a worry wart as you know. Do you mind terribly? To Amy and the Random Felines, thanks so much for agreeing to exchange with me! Is there anything in particular you like when it comes to toys? My human was hoping to get to the toy pet shop while she was staying with Dogman, but she hasn't managed to yet, so she will probly end up ordering everything off the internet instead. This means it might take her a week or two before she can send. Is this all right? could you drop us an email with your postal addresses and how many cats you share your house with? thank you so much! The human says you can write to the address in her profile, but she doesn't want to put it here to make it easy for spammers. If you have any trouble, just let us know.





We also hit our 1000th visitor over the new year too! So not only have we had 100 posts, but we've had ten times as many visitors! I'm so shocked that so many peoples and cats read what I have to say! Oh, everything's so exciting today! Sept the fact that I'm stuck in my prison. Does anyone have any escape plans which have a guaranteed success? My human has only came in to cuddle me three times in the last hour. it's not enough! I'm dying of loneliness here! my tuna is all done too, and I'm dying of starvation! It's just too much to bear! Heeeeeeelp!

Almost a Century!

Isn't that old? I think so. That's almost the age of my human. Ah, ignore the indignant noise she's making. Truth hurts! Seriously though, we are almost a century of sorts. Tomorrow will be our 100th post! isn't that crazy! Seems only like yesterday that I started blogging to you all, and now, here we are. I do plan to celebrate my nice round number of posts in two ways, but I'll talk to you all about that tomorrow, or whenever I make the big post.


Today, I don't really have much to report. I've been snoopervising Dogman and keeping Dogface in her place. I'm a bit worried about her, actually. I mean, what's going to happen when I leave? I'm not being condescending or anything, but Dogface's brain is so small that I fear she'll forget that place as soon as I hightail my furry little butt out the door. What's to be done about it? I feel for her, and want her to be able to remember her place in the world, but I also have a human to keep under the paw, and I can't do that whilst snoopervising Dogface in her new home. My responsibility has to end somewhere, but it's hard to just let go when you've owned something as long as I have. I mean, you might think that seven months isn't a terribly long time, but it is when you've spent most of it in training them. They've come a long way, the Dogface and the human. Dogface has learned to wait while I drink her water, and to jump off her bed as though someone had lit a fire under her tail if I show even the slightest inclination that I wish to lie there. I never do, by the way. I just stroll across it, then go do something else. I mean, why would I want to lie in Dogface smell!


As for the human, she's learned that a lap is for lying in, and should remain still and available at all times when I require it. She's learned to feed me stinky goodness on a daily basis, and has all but given up on feeding me silly things like people chicken. no matter how good it smells, I ain't touching it! She's not perfect, but they're both so much better than they were. So, you see, it's hard to stop feeling responsible for them when I've been working hard for the last few months and especially because I've been seeing results. I've started Dogman's lessons too, and he's picking up a few things. He's an abysmally slow study though. I mean, he hasn't even learned that a miaow means "scratch me now! No matter what you're doing!" That's fundamental. Ah well. I suppose the human was this slow once.


We're also super glad to report that our Secret Paws package has arrived! We can now reveal that our partner was Ginger Jasper! So sorry that we can't put a link, but the human can't visit the blog to get one. Every time she tries, the little man in the laptop box has a super grump and goes very quiet and won't say a word. he gets so mad that he won't even let the human close the blog window. So he won't read and he wont' close it. The human says this is what happens when the computer freezes. She says it's very frustrating, and I agree! We've seen Jasper's post on the Secret Paws blog, but I want to see what he wrote on his own one! Silly computer man, stop being mad! Anyway, we're so glad you like what we sent you, Jasper, and it's so super cool that we live near each other! If you ever need to hang out with a refined ladycat, you just let me know, Ok? This makes me even more excited to see what is in my own Secret Paws gift. I can't wait to get back and open it!


We also wanted to say a huge thank you to those of you who regularly comment on the blog, despite the fact that the human rarely gets to visit you. It means a lot that you keep coming back day after day after day in spite of the fact that we don't always leave messages on your blogs. I can't tell you what a happy feeling it brings to us to see what you all have to say. There really aren't words. Know that they mean perhaps more than you realise. Head bumps to you all!


The human has had an interesting time with her family. She's enjoying seeing them all, but she says that she misses her own home now and wants to get back. She's a fickle old thing, my human, cuz when she does get back, I know she's going to say that she misses the family and wishes she could be at home again. She's loving all the time with the young peoplekittens though. They've been extra special cuddly with her this time. One of the older ones who doesn't usually cuddle at all "because big boys don't snuggle, silly!" spent most of Christmas on her knee with his cheek against hers while they watched TV. The little peoplekitten that said she wouldn't open any gifts till the human got here kisses her every time she sees her, and her little brother was so desperate to sit on the human that he sat on top of his sister who was sitting on top of the human. It was a pile up! I can understand the desire though. If my human gets one thing right it's how to cuddle. She's just warm and squishy and soft and snuggly in all the right places. Those peoplekittens obviously have good sense! She even managed to get a couple of minutes of tentative purring out of Phoebe, but hasn't managed to replicate it again yet.


Speaking of that baby, she says hi to Gus and Stella, Amy's kittens. She wants to know if they can come play with her and show her how to climb the tree. I'm in the process of explaining about distances to her and how far they are away from her, but she's still young and doesn't get it at all. Santa Paws didn't bring her anything new for christmas, but the human kind of understands why now. She brought her a toy when she saw her yesterday (one of my mousies actually, that I sneakied into her suitcase to keep her company in Ireland and watch over her clothes and things), but as soon as he went on the floor, Pepper stole him! She defended him vigorously, so poor Phoebe didn't have a chance. The peoplekittens say the same thing happens with treats, and they're silly enough to refuse to lock the dog out while the poor baby gets her presents. Oh well. I guess lots of cats don't have many toys and cope just fine. Not me though, nuh uh! I have need of a Kazba Kitten parcel and a Secret Paws gift. Roll on homecoming!

Guest Post: Christmas Kitten

Hi, hi, hi! Hi! Can you hear me? Huh? I don't know if you can, but the big noisy thing that calls itself the human says you can, so I'm excited enough that I'm gonna talk even if you can't. This is soooooooo neat that I can talk to other cats! Are some of you kittens, hmmm?? I'm a kitten and I'm called Phoebe and I live with more of the big noisy things that pick me up and cuddle me and feed me and play with me and walk at me so as I have to run away super fast so that their big paws don't step on me. Some of you other kittens might be ascared of them, but I'm not cuz I'm super brave. i do run away but that's just so that they won't step on me rather than because I'm afraid. I'm black and white, and I'm a big girl now! So big that I can even whap the little noisy yappy thing the big things call a Pepper or a dog or a "be quiet, you" depending on what kind of mood they're in. She's jealous of me and she bites me cuz even though she's small, I was smaller than her for a long time cuz I'm still only a baby kitten really, but now I'm big enough that I can smack her with my paws and she sometimes runs away. I did it today when she tryed to eat my food.




Today was a special day for the big noisy things. They call it Christmas. I call it a good idea. Why? Because there was a big bird thing that they left on the table and I got to eat it. Least, I tried to, but the big noisy thing that the smaller ones call mummy kept pushing me off when I tried. The third time, she even smacked my poor nose! I kept trying though.





Christmas is a scary time. it's when lots of the big noisy things come together and make a lot of noise to each other and they also bring boxes with them covered in paper. that makes noise too when they tear it off. I wasn't sure what to make of it all. I spent my time by either hiding out under one of the kitchen chairs or running around like crazy attacking everything that I laid eyes on! It was fun! Scary, but fun.





Then the big noisy thing that calls itself a human came. She arrived with two other big noisy things, one of whom I think you folks know as the HGG, and the other who is a family friend. They had all come to eat the bird and lots of other things, but they weren't interesting for cats, so I don't member what they were. Sorry, but I'm still small so my memory isn't too good yet. Sorry. The human called the mummy noisy thing her auntie, and the small noisy things her cousins, but I don't know what this means. Anyway, when she sat down, I ignored her totally, but it wasn't long before she scooped me up. I didn't know what she wanted. The noisy things I live with are very noisy, and they never sit still for long, so I'm not used to having lots of lap time sept in the evenings, so I didn't sit with her long. In fact, when she was tickling me, I even bited her... Hard. She told me off the first time, but I didn't listen. Even I know that big noisy things are silly enough that I can get away with biting them, cuz they think it is only a game, so I did it again. Then I got the shock of my life. It did something that I didn't know noisy things knew how to do! It put the mammacat grab on my neck and cuffed me! It didn't hurt, but I was so surprised that I bited it again, just to make sure I'd actually really seen that it knew how to do this. It did it again! I couldn't believe it! It was exactly how my mummycat used to tell me she'd had enough, so I didn't bite the human any more. I got quietly down off her lap with good manners instead of biting my way free, then runned away and bited shoe laces instead. They didn't scruff me or cuff me, so I decided they'd be more fun to bite instead.





The big noisy things got quiet for a while after that while they ate the bird. Then they all sat back and rubbed their tummies and said they'd eaten too much. I was glad to hear it. Means there would be some left for me! But they wouldn't give me any! I was so cross that I stayed in the kitchen when they all went into the living room. I'll admit that part of me wanted to watch the bird to make sure there was none that would suddenly appear for me, but it never did.





While I was sleeping on the chair though, the big noisy human came out and picked me up. I remembered what had happened earlier and went nice and still in her hands as a kitten should when it is picked up by a mummycat, but she sat down with me and tickled and cuddled and scratched me. She did this when there was no other big noisy things around, and this was so strange for me that I actually let her snuggle me. It was kinda strange but kinda good at the same time. I thinked I liked it, so even though I runned away, I let her pick me up again when another few noisy things were there. I even purred for her and rubbed her hand with my face. But I didn't stay long. I'm just not sure about cuddling yet, sept when I am tired and want to go for sleepies on a warm big noisy thing. Then they're Ok.





While I was cuddling with the human, I sensed she was a little sad, but as I don't know her all that well, I didn't ask about it. I'm not sure I care either. I know that sounds rude, but really, I don't know her. All I know is that she had a bit of a rough Christmas. It ended better than it started, but it wasn't an easy day at all for her. I thought about licking her when I heard this, but just sniffed the ham smell on her fingers instead. Hope that was enough comfort. Then I runned away and fighted with the Pepper dog thing, just for fun.





So that was my day and it was long and it was exciting and it was scary and I think I like the human noisy big thing but I'm not sure, and I think I like cuddles but I'm not sure either, and I am surprised that the human knows the mummycat grab and I don't think I will bite her any more cuz it's not fun to bite her. Now I want some birdy. I'm gonna crawl on the table again and see if I can find any even though I know I'm not sposed to and I might make the big noisy things make a lot of noise (they call it shouting) cuz I'm up there. It's fun tormenting big noisy things!

Reprieve?

Perhaps so, and perhaps not. For one thing, I didn't have to stay with the horrible vet for a whole day. I went and they had a look at me and kept me for a few hours, but then they said I could come home. They let stupid dogface come home too, cuz apparently her poopoo is normal now. Why do they focus so much on poopoo! Don't they realise how disgusting they are?

The human went to her vet again yesterday, and got very, very angry. Even though she was dizzy enough that she was struggling to stand, so dehydrated that her tongue was sticking to her mouth and hadn't managed to eat in over 24 hours, her vet wouldn't do anything for her. They were very, very rude to her too. She says she won't go into all the details here because it makes her too angry, but to sum it all up in a few sentences, her vet said, "You're young. You're fit. You can fight it. Just go home." She advised the human to go to a chemist and buy electrolites, ludicrous when she's so dizzy she can't stay on her feet, and when she doesn't have stupid dogface to help her find the chemist. The vet doctor didn't care. She made them take a poo sample for testing (more poo!), and they grudgingly sent it off. We'll know in five days from now what her results are.

So she came home, made up a bed on the sofa, dragged herself to get me and stupid dogface, then came home and slept almost straight away. I cuddled up on her. Even though I felt a bit ill myself, I climbed up on her and curled up right on her chest. She was too cold and I was too warm,so I figured a heat exchange was the way to go! Next thing we knew, it was time for the real bed.

The human managed to get some water down her last night, and after two days of not eating, a little bit of a sandwich this morning. I was glad of that. I don't like her not eating. It's worrying.

I have decided that I don't much care for being sick. So, let me give a message to Mr Bug.

Dear Mr Bug,
Whilst we didn't invite you, it was very nice of you to drop by. I hope you have had a good time at our house and the vet peoples house too. As rude as it is to say though, I'm afraid that we must part ways. Myself, the human and even stupid Dogface have other engagements which means that we can no longer play host to you. I would invite you back, but as you've already seen all we have to offer over an extended dperiod, your stay may well be more enjoyable elsewhere. I hear the other side of the universe is nice this time of year. Safe trip.
Yours,
Tia

I hope Mr Bug is polite enough to listen. Between you and me, I really am quite sick of his company now... No pun intended!

So far, I'm hot, but I haven't done any of the bad poopoos and I am keeping myself hydrated, or so the human thinks. Dogface is normal and the human will get there. She needs help, but as none is likely to come, she's just going to have to carry on trying. Eating and cleaning the bug out of the house are going to be the things she finds hardest. She just doesn't have the energy to cook. I'll help her by lying on her and snuggling and purring. If this makes her not want to get up even more, that's not my fault!

Tortureshell Tuesday: Drowning the Noise

Oh, oh, oh, it's that time again, oh yes it is! My favourite day of the week! I have a confession to make though. I haven't actually managed to do anything worthy of a naughty tortie this week. Before you all expire with shock, let me tell you that I had a reason! I wasn't here for most of the week, seeing as I was off pretending to seduce mancats. I have a busy life, you know. I suppose you could say that my not letting my man friend get up close and personal was a tortureshell, or the fact that I am now insisting on sleeping by the human's face, but I dunno. They're not up to the usual standards. Allow me, therefore, to tell you about a spectacular one I've been saving for just the right moment.

It was warm. It was dark. It was cosy. It was also noisy, and I was trying to sleep! We were in bed, the human and I, and it was at what my good friend Herman
calls O Dark Thirty . I'd woken her up for a tummy tickle, and because she couldn't get back to sleep, she put her book on. Well, she says it's a book, but I never see any paper or anything that looks remotely like one. Given that her eyes are too broke to read, she listens to a person making talk noise from funny things she calls speakers. The talk noise is generated by her iPod, a little square, hard, shiny black box. I don't know how it makes the talk noise because when I put my ear to it, I can't hear any little peoples inside reading, and yet, voices come from the speakers. The human says it travels up the connection cable, but again, she's just showing her lack of a brain. Even I know that's too small for a people to crawl along as they're reading.

Anyway, I digress. As I said, I was trying to sleep. I was done with my tummy tickles, and wanted some shut-eye. But the stupid iPod man wouldn't shut up! I thwapped him where she had him hidden under the covers, but he pretended he didn't even notice! I shouted at the human, but she just grunted, "You've had enough of my sleep time. Lie down and be quiet, for goodness sake. I have work in the morning!" Her sleep time? What about mine!

I got crosser and crosser and wondered what I could do. How could you shut a thing up that you couldn't even see? But then, I did see it, the long, tantalising connection cable sticking out from the covers. And it got even better. Right below it was my bowl of water.

Now, you all know that when you're hunting, one of the best ways to kill your catch is to drown it. It has the added bonus of cleaning it before you eat, I suppose, but it is very effective at stopping it making noise. Here was the perfect set-up. I knew the human wouldn't be pleased at all, but she had it coming to her. It was her that made the iPod man make noise after all, and it was her that wouldn't shut him up. I had to take matters into my own paws.

Slowly, stealthily, I stalked closer to the cable. The stupid thing didn't even try and run away. It didn't know what was coming. With a wiggle of the bum and a flick of the tail I sprang, pounced and dragged that offending cable, iPod man and all, off the bed. It came slithering out from under the covers, and with a bit of guidance from me, created a super splash-down landing right where I wanted it to, in the bowl of water. There were a few bubbles, and then the talk noise stopped. I stood guard over the bowl, watching for any sign of movement or a recommencing of the talk, but there was nothing. It was dead. I had won.

The human didn't seem to think so though. I've never seen her move so quick! With a shriek, she bounded out of bed and launched herself for the iPod. Dragging my kill away from me, she shook it vigorously. Perhaps, I thought as I watched her with a certain glint of maternal pride in my eye, I've taught her something after all. Shaking a kill is a good way to make sure it's really finished off. But alas, she was only doing it to get as much water out as possible. Then she ran away and left me! No joke! She went to the living room and got out the horrible blow dryer that she uses on my fur after a bath. She put it on the iPod man, and I began to wonder. When I've had a bath, I get really cold because I'm wet. The human puts the blow dryer on my fur and it makes me feel warm and dry again. It leaves me feeling much better, actually. She couldn't be trying to revive the iPod man, surely! She wouldn't do that to me!

But, friends, I am terribly saddened and disappointed to say that she would, and did. She dried him for a long time, then left him beside a heater to finish the job. That night, mr iPod man rejoined us in bed. I considered a repeat performance, but to my further disgust, the human had moved the water bowl to what she calls a "safer location".

So there you have it. I'm getting so good at this that I even broke a rule the human hadn't thought to make yet! She's done it now though, but I don't care. If I've already broken it, it, like every other rule around here, doesn't exist. I'm watching for that iPod man though. He must be really small to be able to fit in the box, which means that when he comes out for a rest, I'm gonna catch him and put an end to his silly talk noise making forever! Are they hard to catch, friends? Do any of you have experience with them? What's the best method of hunting? Is it the stalk, pounce combo, the quick chase and grab, or the good old-fashioned toy with prey and then eat? I just can't make up my mind.

Tortureshell Tuesday

Happy days are here again! This is my favourite day of the week, you know that? I try my hardest to be bad, bad, bad, and if the human's reactions are anything to go by, I succeed!

First thing's first though. I know you're all desperate to know whether I survived through yesterday. I'm going to keep you all in suspense a bit longer... I'm not telling yu until at least the end of the next paragraph, so there!

It was very touch and go. That light at the end of the tunnel I was talking about made me feel all warm and sleepy. I fought hard to keep my eyes open, to move away from the light, but when sun is shining on your fur and you're tucked in a comfy sprawl on a very soft sofa that smells of the nice human that makes you feel good, what are you supposed to do? I did try, but the next thing I knew, I was waking up.

Oh, my belly! It was growling and grumbling and girgling like you wouldn't believe. It frightened me. Was there a monster in there trying to get out? Was it hungry enough that it would eat me? Terrified by this notion, I got up and started to hunt for food. If I could only feed it, it might leave me alone.

I walked to the place where the food usually is, but nothing. I tried to jump on the desk which is where she puts it at night, but I couldn't get there because her typing thing was in the way. When I jump on that, the little squares give under my feet and I don't like it. I went to the food mountain bag in the hall, but she had it all wrapped up tight. I went into the kitchen to see if there was even any of that horrible chicken on the floor. Do you see how desperate I was at this point? Little kibbles were swimming in my vision and everything! Even the chicken was better than nothing!

It is here that Tortureshell Tuesday starts. The human has this rule, yes, I know, another one. She's really, really, really big on this one though, so much so that she really busts me if I break it. The rule is that no cat or dog is allowed on the worktops in the kitchen. I think this is hipocritical. She makes food up there. she sometimes even picks stuff up to eat from there once it's made and on a plate. I'm usually religious about not testing her on this rule because I don't like it when she chases me out of the kitchen, but I was starving. I could see my own bones and that monster was growling even more than before. I couldn't risk being eaten. I had to try.

I lined myself up, took a deep breath and jumped. Several things happened at once then. First of all, my paws landed on something shiny. Then the shiny thing jumped up, hit me on the nose and dumped me back on the floor. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then chased me down and landed with an enormous bang on the floor. I'm usually quite brave, but this was just too much for me. I turned tail and fled, hoping that the baby gate designed to keep the kitchen safe from stupid Dogface would also keep the shiny monster behind. Luckily, it did.

I went back a little later for a sneaky look and saw a big plate lying innocently on the floor. It wasn't moving, but I wasn't taking any chances. I'd seen what it did to me, and I knew that it was just waiting for me to get close enough so that it could jump up and whap me again. I didn't know plates could do that, but I guess the human has employed them as guardians of the worktop when she's not around. I'm not sure I'll break that rule again.

There was torture in store for me too though. On that plate there had been a bread crust, and oh how I wanted it. It was on the floor right by the plate and it was staring at me and calling me, but the plate was in the way! i can't describe the agony this caused me, but I knew I daren't get it. I left and went back to the light in the tunnel.

When my human came home, I told her all about what had happened to me and how hungry I was, but she only said, "wow, you're talking a lot today, aren't you?" She did give me food though. I tried hard to keep her out of the kitchen, to keep her safe from the plate, but as usual, she didn't listen. She almost stood on it, but kicked it instead. Then, to my astonishment, she reached down and picked it up without showing even the tiniest sign of fear! I am in awe of her for that. That takes real guts! "How did this get down here?" she wondered aloud. I told her again what had happened, and then she got that look on her face, the one that means uh-oh, I'd better run cuz I'm in biiiig trouble. "You've been on the worktop, haven't you?" she said ominously. I put on my most innocent face and gave her a pick me up now miaow. She didn't pick me up, but she didn't scold me either. "I guess the plate scared you enough."

She washed the plate straight away, but she left it on the draining board. It fell down this morning and attacked her hand, but again she showed no fear and just put it back where she wanted it. Today, the kitchen door is closed and my chicken is right outside it. She'll have to remember to pick it up when she comes home so that Dogface won't eat it, but I'm kind of glad she closed the door. I feel a bit of relief knowing that there aren't any plates around to get me.

So, I broke a biiiig rule today, but there was also a big payback. Was it worth it? Well of course. I am a tortie, after all.

To answer some of the comments left yesterday, I can't walk across the human's face. I don't like stepping on things that might move. Sticking a claw up her nose sounds like a wonderful idea though! I'm gonna try that the next time she doesn't wake up to give me tummy rubs when I want them. I didn't give her a head massage last night. I don't think she deserved one after setting the plates on me. I did sleep by her tummy though, all cuddled in close. What! It was cold, all right? As for eating Dogface, I promise you I shall never, ever, ever, ever, (have I mentioned ever yet?) be that desperate! She stinks worse than the chicken! If I ate her, I'd surely die of dog germs or dog breath or, well, dog! Ew, no!

Now, to kill the suspense... I DID survive! Yes, I know it's unbelievable, but I managed to pull through! Thank you all so much for caring about my fate. It means a lot to me to know that not all are as heartless as that human! Now, to find another rule to break...