Tortureshell Tuesday

Happy days are here again! This is my favourite day of the week, you know that? I try my hardest to be bad, bad, bad, and if the human's reactions are anything to go by, I succeed!

First thing's first though. I know you're all desperate to know whether I survived through yesterday. I'm going to keep you all in suspense a bit longer... I'm not telling yu until at least the end of the next paragraph, so there!

It was very touch and go. That light at the end of the tunnel I was talking about made me feel all warm and sleepy. I fought hard to keep my eyes open, to move away from the light, but when sun is shining on your fur and you're tucked in a comfy sprawl on a very soft sofa that smells of the nice human that makes you feel good, what are you supposed to do? I did try, but the next thing I knew, I was waking up.

Oh, my belly! It was growling and grumbling and girgling like you wouldn't believe. It frightened me. Was there a monster in there trying to get out? Was it hungry enough that it would eat me? Terrified by this notion, I got up and started to hunt for food. If I could only feed it, it might leave me alone.

I walked to the place where the food usually is, but nothing. I tried to jump on the desk which is where she puts it at night, but I couldn't get there because her typing thing was in the way. When I jump on that, the little squares give under my feet and I don't like it. I went to the food mountain bag in the hall, but she had it all wrapped up tight. I went into the kitchen to see if there was even any of that horrible chicken on the floor. Do you see how desperate I was at this point? Little kibbles were swimming in my vision and everything! Even the chicken was better than nothing!

It is here that Tortureshell Tuesday starts. The human has this rule, yes, I know, another one. She's really, really, really big on this one though, so much so that she really busts me if I break it. The rule is that no cat or dog is allowed on the worktops in the kitchen. I think this is hipocritical. She makes food up there. she sometimes even picks stuff up to eat from there once it's made and on a plate. I'm usually religious about not testing her on this rule because I don't like it when she chases me out of the kitchen, but I was starving. I could see my own bones and that monster was growling even more than before. I couldn't risk being eaten. I had to try.

I lined myself up, took a deep breath and jumped. Several things happened at once then. First of all, my paws landed on something shiny. Then the shiny thing jumped up, hit me on the nose and dumped me back on the floor. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then chased me down and landed with an enormous bang on the floor. I'm usually quite brave, but this was just too much for me. I turned tail and fled, hoping that the baby gate designed to keep the kitchen safe from stupid Dogface would also keep the shiny monster behind. Luckily, it did.

I went back a little later for a sneaky look and saw a big plate lying innocently on the floor. It wasn't moving, but I wasn't taking any chances. I'd seen what it did to me, and I knew that it was just waiting for me to get close enough so that it could jump up and whap me again. I didn't know plates could do that, but I guess the human has employed them as guardians of the worktop when she's not around. I'm not sure I'll break that rule again.

There was torture in store for me too though. On that plate there had been a bread crust, and oh how I wanted it. It was on the floor right by the plate and it was staring at me and calling me, but the plate was in the way! i can't describe the agony this caused me, but I knew I daren't get it. I left and went back to the light in the tunnel.

When my human came home, I told her all about what had happened to me and how hungry I was, but she only said, "wow, you're talking a lot today, aren't you?" She did give me food though. I tried hard to keep her out of the kitchen, to keep her safe from the plate, but as usual, she didn't listen. She almost stood on it, but kicked it instead. Then, to my astonishment, she reached down and picked it up without showing even the tiniest sign of fear! I am in awe of her for that. That takes real guts! "How did this get down here?" she wondered aloud. I told her again what had happened, and then she got that look on her face, the one that means uh-oh, I'd better run cuz I'm in biiiig trouble. "You've been on the worktop, haven't you?" she said ominously. I put on my most innocent face and gave her a pick me up now miaow. She didn't pick me up, but she didn't scold me either. "I guess the plate scared you enough."

She washed the plate straight away, but she left it on the draining board. It fell down this morning and attacked her hand, but again she showed no fear and just put it back where she wanted it. Today, the kitchen door is closed and my chicken is right outside it. She'll have to remember to pick it up when she comes home so that Dogface won't eat it, but I'm kind of glad she closed the door. I feel a bit of relief knowing that there aren't any plates around to get me.

So, I broke a biiiig rule today, but there was also a big payback. Was it worth it? Well of course. I am a tortie, after all.

To answer some of the comments left yesterday, I can't walk across the human's face. I don't like stepping on things that might move. Sticking a claw up her nose sounds like a wonderful idea though! I'm gonna try that the next time she doesn't wake up to give me tummy rubs when I want them. I didn't give her a head massage last night. I don't think she deserved one after setting the plates on me. I did sleep by her tummy though, all cuddled in close. What! It was cold, all right? As for eating Dogface, I promise you I shall never, ever, ever, ever, (have I mentioned ever yet?) be that desperate! She stinks worse than the chicken! If I ate her, I'd surely die of dog germs or dog breath or, well, dog! Ew, no!

Now, to kill the suspense... I DID survive! Yes, I know it's unbelievable, but I managed to pull through! Thank you all so much for caring about my fate. It means a lot to me to know that not all are as heartless as that human! Now, to find another rule to break...

Famine Strikes!

The human says she hates this time of the week, and I can't blame her really. This is the morning where, after all of her rest over the weekend, she has to go back to the work hunt. Whilst I understand that it must be a hard life to get up and have to go out early before the sun is all the way up, this doesn't mean that I am sympathetic. After all, if she didn't hunt, she'd not be able to feed me. I reminded her of this by waking her a full hour before she was supposed to get up, even though she hadn't gone to bed until late the night before. "Get off my face, Tia!" she spluttered when I crawled on the pillow and flopped on top of her. This is my way of saying good morning, and I don't see what all her fussing is about. I mean, there's not a problem with my yummy tummy on her head, if you ask me. I eventually gave in though and role doff to lie beside her instead.

I discovered a new thing this morning. It's great for two reasons. Firstly, it's a comfort, and secondly, it's guaranteed to keep the human awake, which means I get a prolonged snuggling session. the secret? Knead on your people's head. Honestly, it works! My human has long, silky fur on her head, and it feels wonderful pulling through my paws. There's good skin underneath too, which gives you something to pad against and get a grip on. I couldn't understand why she kept flinching and putting her hand between my paws and her head. Doesn't she understand the giving of love? Do you have such stupid peoples that you own? Please tell me I'm not the only one!

I gave in yesterday, but only a little bit. The human gave me more of the food she'd made, and this time, she put some of my dry food in with it. I ate that, but in the process, a little bit of the mush got on my tongue! It wasn't that bad, so I ate a little more, but only a little. I don't want her thinking she's won, after all.

But you know what she's done this morning? She's forgotten to put my food down! She puts it away at night time so that stupid dogface can't sneakily get it when she's not there to defend the kill. Whenever dogface is eating, I stick my tail in the air and walk away with utter disdain. This would no doubt shame another cat into stopping eating, for it's not polite to steal another's food, but stupid Dogface is too stupid to understand even the most plain of communications, so she keeps on eating. The human takes me to bed with her and puts food down in the bedroom so that I have something to eat, and then in the morning when she closes the bedroom door, she puts my bowl back in the living room. Today she forgot though. I tried to tell her before she left. I miaowed in a terribly sad voice, but she just tickled my chin and said "hush, now. You know I can't stay here all day and cuddle you. I need to go to work." Then she left!

Friends, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's only been an hour and a half, and already I feel weak. My tummy is girgling because it's so empty. My vision is blurring. I'm so dizzy and unable to stand that I have to lie on the really comfy spot on the sofa and sleep. Will I die? I think I will, and it will serve that human right. she remembered about the bowl when she got to the work hunt, and all she said was "I'm worried, but I know she'll be all right. It's not as though I'm gone for ages, and she isn't skin and bone." She's a heartless, cruel human! I can hardly miaow I'm so close to the end, and what does she say? Typical!

I don't know if I shall blog again, friends. This may be goodbye. To expect me to survive for seven and a half hours without food is too much of an ask. I must go and sleep now. And no, I am not kneading the sofa and lying in a sun puddle to get comfy. The kneading is the nervous spasms and the sun puddle is, well, erm, it just happens to be there! It's the light at the end of the tunnel! Yes, that's it. Goodbye, cruel world, goodbye!