Grooming habits of peoples

Friends, yesterday was another one of those days which makes me
wonder how peoples survived for as long as they have, and progressed
as much as they have, with their absolutely crazy waste of resources.
Let me discuss further, but first, I must warn that what follows is
not to be encouraged in any of your peoples. It's not pretty, and it
certainly isn't smart.

It has to do with water, you know, the stuff you need to drink to
stay alive? Ask any self-respecting cat to list the uses of water and
he'll say, "Uses? But there's only one, well, perhaps two if drowning
your prey in it could be classified as a use," and he'd be right. Ask
a people, however, and I think you'd find that you got a vastly
different answer. Take yesterday, for example.

It all started with the human picking up Millie apparently just for
a cuddle. My kitten, as much as I love her, has moments where she's
almost as dumb as a people, because when the human started to walk
towards the bathroom, Millie just carried on purring and brrrrrping to
her instead of putting up a token struggle to be let free. I
scarpered. I'm not stupid, and I knew what was coming.

Enter the first waste of water, the waste on grooming. I've had
this bathing thing done to me many times in preparation for shows, and
while it does strip the dirt out of my coat, so does a good tongue
washing, and the latter conserves resources much better. As if
throwing tons of water down the plug-hole isn't bad enough, she adds
smelly horrible shampoos to it which mean that, even if it could be
rescued by some miracle, it's no longer drinkable.

I know that peoples tongues are vastly inferior to ours, but they
still produce saliva, and they can still reach to wash parts of their
body. Ok, so they're not as flexible as us, nor would they be so well
cleaned, but surely this small sacrifice is worth it when it means the
conservation of water?

I usually try and educate her when she's giving me a bath. I talk
her through all the good reasons to save water, why we shouldn't just
get rid of it when it's a life saver. She just tells me to stop
shouting and says things like "Anyone would think I'm killing you
instead of just washing you with all that chattering". That lady never
listens to sense, even when it is shouted at her. I've heard her
intimate in the past that my shouting begins when the water is turned
off, and quietens immediately when I've got the warm water flowing on
me again. I've heard her intimate that this is because I'm being a
"stroppy madam," and because I want the hot water back. What lies she
tells! Let me tell you what's going on. I shout when the water is
turned off firstly with joy that she's seen sense, then with
increasing desperation as she makes moves to turn the water back on. I
scream at her to think before acting, to consider the poor alleycats
who have no water. I give up when the shower comes back on because I
sink into despair at my human's utter ignorance and inability to see
logic.

Then there's the matter of litterboxes. Now, we've already
discussed peoples litterbox habbits last year, how they foul up a
whole bowl of water by doing their unmentionables in it, and how wrong
I thought that was. But friends, they even wash out the propper
litterboxes in water. They actually fill a dirty box to the brim with
water, then wash out all the bits. Then my human fills it again, adds
horrible smelly stuff to it and scrubs. Then it gets emptied and
filled a third time so that the last of the smelly stuff is washed
away.

Now, in my book, filling a litterbox with water at all is a shame
and disgrace. Just change the litter every now and again, and that's
all it needs. But to fill a box three times is just down right
terrible. Considering that we have 4 boxes in our house, that's a lot
of water gone. Even one box full of the stuff would keep me and the
kitten drinking for weeks. Multiply it by 12 and the tragedy of it is
that much worse.

I've tried to educate the human, I really have, but after seeing
her behaviour yesterday, I think I'm going to have to give up on her
totally unless any of you out there have any good tips for stopping
this attrocity. If you do, I'd love to hear from you. Unlike certain
others I could mention, I actually care about conservation. When you
consider that our county is currently experiencing drout, the
repurcussions of her actions are clear. In fact, I wouldn't be at all
surprised if it turned out that she was the sole reason for the drout
in the first place! Come on, friends, help me out here. Surely your
peoples aren't as thoughtless as this one?

Now, today's a special day that only comes once every four years.
My human says that today is the day that ladies can ask their man
friends to marry them. While I won't be so forward as to propose
marriage (I'm not a ladycat who likes to be tied down... More of a
free spirit if you catch my meaning), if you're a mancat and
interested, then believe me, I'd be pleased to hear from you. Too
pleased according to my human who says she hasn't had a propper
night's sleep since Friday with all my shouting. Lots of you live all
the way across the pond though, so a ladycat's gotta shout really loud
to get your attention, doesn't she!

Smoochies to you all.

Tia

Competition winners and stupid humans!

Hihihihihi! Guess what? My human is stupid! I know I know. I still love her, but she's stupider than my stupid, stinky brothers were! You know why? Cuz she gotted her numbers mixed up and she thinked that our super duper competition ended yesterday stead of a whole week ago! How rubbish is that? We're sorry!

Anyway, without further a-do, I get to tell you all who the winner is! I want it to be me, but the human and my booooring old mummycat say that that's not fair cuz I've already tried all the foods and another somebody needs a chance to try it. But shhhh, maybe I'll sneaky some outta the bag before it gets sent away. Don't tell on me though!

Anyway, the winner is............ Hannah and Lucy! Concatulations to the both of you! But I think that Hannah and Lucy shouldn't have telled each other that they were entering, and then if one of them winned, they could keep it a secret and they wouldn't hafta share with the other one! That's what I woulda done, cuz this food is yummy, yummy, yummy! My human says to Hannah and Lucy could they please tell their people somebody to email her their address details and we'll get the prize posted to you! Also, we need a time when you'll be in, and a date pretty please. What's an email?

I've decided. my human is sel, sel, um, not very good at sharing. Oh, I member the word now! It's shellfish! She is! She never shares her yummy foods with me sept for the time when she telled Dogman (that's what my mummycat says his name is) to give me a chip once cuz I was asking really politely for one. My human says I was pestering, but I wasn't! I was just sitting beside his plate and telling him loudly that I wanted one, and sniffing at them and trying to take one. That's polite! At least I didn't just grab and run! When I gotted the chip I ran away with it in my mouth and I didn't share with nobody and I hided behind the chair and eated it all up myself in secret. And I like chips. But the human won't give me any. She says they aren't cat foods and so I don't get to have them. How shellfish is that!

I'm so clever, you know. My mummycat is a bit stupid, but shhh, don't tell her I telled you that else she'll smack me! My human has this super duper ball thing that she calls a treat ball. And she puts really yummy foods in there and if you wanna eat them, you hafta push the ball till it rolls over and spits out some foods. I use the ball maybe 3 times every week, and mummycat, even though she watches me every time, still doesn't know how to get the foods out. She just sits there and cries at the ball, but it doesn't spit out any foods for her. I think it's great, cuz then I don't hafta share! And even when the human tries to feed mummycat some of the treaties without me seeing, I'm so clever that I do see, and I come and copy mummycat and put my paws on the human and shove my face right into her hand and eat real, real fast so's mummycat can't have them all to herself. And it's cool cuz I know that even when I'm finished, there's still loads in the ball that's all mine!

I love to carry things in my mouth too, and mummycat doesn't do that neither. I've bringed two mousies into the bedroom and put them beside the bed thing for a present for the human in the mornings. She always tells me how clever I am for giving her a present. I have glittery balls too, and a straw thing with a glittery ball on the end too, and I pick them up in my mouth and then I jump on the human's knee in my chair and I drop the thing on her and then she tells me how clever I am. And then she wiggles the straw thing or throws the ball for me and then I gotta run real, real fast and jump on it real good and pick it up and kill it and then bring it back to her again. And it's such a cool game!

But yesterday, my human was real horrible to me. Dogman was still at the house, so the human leaved without putting any new stinky goodness in my bowl! But she forgotted to tell Dogman to feed us too, and he doesn't check the bowls a lot cuz he doesn't feed us. And I gotted hungrier and hungrier and I climbed on him and I said "weeeeow!" but he didn't do nothing sept give me a cuddle and then go on typing on Computer. and then I jumped on the back of the chair and I said "Weeeeow!" and he didn't do nothing again! And then I jumped on Computer and started attacking the little moving thing that was wiggling. And then he did do something. And he picked me up and he said "Millie, stop attacking the mouse. I can't work when you're doing that!" And I said "Weeeeow! Weeeeow!" and I put my claws out and holded onto him real tight but all he did was put me down. And then I went and lay sadly by my stinky goodness bowl, and my tummy went all hurty and rumbly and it sounded like there was a monster in there. And so I runned away and went on the sofa instead, cuz all somebodies know that a monster can't get you if you're under a blanket on the sofa. My mummycat asked me why I didn't eat the dry foods, but I didn't answer her. I was starving! I didn't care if there was dry foods. I needed stinky goodness!

And then my human came home and she feeded me and I eated and eated and eated until the monster went away and my tummy wanted to say pop! And then I gived the human a big cuddle. And then I went and climbed into the chair with Dogman and I lay on my back and he tickled my tummy and I went to sleep, cuz all somebodies know that monsters can't get you when you're sleeping on a somebody.

But then I heard mummycat crying her "I'm in the bath and I don't like it" cry, so I went to see and the bathroom door was closed and the human wouldn't let me in. Sept she did, but only after mummycat went out all wrapped up in a towel. But then I didn't want to go in cuz it was my turn for a bath. But do you know what? I sat like a very good girlcat and I only tried to jump out twice. But I let her wash my legs and my tail and everywhere and I tried to eat the bubbles that came into the bath just like magic! But my human said "no, Millie. You'll get sick. And anyway, I can't wash you when you're diving on bubbles." So I stopped and was good again. And then I got air on me from the nois

I'm Famous!

Or at least, I will be in a few months. Do you remember me telling you the last time I posted that over this weekend, something cool was going to happen? Well, today that something did.




you remember that I go to shows, don't you? Well, my next one is coming up in about a month, and so the human has started the stupid old "let's bath the cat every two weeks" rubbish again to make sure my coat looks its best on the day. Recently, she was contacted by a Media student who was very interested in the ins and outs of showing cats. She wants to do her end of year project on it, and asked if the human would be willing for her to come up and take some photos and video of how she gets me ready for show. Without even consulting me first, the human said she didn't mind at all. Honestly, the nerve! I didn't shout at her though, cuz let's face it, every cat wants to be the centre of attention, don't they? And that's exactly what I'll be. The student is going to do an exhibition, and guess what? I'm gonna be the cover girl! Well, they didn't confirm that, and she did say to the human that she also wanted to feature another people and their cat, but I just know I'm gonna be the one on the cover!





The cover of what, you say. Well, she's hoping to do a sort of fold out book, rather like a consertina affair. She's been thinking too and says she wants to do an etching for the front of it, and then emboss it so that the human too can appreciate some of her work! Isn't that lovely? We might even be given a copy to keep for our very own!





She came today and took lots of pictures of me in my bath and while I was being dried. At the start I didn't mind, but by the end of it, I was thoroughly fed up with the whole thing, so much so in fact that I hissed at her when she tried to come close! It's not cuz I didn't like her. I'm just practicing being a diva, that's all. But I do now understand what you all are talking about when you say that the flashy box is an annoyance. It really is! I think I could learn to hate it, but for now, I'll allow its flash to flash unchallenged, cuz it means that lotsa peoples are gonna get to look at me!





I just want to address something about Caboodle to follow up. It's been brought to my attention firstly that Caboodle will actively sue anyone who posts a defammatory story about them, and secondly, that the pictures I was sent are up all over the internet with inconsistent dates as to when they were taken. In light of both of these things, I'm not going to take the story any further, and am sorry if I've posted something which wasn't entirely justified. I did it for the good of the cats potentially stuck in those situations, but I think in future I'll just keep my mouth shut. I've been thinking about this for many, many days now, deliberating with myself. After all, it's us little folk who can get things done by raising awareness of issues such as this, so I didn't make the decision not to go ahead lightly. I also didn't decide not to post about anything like this again lightly, for that very same reason, but I think that unless I've been there and seen things myself, I'm going to steer well clear of it. If I can work out how, I'm going to take the Caboodle post down, and I will also pray very hard that if what was said there is true, someone will step in and help out..





To clear up something else that Craft Cat posted, Clouder does not own this blog, no. he just contributes to it with his super duper technical know how! He's a whizz! Nope, it's me, Tia, that owns this blog, and it'd better stay that way!





Well friends, I'm quite worn out after all my photo shoots, so I think I deserve a long, long nap. The human says that the student promised her faithfully that she'd send her pictures, so when we get them, we'll try and put them up! I might do a series of them leading up to my show day. Who knows! Have a smashing Sunday!

Terrific Tuesday!

It is, friends, and for quite a few reasons. Firstly and most importantly, it's a great day because that lazy bum of a human of mine has finally decided to commit my dictations to paper once more! ok, computer, not paper. It's been too long, and she hasn't even been visiting my friends for me! She says she's still sorting things out from the house move, that she's had a lot to deal with, yada, yada, yada. Does she think I care for her pathetic, pitiful excuses? Cuz I don't. The fact is, she's been neglecting me, and there's no excuse for that!




There's more good news. Last week I had to go to the new lady vet people cuz my chest was sounding all bad and wheezy again. She gave me some more yucky tablets to take, and I finished those this morning. The human took me back today for a check up, and other than having some staining on my teeth, the vet lady people said I was in great health! The human still says she can hear a wheeze in my purr, but the vet lady people couldn't hear a thing when she listened with the listening thing to my chest, so I say the human's being a worry wart again.





The other thing is mancats. My own lovely little mancat is now very far away from me thanks to my human deciding to move house, so I've had to find another one, but you know what? I've done it! There's another boy, and this one's so posh that he's actually international. Isn't that neat? He was imported into this country to live with his peoples because he was so outstanding. the human says he owns his own house too. She says he's had other girls before, but he's a man of the world. Where as my first mancat would take no for an answer, this mancat knows what he wants. She says that he'll show me that having fun with a mancat isn't so bad really. I'll confess that I saw the last one off cuz I was a bit nervous, but if the new one will show me the ropes, I might just let him milk and tuna me!





And the good news doesn't stop there! After being stuck in the house for a week, the human had someone come today to help her learn the way to places with her white stick. She was a nice ladypeople. When the human was getting her shoes on, she said that the lady people could have a cuddle if she liked. As I've told you before, I'm a bit nervous of strangers, but the human says that she wants to show me that I can trust them just like I trust her. She wants to show me that everybody I say hello to will be nice to me, so she passed me over to the lady people. Even though I wanted to, I didn't struggle. While the human went off to get ready, the lady people gave me scritches and rubs and told me all about the two mancats she owns. She said that it was Ok, that she wouldn't be horrible to me and that I could relax. I might have purred a teeny bit, but I'm not saying. I did stare after my human as she left the room to find her keys, but I didn't jump down from the lady people's lap cuz her scritches were quite nice. I wonder, can other peoples be trusted? I mean, really trusted?





The human says that the HG is coming to see us on Saturday and is staying until Tuesday! I got real excited about this until I heard the next things. The HG is bringing her manpeople with her, and he's not so keen on cats. She's also bringing a stupid Dogface. Her stupid dogface is called Nikki, and does the same job as the human's stupid dogface did for her. She stops the HG from walking into things, and helps her find the way to go. I've decided that if she's like our stupid dogface and leaves me alone, I'll not mind her, but if she chases me or sniffs me, I'm gonna disappear. I can't be bothered with Dogfaces any more! Still, I can't wait to see the HG! Do you think she'll bring me toys? Or treats? Or tuna? Or nice stinky goodness? huh? The human says she's going to help with a practice show bath over the weekend. I'm not looking forward to that bit, but if the HG is there and she brings treats, then I'll put up with it for that... Maybe.





Ok, last bit of good news for today, but hasn't there been a lot! This is the biggest news for the human. Her friend's ladycat has just given birth to two happy, healthy, bouncing boy Burmese kittens! The people who belongs to the ladycat has been talking to the human and telling her all about the pregnancy so that she'll know better what to expect when I have my babies later this year, so the human almost feels as though she's had a part in the kittens who've just been born. It made her day! I can't say that I cared as much as she did. After all, I didn't know the ladycat. But I hope that mummycat and babies continue to do well and thrive. If you like, I'll have the human keep you updated on all the goings on with them!





Well, I think I'm all newsed out. Until next time, eat nip!

Tortureshell Tuesday: Santa Paws and Competition

Well, today should be Tortureshell Tuesday, but in light of the Santa Paws approach, I categorically refuse to admit to anything at all which might be seen as naughty. Perhaps this in itself is a Tortureshell though, cuz, let's face it, every cat should be doing something less than agreeable in their people's eyes. It's all part of the training and teaches them never to think that they are coming close to training us, or to encourage the common misconception among peoples, the human included, that they own us.





The human had to give me another horrible bath today, and it was all her fault. She's been putting this horrid, nasty stuff in my ears. Honestly, I'd swear sometimes they have no more sense than a kitten. They do have the unfortunate ability to pick you up and hold you still no matter how much you struggle though.





I compare this episode to a kitten's irrepressible urge to see what will happen when they do a certain thing; the action reaction principle. Bite mummy's tail once too often and you'll get a swat. Stick your face in your food and you'll have a dirty face and no dinner for your troubles. Put ear cleaner in a cat's ears and you'll have... a cat covered in the stuff and ears which are no cleaner. The human tried it for a day, but it was so oily that every time I shook my head it all came out and covered my poor face and ears. Oh, it was awful stuff. Imagine having a perpetually wet face, for that is what it feels like when you have fur matted with horrid oil. I kept shaking my head to try and rid myself of it. I was miserable. I didn't want cuddles or interaction or anything really. What's more, the oil irritated my skin and I got to scratching so much that I was pulling lumps of my beautiful fur out. At that point the human had had enough, and in the bath I went.





For once, I didn't mind it. I knew it would rid me of the horrible oil, but having water put on your face, then horrible smelly foamy stuff is no more pleasant than the oil. Even though I knew the purpose, I still shouted at her. In fact, I even burst into a bit of operatic song too. I was simply celebrating the release from the ear cleaner, but I knew that, to the human, it would sound like I was dying a thousand painful, slow deaths. I was hoping to tug on her heartstrings and get something nice. It worked, but not quite as well as I'd hoped.





Today, the human had a little help to go shopping, and she came back with a bag that smelled very, very interesting. I got very excited. I wanted to see what the contents were, but as soon as I started to explore, she took it from me and hid it in the kitchen, a place I'm not allowed sept when the human's in there. By singing, I hoped she would feel so sorry for me that she'd give me the interesting things from the bag, but she didn't. She says they're for our Santa Paws, but she did give in and reveal that she bought me some things too. I have her so well trained that she says she couldn't imagine looking at all the nice things in the shop and buying some for another cat and not for me. For once, human, you show a glimmer of sense! I got tuna for my pains, which isn't so bad. Even though we have stinky goodness in the house now, she says I can finish off this tin of tuna before she opens that. I'm not really complaining.





Tori/Ushi, Santa Paws is a super event like the peoples version of Secret Santa only for more important persons like cats. Dogfaces like you are included too. My human says she's sorry that you didn't know about it, cuz it would have been nice for you to get involved too. She says we can do Secret Santa with you if you like, even though it won't be very secret cuz you know who's telling Santa Paws what you want. Still, at least you can get presents that way.





Catnip Crew, I will take your advice to heart, or rather, to bottom, and begin to sit on her keyboard so she can't type. I'm sick of her ignoring me! Amy, I don't mind sharing my tuna with you and your friends, but please can you leave some for me? Also, you're featuring us in Friends on Friday? Wow, that's terriffic! Thank you very much! She sent the job application thing to another people today who she says will read it, then send it to more peoples to read so they can decide if she's good enough. So time wasteful to do it that way, and if the amount she's written is any indicator, she's good enough to run the world! Puss-Puss, are you sure about Santa Paws not minding? I know the human version seems to care, so I don't wanna take any chances. Praline, thank you for the advice on the package! Hestorb, I am so glad you appreciate the gravity of the situation. It's nice of you to offer to share in my torture, very brave and noble. I'll tell the human to get out another bowl. Welcome to hell! Karen, so nice of you to drop by, and I'm glad you'll be returning! The human says she has a mothersister, an auntie she calls her, with the same name as yours, only hers is spelled Caron. Don't tell, but it's spelled funny cuz the mummypeople and the daddypeople liked the sound but didn't know the letters for it! Silly peoples.





our competition for Soft Claws ends tonight, so don't forget to enter! See last Wednesday's post for details. you only have a few hours left! Remember, tell us something naughty about the website, then something naughty you've done, and finally what colour and size of Soft Claws you'd like. Good luck! Now, I'm off to tuna torture. Coming?

Mummycat?

Friends, let me begin by apologising for not posting yesterday. The human had a long day and was tired, and I had to have another stinky bath. When she was ready to post, things started happening. Normally I would tell you about those things, but to be honest, I have my mind on other matters right now. I am getting these urges. I need to find a safe, dark, warm, soft place. I have to prepare it, mark it with my scent, flatten it. I've been grooming a lot too. I don't know why, but I have this strong conviction that I need to keep myself very, very clean. The human is muttering something about pregnancy, but I don't really care. For once, it is all about me, and I have little time for anyone else, even this blog. For that reason, I'm going to hand the rest of this post over to the human and let her tell you everything. I have a bed to make.


Human: I never thought I'd be posting something like this, but here goes. I am mightily confused. A few months ago, I sent Tia out to stud, but it was unsuccessful, or so we were told. Neither of the boys managed to get anywhere near her thanks to her tortie temper, and yet, I find myself in my current position.


Last night in the early evening, Tia became very restless. In my house, my sofa sits a little away from the wall, and it is behind this that she goes if she wants to hide and observe strangers or new goings on in relative safety. Yesterday she was in and out of here quite a lot. I heard her scratching and thought she was going to the toilet outside the box again, but as soon as I got close, she'd cry at me, then run away as though I was invading her space. I thought nothing of it. After all, if she was going where she knew she shouldn't, it's to be expected that she wouldn't want to be caught in the act. Yet, when I showed her where the box was, she didn't seem interested. I gave her her bath as normal.


Usually Tia tells me off when I get her wet, but last night, she really let loose. At one point her cries were on the edge of cracking, you know that point just before it turns into a scream and a slash? But she never followed up. I also noticed that she's lost some hair around her lady bits, or I think she has. I'm not in the habit of touching here, so am not sure whether there should be less fur there than everywhere else, but it was noticeable last night. Still, I didn't worry.


She was strangely pliant during being dried off, but cried even then, something she doesn't usually do. I cuddled her afterwards, then gave her her chicken which she ate all of. Usually she leaves some for the following morning, but not last night. We went to bed then, but it was here that things really kicked into over-drive. Instead of cuddling as she usually does, she headed straight for under the bed and cosied up in between boxes that I keep there and the wall. However, her meowing continued. I ignored it because she'll often talk to me when she's exploring, just to let me know she's found something. In a few minutes though, she jumped back up, meowed right in my face, then got back down and under the bed. This carried on for another two repetitions before I gave in and came down with her. But all she wanted was company in her little nest. Well, I couldn't stay with her all night, but nor could I get her to settle. It occurred to me that this behaviour was typical of a mother close to birthing kittens, but how could she be?


She has showed no signs of pregnancy. Her nipples didn't pink up in the three weeks after she'd been with the boys. She hasn't put on weight. I could feel nothing in her belly (I checked). Hoover lady did say she ate shed loads of food while I'd been away though. Was it a phantom pregnancy? This isn't uncommon when an older girl goes out to stud for the first time, and I'd been warned of the possibility, but I was told it would only last a few weeks if it was there. Still, if she had been caught by one of the boys, the timing would be about right for the birth.


I slept uneasily, aided by the fact that Tia was very much a fidget, and a vocal one. At six this morning, I decided that I couldn't take any more. I'm blushing as I write this, but I made tiny kitten noises at her. I couldn't think of anything else to do. That got her attention right away. Quick as a wink, she was up with me, talking like I've never heard her talk before, nuzzling, then cuddling around my hand which had to act as surrogate to settle her, and assuming the "I'm ready for you to nurse" position. She seemed content enough as long as she cuddled my hand, so I left her like that and just watched for the next few hours. The nesting resumed as I was getting up, but as yet, there is no discharge which indicates labour, and I still can't feel a thing in her stomach. Her milk hasn't come down either, but then my reading says that a girl will try and nest for up to a week before giving birth, and the milk only comes down in the last few days.


I know that Persians often carry only one or two in their first litter. If it is one, and a small one, I suppose it's possible that we could have missed it, as first time mums don't always pink up. But I'm still torn. I called Hoover lady to tell her this morning and she says she noticed last time she checked that Tia's lady bits were a bit puffy. These could all indicate termination of a phantom pregnancy, but it could also indicate birth. I'm just not sure, and the last thing I want to do is send her to the vet again if she's ready to birth. I know of cases where the stress of that has caused a mum to kill the kittens when they are born because she's not settled.


I guess we just play a waiting game now. I'm half expecting to see a kitten when I get home from work today, but the reality check side of me says it's very, very unlikely. Have any of you had experience with similar situations or phantom pregnancies? I could do with some advice.

Tortureshell Tuesday: Bath-time Romp

Yep, it's that time again, and hasn't it come around fast! I've been working my hardest to do something stupendously bad for Tortureshell, but I'll let you be the judge of whether I succeeded or not. By the way, huge points to Sweet Praline.  She's the only one brave enough to actively involve herself in this most splendid of events!

I told you yesterday that the human gave me a bath on Sunday. She has to do this twice a week for the next little while because I was more naughty and kept scratching my collar. The next time I do this, remind me about horrible, stinky shampoo, will you? Maybe then I'll remember that it's really not worth the trouble it gets me into. Even I have limits of naughtiness!

But look, I'm getting side-tracked again. The human has a special carrier (PTU) that she keeps for bathing. She says it's because it's old, so it doesn't matter if it gets caked in stinky shampoo. She can't use it to carry me in because the door comes off if I jump hard on the bottom, and she doesn't agree with just throwing things away if they can be useful for something else, so it stays in the bathroom.

Into the bath I went, complaining bitterly. What had I done to deserve this treatment! I'd been nothing but a good nurse, and here she was getting me all wet for no reason other than to put stinky horrible on me! Life isn't fair sometimes, and boy did I tell her.

Once she'd covered me in the horrible stuff, she bundled, yes bundled! me into this PTU. I didn't want to go. I braced my front paws with claws out against the plastic, but she just pushed harder. I went star-shaped, but she folded my legs in and shoved me in face first. I stuck my bum out the door but she gave it a pat and it brought back all the memories of those mancats trying to do the unladylike things with me. Quick as a flash, I whipped my tail away from her, and in that instant, the heartless jailor slammed the door and turned the catches.

Well, I was furious! I was so mad I was even jumping up and down inside that PTU, but it was on the floor, so it couldn't bend at the bottom and release me from stinky, wet, PTU hell! She put a towel over me the same as before to keep the heat in, and then she left me alone. She shouldn't have done that, friends, because here's where I went into action.

I have strong front paws. It comes from all the kneading I've had to do on the human to make her feel better over the last few days. I didn't know I needed this extra strength, but boy was I glad I had it. Slowly, quietly so that the jailor wouldn't hear me, I reached out and grabbed the bars of the door. I pulled, but nothing happened. I shook, but they stayed solid. Getting desperate now (I wanted rid of the stinky, and there was no food in there with me!) I lowered my shoulder, dropped my head, backed up, then charged. And you know what? It worked! I was free! And what's more, I had a whole bathroom to play with.

Now I know I'm supposed to keep the shampoo on me for ten minutes to let it do whatever it's supposed to do, but there were a lot of surfaces in that room which were free of it, and in my opinion, I had an awful lot too much on my fur. I started rubbing. I rubbed my whole body. I even climbed so that I could cover all available areas in the stinky yuck. When the jailor came back, I was in the middle of having a great wrestling match with that pesky towel that had covered me. It was still warm and I was a bit cold, so although I was fighting with it, I was all wrapped inside it too. This one was the best. It took off the mostest shampoo.

For some reason, the human wasn't pleased. "Another towel wash, then," she groaned as she pulled me from the tangle I'd made, then dumped me right back in the tub! I complained, but it was more of a token gesture this time. I knew she was going to get rid of the stink, so what was the point in fighting it when it was what I wanted?

Human picture: On hearing an almighty rumpus coming from the bathroom, I scooted back in there really quick thinking she might have managed to overturn the carrier. Picture the scene. A hot, steamy bathroom, the stink of shampoo thick in the air, the gentle drip, drip, drip of bubbles cascading off the sides of the tub, the toilet, sink, litter tray, walls, the soothing splish-splosh of the veritable lake of suds on the floor as Tia's small paws hit it as she scampered from one place to the next. And the towel? It doesn't even bear mentioning. It was a sodden, soapy mess, complete with fur-puddle in the middle of it. Oh, she had fun all right.

The human says I succeeded in torturing her. It took her quite a time to get all of the shampoo off the bathroom. Hah. Maybe she'll think twice about putting me in the bath next time!

Now, it's over to you. Whether you're a naughty tortie or not, torture those peoples!