Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Tortureshell Tuesday: Santa Paws and Competition

Well, today should be Tortureshell Tuesday, but in light of the Santa Paws approach, I categorically refuse to admit to anything at all which might be seen as naughty. Perhaps this in itself is a Tortureshell though, cuz, let's face it, every cat should be doing something less than agreeable in their people's eyes. It's all part of the training and teaches them never to think that they are coming close to training us, or to encourage the common misconception among peoples, the human included, that they own us.

The human had to give me another horrible bath today, and it was all her fault. She's been putting this horrid, nasty stuff in my ears. Honestly, I'd swear sometimes they have no more sense than a kitten. They do have the unfortunate ability to pick you up and hold you still no matter how much you struggle though.

I compare this episode to a kitten's irrepressible urge to see what will happen when they do a certain thing; the action reaction principle. Bite mummy's tail once too often and you'll get a swat. Stick your face in your food and you'll have a dirty face and no dinner for your troubles. Put ear cleaner in a cat's ears and you'll have... a cat covered in the stuff and ears which are no cleaner. The human tried it for a day, but it was so oily that every time I shook my head it all came out and covered my poor face and ears. Oh, it was awful stuff. Imagine having a perpetually wet face, for that is what it feels like when you have fur matted with horrid oil. I kept shaking my head to try and rid myself of it. I was miserable. I didn't want cuddles or interaction or anything really. What's more, the oil irritated my skin and I got to scratching so much that I was pulling lumps of my beautiful fur out. At that point the human had had enough, and in the bath I went.

For once, I didn't mind it. I knew it would rid me of the horrible oil, but having water put on your face, then horrible smelly foamy stuff is no more pleasant than the oil. Even though I knew the purpose, I still shouted at her. In fact, I even burst into a bit of operatic song too. I was simply celebrating the release from the ear cleaner, but I knew that, to the human, it would sound like I was dying a thousand painful, slow deaths. I was hoping to tug on her heartstrings and get something nice. It worked, but not quite as well as I'd hoped.

Today, the human had a little help to go shopping, and she came back with a bag that smelled very, very interesting. I got very excited. I wanted to see what the contents were, but as soon as I started to explore, she took it from me and hid it in the kitchen, a place I'm not allowed sept when the human's in there. By singing, I hoped she would feel so sorry for me that she'd give me the interesting things from the bag, but she didn't. She says they're for our Santa Paws, but she did give in and reveal that she bought me some things too. I have her so well trained that she says she couldn't imagine looking at all the nice things in the shop and buying some for another cat and not for me. For once, human, you show a glimmer of sense! I got tuna for my pains, which isn't so bad. Even though we have stinky goodness in the house now, she says I can finish off this tin of tuna before she opens that. I'm not really complaining.

Tori/Ushi, Santa Paws is a super event like the peoples version of Secret Santa only for more important persons like cats. Dogfaces like you are included too. My human says she's sorry that you didn't know about it, cuz it would have been nice for you to get involved too. She says we can do Secret Santa with you if you like, even though it won't be very secret cuz you know who's telling Santa Paws what you want. Still, at least you can get presents that way.

Catnip Crew, I will take your advice to heart, or rather, to bottom, and begin to sit on her keyboard so she can't type. I'm sick of her ignoring me! Amy, I don't mind sharing my tuna with you and your friends, but please can you leave some for me? Also, you're featuring us in Friends on Friday? Wow, that's terriffic! Thank you very much! She sent the job application thing to another people today who she says will read it, then send it to more peoples to read so they can decide if she's good enough. So time wasteful to do it that way, and if the amount she's written is any indicator, she's good enough to run the world! Puss-Puss, are you sure about Santa Paws not minding? I know the human version seems to care, so I don't wanna take any chances. Praline, thank you for the advice on the package! Hestorb, I am so glad you appreciate the gravity of the situation. It's nice of you to offer to share in my torture, very brave and noble. I'll tell the human to get out another bowl. Welcome to hell! Karen, so nice of you to drop by, and I'm glad you'll be returning! The human says she has a mothersister, an auntie she calls her, with the same name as yours, only hers is spelled Caron. Don't tell, but it's spelled funny cuz the mummypeople and the daddypeople liked the sound but didn't know the letters for it! Silly peoples.

our competition for Soft Claws ends tonight, so don't forget to enter! See last Wednesday's post for details. you only have a few hours left! Remember, tell us something naughty about the website, then something naughty you've done, and finally what colour and size of Soft Claws you'd like. Good luck! Now, I'm off to tuna torture. Coming?

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