Friends, I don't mean to startle you, and what I am about to say may at first seme ludicrous, misled, even a little insane, but I have discovered today that the human species have merrits. More than that, they have initiative. I didn't want to say that right off, cuz I feared some of you would be so shocked you'd drop where you stood. Better to ease into it slowly. They do though, or at least, mine does... Or should i say did. Why, I hear you ask? Cuz she sprung me from prison, that's why. And she says she didn't even need a rope concealed in a pie to do it! I don't know what ropes or pies have to do with anything, but humans are weird. I accept this.
As you know, I had a sick tummy again last Friday which meant I had to go to the vet peoples. What you don't know is that this was code for I have to go to prison. I really hate the vet prison. A PTU is bad enough, but at least you know you can get out of that in a short while, and at least you're in it alone. At the vets, the PTU doesn't move and is bigger and called a cage, but there are just so many other cats and nasty smells and the litter in my box is different and it isn't even my box and, well, the list goes on. As if that's not bad enough, peoples will periodically come, take you out of the PTU that isn't a PTU, then poke and prod at you until you're blue in the face with swearing at them. not that I'd swear, of course. It's not my fault they interpretted my gentle "get off, you fat, blithering idiot" as swearing. If they can't speak felinese, it's not my fault, is it? They should have studied languages harder at school. My human speaks it, so there's no excuse.
The vet peoples always insist on thieving too. This time they stole my bloods a few times, and they started poo pinching too. I held out for as long as I could, friends, but when you're there for days, when you gotta go, you just gotta go. The idea of them stealing that disgusts me so much that I try and hold back where I can, so I only went once since Friday, and that was hard, I tell you, as I've been eating like a horse and there just isn't room for any more in there!
I heard my human talking to the vet peoples a few times on the phone, but finally, today, she got the message; I want to go home. I know she'd been trying to bust me out of there for ages, cuz I could hear the vet peoples saying I wasn't ready, but today they said they wanted to keep me in just for another poo sample. The uman said she wasn't happy with that, and would happily collect a sample at home so that I could get out of there. I don't know what else she said, but my heart leapt, then dropped as they hung up the phone and didn't come get me straight away. I was so, so disappointed.
Here's where the strange part comes in though. After a while, they did come and get me for no discernable reason. They put me in the PTU and brought me to a little room where the human was waiting. I don't know how she did it, but she did. Perhaps they're just so afraid of her that they daren't refuse to hand me over when she's there in person, or perhaps it had to do with the fact that the human had a prearranged pick up time. I'm with the former.
Now, sit down, friends, cuz there's another shock in store. When I saw the human, I went crazy. I mashed my face on the front of the PTU, I called to her. In fact, I was so vigorous that she was worried I was going to hurt myself. This is all part of the conditioning though. I had to reward her for good behaviour in busting me out so that, next time, she'll remember the good things she got and will come bust me out again. So I put up bravely with all the rubbing and the chin tickling and the scratching and I may even have purred for her and I may even have really smushed her hand with my face, but if I did, it's all part of the conditioning. Oh it's a hard life being a trainer.
None of the results have come back from my stolen bloods, and the human is going to steal some of my poo whether I like it or not, so we'll have to keep you informed once we know more. We would, though, like to extend heart felt thanks to everyone that came to wish me well while I was in prison. It means a lot to know that there are so many out there purring for you every day. We're so sorry to Amy and her House of Cats that we didn't do a propper post to say thank you for featuring us in Friends on Friday. Amy, we both really appreciate it!
To make sure the human is put back in her place, I bit her when I got home. I rolled on my back, pretended to show her my yummy tummy, then grabbed her with all four feet and bit. I had to do it before she got to thinking that all that purring and smushing was to be the norm. Carrot and stick, trainer friends, carrot and stick. I'm lying on the self heating heating pad which is her lap right now. Kind of her to make it available for me. Not so kind that there's no food down. She says that I'm having nothing but stinky goodness for the next few days. That means though that it can't be down all the time, cuz it goes bad quick. It's to give my tummy a rest and let it recover from all the bad stuff it's been doing. Well, ya don't hear me complainin', do ya!