The Great Unknown

I'm not even talking about outside, oh no! I'm talking about peoples. I was just looking back through my old posts, when I found this comment.

Tia, I don't suppose your human has told you about me, but she's my kitten, which I guess makes me your human grandma. She had three sibling cats when she was young, but in those days she thought humans were better than cats and refused to relate to them as sisters and brother. Now she's all grown up and knows better. I'm sorry if this hurts, but I'm not ready to be a great grandma yet, so I guess I was a bit relieved about the ghost kittens. But I'll have got my head around the idea by the time you have your flesh and blood babies, which will hopefully be very soon. I might even adopt one of them... Love and kisses from HG

What? Um, wait a minute! Nobody told me about this lady people! And now she thinks she's my grandma?

I didn't have a clue who the lady people was, but she'd given me a clue to solving the mystery. She said that the human was her kitten. That must mean that HG, as she calls herself, is my human's mummypeople. I needed to talk to her about this, so I waited until she was in the middle of doing something then went and shouted at her until she sat down with me for a few minutes. Why, you might ask, didn't I just pick a quiet time so that I wouldn't have to shout? Well, I reason that when she's quiet she wants to snuggle. When she's busy, she obviously doesn't mind conversation. She did moan about being interrupted, but I know it's only a save face gesture really.

I sat on her, then I lay down, then I rolled to my back and made her rub my yummy tummy. This was just to make sure she couldn't move, you understand (they do have a bad habit of getting up and walking away right as you're in the middle of telling them something). "Human," I said sternly, "You have a mummypeople. Why didn't you tell me!" She didn't answer my question. She only said, "what else do you want? I'm tickling you already!" I tried again and again, but it wasn't until later when she'd fed her stomach monster that she really got listening to me. I won't go through the whole conversation. It's full of too many boring people words. Let me summarise for you.

The human does indeed have a mummypeople. It seems strange to think of her being a kitten. She says she's not any more, and tried to explain it as being similar to my relationship with Mummycat. Even though Mummycat still looks at me as a kitten, it doesn't mean I am. So this Mummypeople of hers is very far away at the moment. The human says she's travelling the world for a year. A year? What in the world takes her so long? I mean, it's not as if it's miles or anything. I travel my world in about ten seconds flat at an all out run. Peoples are so slow compared to us, aren't they?

But there was one even more important area to clear up. The three cat siblings. The human got a funny look on her face when I asked her about this and just laughed. She says her mummypeople really used to tease her about the cats. They got two kittens when the human was only a half-grown kitten herself. She didn't like cats back then. I stopped her here. Didn't like cats? I'm sorry, but I can't believe that. I called her out on her lie, but she maintains that it was true. Dishonest human!

Anyway, back to these kittens. they were named Nelson and Peaches, boy and girl, except that Nelson turned out to be Peaches and Peaches Nelson. See? They can't even get smart enough to sex us propperly! Imagine the indignity of being a mancat with a name like Peaches! He sorted this out though. The human says he was a terror. He knew she didn't like him and would deliberately go out of his way to get in her face. Nelson was timid and mostly just hid. Peaches unfortunately had a fight with a car which he didn't win, and Nel got to be very old before she just didn't wake up from a sleep.

The human says that after Peaches left, her mummypeople got Flossy-Jane who was even worse than Peaches! She bit and scratched everyone, attacked from under chairs and everything. The mummypeople just loved her all the more because of it. Strangely, the only one she was nice to was the human even though she didn't like her. Knowing that the human didn't, her mummypeople used to tease her about the cats being her brother and sisters. Boy did she hate that!

I have to admit, I hated the thought of her having other cats. I'm her one and only! Do you hear me, world? Her one and only!

Now, this last message is for the mummypeople. Mummypeople, in the nicest, politest way possible, I need to tell you that you are not my grandma, well, kind of not. The human isn't my mummycat, you see, and if she isn't my mummycat, you can't be my grandma. However, this empty bowl does have a fishy lining. I like the fact that you hinted you might adopt one of my babycats. The human says you love the cats who own you very, very much, so we know the baby would have a great home with you. Because of that, I like you, and because of that I will agree to call you HG (human grandma). This is only on the condition though that it doesn't make the human start thinking that she can boss me around like a kitten and actually expect me to start obeying her as though she was a mummycat. Isn't it enough that I don't bite her good when she brushes my yummy tummy? I don't know what else she wants, but I don't want her getting a false sense of her own importance either. If you are happy with that arrangement, then HG, I welcome you to my world. Now, stop being so slow, travel the rest of your world at a run, then come to mine with treats and food and mousies and belly rubs and, oh, did I mention treats? I'd even let you cuddle me and everything!

Disclaimer: I am not in the least bit shallow, and my affections are not transparent. They cannot be bought with treats alone... Chicken and fish are also a requirement of contract.