It's back, it's back, it's back! Oh boy, it's back! Friends, what with being sick and being on nurse duty and travelling to see our new house, I haven't really thought much about Tortureshell lately. I've just been too busy. I've felt a bit guilty about this. After all, we torties have a reputation of tortitude to uphold, and I wasn't doing my part! I'm ashamed to admit it, but there you have it. I hope my catnip valentines won't see me lose too much face with that admission. Honest, it won't happen again!
After realising how long it had been since I had a tortureshell, I decided that enough was enough. No more mister nice-Tia. The human was well and I was getting better, so the timing was perfect! But what to do? I'd done the poo on the sofa. I'd done the killing of iPod man, I'd even done the no no of walking on the kitchen worktops. So what was left? This took some serious thought.
As I was engaged in thinking, I started to wander around the room, to assess the possibilities if you will. On my way, I walked past a few plastic bags. Casually I had a sniff, then very quickly, a very uncasual one. What could I smell in there? It couldn't be catnip, could it? If so, then why had the human hidden it from me! Then I remembered.
Do you remember way back on our 100th post that the human said she'd like to do a toy exchange? Well, she's got the stuff now. She'd been picking some up over the last few months, but wanted to be very sure that Mr Bug had long left us before we sent anything to anybody. We didn't want him taking a trip in the package too, as he's a very nasty house guest. Well, yesterday she decided to sort everything out, so she got it all out of the cupboard and sorted it into piles. Then she put each pile in a bag and tucked it away in a corner until the last of the things came in the post for sorting.
I'd seen her sorting, friends, and I knew there was catnip, but I'd decided that it wouldn't be polite to play with other friends' toys before they got them, so I'd left them alone. But as I sniffed that bag, curiosity got the better of me. Surely it wouldn't hurt just to have one more peep, would it? I needed to remember everything that was in there, after all. I stuck out a paw and pulled the bag open... And the smell of it hit me. Catnip, catnip, catnip! There were so many things in there, and all of them were my favourites! Surely it wouldn't hurt if I played with just one of them, would it?
For a long time, I waged war with myself, then I decided. Quick as a wink, I darted into the bag and stole a toy. I'm not telling you which one cuz that would spoil the surprise for those getting the parcels. I played with it real good, but I knew there was more left in those bags. I just couldn't resist.
I won't go into details about what happened next. It's too embarrassing. What I will tell you is what the human found when she came home. The first thing she knew about it was when she stepped on something soft. She immediately jerked her foot back, fearing that she might have hurt something, but all she found when she reached down was a... Ahah, good try, but I'm still not telling! With every step, she found something else. I'd been so vigorous in my play that I'd spread toys everywhere, and I do mean everywhere, and was blissed out in the middle of the floor in a sun puddle. Ah, what fun I had! The human was laughing so much that she couldn't even propperly tell me off.
It took her ages to find all the toys, but she managed in the end, and then had to sort them out all over again. But there was one thing she couldn't find, and I don't mind telling you what that is. It's my catnip chicken. you remember I told you about him? Well they're very hard to get, but my human had managed to find just one of them for the parcels we're sending off. as she'd done with the other toys, she'd taken him off the card he comes on. Shipping to the US is very expensive, and based on weight and size, so she did this with all the toys so that it wouldn't cost a stupid amount to get them there). She'd filled Mr Chicken's tummy with the nip already. It comes in a little tub which would have broken open in the post. Now, I love Mr Chicken, I really do. He's my wrasslin buddy. Next to ping pong balls and dangly toys, he's probly my favourite, so when I found him in the bag, I just couldn't leave him alone. I bit him, I chewed him, I bunnykicked him. I'm sad to say that I even drooled on him. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it! It's a love thing, Ok? The human was cross at this. Mr Chicken is really difficult to find, and now I'd ruined him. But he's so tough that I hadn't done any damage even with all my kicking. The human has this stuff called coloidal silver which is medically proven to kill all bacteria. She washed him in this and then washed him in medical grade alcohol gel to make sure. She's going to include him in the parcel anyway even though I've been playing with him, but only because it's my absolute favourite and she can't find another one. The whole point of the exchange was to swap lots of favourite toys that you could get in your country, so that we could see the difference in the two places we live. This one is going to Amy and the gang, so Amy, please accept my apologies. I couldn't help it, I really couldn't. When the human found him, I was cuddling him up against my tummy on the floor, so he's probly gonna smell of me too. If you don't want to use him after I've had him, I'll totally understand, but the human's made sure that he doesn't carry infection, so you should be Ok. She says she feels a bit terrible even putting him in, but we really want you to have a mr chicken so that all the cats can play with him. I told her not to worry cuz other cats don't mind drool and the fact that it's been used before, but she doesn't agree. Please don't feel like you have to use it. We won't be offended!
So that was my Tortureshell, and boy was it great fun! Even though I have toys of my own, a lot of which are the same as the ones in the bag, there's something about playing with forbidden fruit that makes the game all that much better. Wouldn't you agree?
Today the human has put the toys in the spare room and closed the door on them so that I can't get them. I'm not happy about this!