Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Finally Scafflaw!

I can see now why the human has been doing everything in her power to stop me posting this. It's not nice to let everyone else in on the fact that you break rules, is it, human? But you've done yourself no favours. Taking me to the vet was a low blow in the war against Scafflaw, so I'm going to town on you. For all the rest of you, head on over to Fin's blogto read all about Scafflaws.

Rule 1: Tia should have wet food at least as often as you do. Once a day is not enough.

She flouts this one on a daily basis, and with very little care for the damage it does me. I mean, how am I supposed to become soft and cuddly without all those extra helpings? What's that you say? My huge fur makes me soft and cuddly anyway? Rubbish. Just think of how much more I could be with some extra food.

The human eats wet food at least three times a day, and what's more, she doesn't share! The night before last she was eating fish. It was still warm from the oven, just the way I liked it, so I politely stepped onto her knee, with the front paws only of course given that this is the propper polite way to eat, and dropped my head to the plate. She pushed me away! Undeterred, I tryed again, but this time she actually tapped my nose. Oh, the indignity of it! How can she be such a hipoocrite? And yes, I'm putting hippo there on purpose, because that's what she'll turn into if she keeps on like that. Human, I'm the one who needs to be soft and cuddly, not you. Now, share!

Rule 2: Dogs were made for swatting. You shall not tell Tia off when she follows the rule to the letter like a good cat>

I don't even know where to start with this one. I was following the rule so well that she didn't even realise what I was up to. Now that's skill! But then, stupid Dogman had to go and tell her. The arm of the sofa is a prime position to smack Molly as she walks past, but Dogman saw me do it. Now that he's told her, she watches for it all the time. I was on her knee yesterday while hoover lady and the other people who likes Molly were over. Molly was doing her usual attention grab, but as she walked past, I'd had enough. After all, I wasn't getting the attention. I reached out and smacked her good. But horror of horrors, the human, in return, swatted me! It didn't hurt. She doesn't have it in her to hurt even a stupid dog never mind a perfect cat, but I was so surprised that I leapt straight off her knee. To be honest, I half jumpd, half fell, but leapt sounds so much better, doesn't it? I dropped into the abject "I'm pretending I know I've done something wrong" pose then. This one always gets me cuddles and reassurance and treats, but as stupid dogbreath was in a "uh-oh, I'm a bit scared and am not sure if I can walk there any more" position, she got all the fuss. This was a major, major rule break, and probably worthy of a post all of its own! I should do the swatting, not the human, and especially not when I don't deserve it!

Rule 3: Whenever I miaow, you stop what you're doing, come to me, pick me up and cuddle me. Even if I miaow to get your attention then run away, you chase me, pick me up, then cuddle me.

She's mostly pretty good at this, except for at night time. I sing beautifully, especially at night. I'm only practicing Dogman's song for me, but I'll tell you more about that in another post. Anyway, I always miaow when I'm coming up onto the bed. I expect at best to be picked up so that I don't have to go through the effort of jumping before I flop on the blankets, or at worst, for her to show her need for my company by calling me. In the daytime, as soon as I miaow she's there, but at night, she'd much rather sleep than talk to me. This is unacceptable. I mean, why should I have to jump to get on the bed? It's a bit much to expect.

Rule 4: I am the most beautiful and deserve all of the attention.

I don't care if there is a really cute human kitten in the house. I don't care if the dog rolls over to show you her tummy. I don't care if the TV is really good. I am the prettiest, and whenever I so much as move, no, whenever I breathe even, I deserve fusses and nice words and, most importantly, wet food! My human is good at cuddling, but she still doesn't meet the expectations of this rule. Nor does anybody, really. Sure, when they come into the house, they usually comment on how pretty I am, but they spoil it by doing the same to the dog, then cuddling her lots, and all because she can wag her tail and bounce at them and pant a lot. Well, if it takes sinking to that level to get attention, I'll pass, thank you very much. I'm far too sophisticated for that. And no, I do not lick my human because I like her. It's called social grooming! Headbutts are a greeting, not a demand for attention. And miaowing? I've told you already, I'm practicing my Dogman song.

Rule 5: You shall not ever, ever laugh at me, no matter what I do.

Oh, my human fails miserably on this. In fact, she breaks it multiple times in a day. She'll laugh at me when I'm chasing a ping pong ball. It's a serious business, as I'm sure Whicky would agree. That ball needs to be caught, and as it's constantly running away from me, I don't really see it as a laughing matter! I don't know what she finds funny about it. She says it's the way I sprint after it, then get all confused with trying to run and catch it and grab it and roll over with it and kick it all at the same time. I turn into a confused bundle of flying fur and legs that goes nowhere and achieves nothing apparently. Well, if you'll believe that, you'll believe anything. I'm just following procedure. Everything would run smoothly if the blasted ball would stop running away for just a second.

She laughed really hard at me the other night, too. Her and Dogman had put the TV on. I've said before that the human doesn't do this all that often, and usually when it's on, I'm cuddling her. however, I'd just finished catching a ping pong ball and ended up in front of the screen. I was still in hunting mode, and there, suddenly, was a bird! Well, I dived. The human wants to give you a word picture for this, so here's her paragraph.

Out of the blue, Tia launched herself at the screen, except that it wasn't the typical launch. Instead of diving, she stood on her two back legs, while the two front paws, claws out, made futile swiping and grabbing gestures at the innocent birdie. She appeared thoroughly confused when her claws only met smoothe glass, and dropped back to study the screen intently. Then she was off again, except that this time, she was almost bouncing on those back legs. She was trying to grab the bird between her front paws as she does with the balls, but she just kept slipping off the screen and bouncing back. As soon as I started to laugh, Dogman as she calls him told me she turned around, gave me a confused, then disgusted look, peeped back at the TV, then strolled with massive and obviously pretend nonchalance away from it as though she wasn't interested anyway.

Human, for the last time, you are not allowed to laugh at me! Never, ever!

In other news, hoover lady told the human that the kittens are doing well. They're actually seeking homes for them now because they've become so friendly. They took another mummycat to the vet yesterday to have the babies taken from her tummy and made so that she couldn't get pregnant any more, but when they went to let her out, she just stood by the door and cried and scratched to get back inside. Hoover lady was surprised, but let her back. As soon as she went in, she headed straight for the babies, pulled them all to her and lay down. She's feeding some of the youngest babies, but when they took her, hoover lady said she didn't have any kittens with her. She's wondering if some of the kittens in the shed belonged to that mummycat in the first place. Even if they didn't though, it's good they have a new mummycat to look after them and give them milk.

That's enough from me for today. I need to watch the human for signs of more rule breaking.


KC said...

Wow, Tia, you meow it like it is.
Way to go.
Love & Purrs,

Tia said...

Gotta be done, KC, gotta be done. You gotta keep the peoples in their place, after all.

Ming said...

All these rules make you seem like people with fur!
Maybe there's something to this Scafflaw business I'm not understanding, but if so I'm not sure I want to understand it. I'm a kitten, not a people.
I don't get wet food like you do, Tia, but I've tried tuna a couple of times and I find it's very tasty. That was awhile ago though...first I get put in a box, then I have the worst two days of my life, and now I think my people hates me. Collars, small rooms, big things that make lots of noise, stinky wet stuff on carpets...what's the world coming to? Can I expect this for the rest of my life? Maybe I should start setting some rules to live by. Hmm...

Tia said...

Babycat, it's important that you start setting rule.s If you don't, the peoples are confused, directionless and dreadfully unhappy, not to mention unheeding of your need for wet food, tuna and cuddling! You need to start young, get them used to your requirements when they still think you're way too cute to say no to, even when you're not trying very hard! The longer you wait, the harder it'll be for you.


Noll's Nip said...

GASP! She PUSHED you away. Oh MY Cod!!!!

Everycat said...

Classy work Tia, it's very important to bring your human into line by outing these appalling lapses in discipline. She is indeedy scoffing at your laws. Shame on her.

Deep respect to you

Whicky Wuudler

Fin said...

Wow the things you have to deal with! Thanks for playing!

Tia said...

Noll, it was indeed cod! I still haven't forgiven her. And yes, it was my cod... Hehe.

Mishkat said...

Tia, we agree - we think humans are the biggest rule-breakers! We have lots of rules for our humans too and they are always ignoring them. Keep on trying to train your human - we know what a frustrating process that can be.

XXX from the Mishkat cats

P.S. We left you a comment below about Tortureshell Tuesday :)