Tortureshell... Wednesday?

What! No getting on my case! I was sick yesterday, Ok? I had to get my energy back together before I embarked on a Tortureshell, so this one's a bit late.

Me and the human have been sleeping an awful lot, and so has stupid Dogface. The human says that it's normal to sleep when you're recovering from something that's been hard on the body. I tell her that we cats sleep all the time anyway. We understand the merrits of minimum effort for maximum gain far better than any other species, but I suppose she has a point when it comes to her and Dogface.

The human would like to commend the idea of vomiting all over unhelpful, nasty bean vets (apparently that's what peoples vets are called). Actually, I might employ the technique myself when I next go to the real vet. It disgusted the human when I almost vomited on her foot when I was sick, so if I get it on the vet lady or man peoples, it's sure to work good! Thank you so, so much for the new weapon in my arsenal against disgusting vets!

I've discovered a new game which is very, very fun. As I've said, i've been slepeing a lot, but when I do propperly wake up, and I don't just mean that eyes half open stumble in the general direction of the food bowl to eat then flop down again kind of awake, the human describes me as manic. I run, I jump, I whap things, and this is where the new play idea comes in. I've always known that the human's feet are good to attack whenever they're under her blankets at sleepy time. However, I didn't realise that it would be fun to jump from the top of the bureaux right onto her feet, teeth and claws working intently, before springing off, diving under the bed and coming up on the other side. It's also fun to creep to the side of the bed where her back is, then lean back, take a good look up. There's an art to this next bit. You have to pick your target with care. It must be somewhere that will cause maximum shock value for the human, but not close enough that she can grab you with the mummycat scruff move that makes you go limp and still before she tells you off. Mine was her bum.

You also have to make sure that you're on and off that bed at lightning speed so that your peoples will wonder just what exactly hit them. Accordingly, and with this in mind, I crouched, leapt, and landed.

It went as spectacularly as I'd hoped it would, actually, maybe a bit more spectacularly. I landed right on target, front paws planted squarely, claws out, right on that huge bum of hers. Just to molify the peoples readers, I'm not being rude about her bum, but when you're my size, it is huge whatever way you look at it.

The blanket was thinner than usual (we were washing the old one to help Mr Bug on his way, and we had our old old one on the bed instead), so my claws sank in perhaps a little deeper than they strictly needed to for the desired effect. I jumped back as she came out of a light doze with a shriek of mingled shock and outrage. Quick as a wink, she whipped her hand under that blanket and... Well, I was off that bed very quickly. She'd helped me on my way! How dare she!

I jumped to the top of the bureaux where I know I'm not allowed (it's one small step from there to the window and then to pulling the curtains down... Can you tell I've had experience in these important matters?), and just as she was half rising to get me off there, I launched the second attack. Her feet were my goal, and I got 'em! With another shriek, her foot got me. Again, for the sake of clarification, the human never hurts me. She doesn't even come close. When her foot got me, it nudged me off the bed, but the indignity of it hurt enough that I feel the need to tell you about it! For the second time, I found myself on the floor, and not by my own design!I hoped, as I landed, that she wasn't starting to get it into her head that she had a right to dictate what went on in that bed, and that if she didn't like it, she could just kick me off. The nerve of some peoples!

I contented myself with running around the sleep room really, really fast. The human says I was almost bouncing off the walls, but really I was doing a lightning quick scan to find the next best place to launch an attack from. I decided on the side of the bed, and prepared to launch my best attack yet.

I crouched. I tensed my jump muscles. I twitched the tip of my tail for good measure. Then I sprang. The human whipped around in the bed, and I miaowed. I stood perfectly still. Nothing happened. I miaowed again. Slowly, her hand came towards me. Even more slowly, it began to tickle my chest, just the way I like it. I moved closer, now purring. Then I suddenly let my legs go, flopped on my back, grabbed her hand in my front paws and pretended I was going to bite it. I only cuddled it, but I made her jump all the same. My attack was finished by me wriggling in against her warm tummy, stretching my paws above my head, and giving her the tiniest little kitten is lonely miaow all mixed up with a purr. This combined with the yummy tummy on such prominent display was too much for her and she started to tickle.

I was victorious, and I knew it. Not only was I getting a tummy rub, but I was also lulling her into a false sense of security. This means that next time I jump on the bed, her foot won't get me before I get it, because she'll always wonder if I might be coming for cuddles. You've gotta keep 'em guessing, folks, even when you and they are ill! Some of you may think it's cruel for me to pick on the human this way when she's sick, but just look at the reaction I got. She went from sleepy to wide awake, and she didn't even need any stinky medicine to do it! Sometimes, you gotta take nursing to the next level.

Ah, Tortureshells. Don't ya just love 'em?