I have so many tortureshells to talk about this week that I don't even know where to begin!
There's my human, for one. She's gotten really bad at writing down my dictations. I still talk to her every day, but whereas before she was an attentive secretary, lately, she's turned into nothing but a lazy lay-about. It's been four whole days since my last post, and she's only doing it tonight cuz I guilted her into thinking that I'd lose all my friends if she didn't start blogging for me again.
Then there's the Soft-Claws/Paws. They're the same thing really, sept one is marketted at Dogfaces and the other at cats. Thanks to all of you who suggested peoples for my human to talk to. In typical human fashion, she didn't contact them. She says she just didn't get round to doing it, but that doesn't mean she isn't grateful for the advice anyway.
The Soft-Claws arrived on Saturday. I'm not going to go into too much detail about what they are right now and how they look,etc, cuz I'm planning to do that later on when a problem has been resolved. When the human put these things on me, she made a new rule.
Rule 2 gazillion. you shall not use your teeth to remove these from your claws. I am putting them on to give your poor neck a chance to heal. Respect the fact that I'm doing this for your own good, for once.
For my own good? She said the vet peoples were poking and prodding me and stealing my unmentionable for my own good, but I don't see what great stuff that got me other than a couple of days in a horrible jail that stank of the other sick cats around me! So having caps put on my claws, even if they were comfortable, was not my idea of a great thing! Accordingly, as soon as she turned her back (well, actually, left for the work hunt) I set to work with my teeth. I managed to get three of them off by the time she came home, and then another one before the night was out. I don't know why my human is suggesting that's a tortureshell. I think it's pretty good going, myself. The human wasn't impressed. She got a people to come over this morning and help her fit me back up with them. The problem is that they're too big though. The company sent me the wrong size. If you're going to have things on your claws, they should at least be the correct size, right? So rather than being a tortureshell, I'm staging a protest against inappropriate sizing. Is the fact that they're too big my human suggesting that she thinks I'm fatter than I actually am? I'll not stand for that!
As well as being busy with her job, my human has been having tortureshell problems of her own. The job has taken a turn for the worse, and someone in the block of apartments we live in has been opening the human's post and taking packages delivered to us. She caught them at it tonight, and has called the police again, so hopefully this time, something will be done. I get punished for Tortureshelling, so why shouldn't this nasty man people and his lady people! This has been getting the human down a lot. She says she likes to be cheerful when she blogs so that she can give other peoples a piece of the smile she's feeling, so she hasn't wanted to write lately cuz she doesn't want to give peoples a piece of the frown instead.
We have brighter news though. We won! The animals over at Marg's Placesaved all of their allowances for ages and ages so that they could offer a prize... And I won! It's a gift certificate for the coolest toy shop ever! As soon as we sort out the details, I'm gonna get my human to order 251 of each thing that they've got, just for me! Marg's Animals, I hope you didn't have to sacrifice too much of your yummy foods allowance to get this for me. Thank you lots and lots and lots!
We have other good news too. The nice peoples at Soft Paws and ClawsAre giving us some things to do an absolutely pawesome give away. Every week from now until Christmas, this blog will be giving one lucky reader the chance to win a six month supply of Soft-Claws. You can choose the colour and size to suit, and, provided peoples from other countries will help with postage costs, they can enter too! Please spread the word. Soft Claws do lots of things like prevent scratching of the furniture (Ok, the human says this is a good thing, but personally, I think that sofas don't look their best until they've had a good claw raking). They also stop you scratching at your, ahem, collar and neck, not that I'd ever, ever do a thing like that, nuh uh, not me! They prevent injuries if you are fighting with your family members all of the time, which is worth it even if all it does is stop your peoples squalking at you that you should stop before you make the loser bleed! They mean that you can play with peoplekittens and old peoples too without hurting them by accident. You won't want these if you meet other cats outside though. Those, you do want to make bleed if they get on your turf, and Soft Claws will stop you from doing that. They might actually win the fight then cuz they have an unfair advantage. Guess what though? They don't blunt your teeth! Hah!
I feel the need to say that Soft Claws are absolutely not a fashion statement, even if they do come in funky colours. They're not the equivalent of false nails either. A lot of people think they're cruel cuz they appear unnecessary and frivellous. My human an dI tell things as they are, even if the peoples at the company are really nice, so trust us when we say they're not in the least bit cruel or nasty. An inconvenience yes, and something to be rebelled against, definitely, but not cruel. They serve a very specific purpose. They're quite comfy too, and the best bit is that I can still scratch on everything like my scratching post. I'm mostly making a fuss just as a token gesture of tortitude. Can't have the human thinking she's won after all, can I!
I'm going to make this first week easy. Each week I'll ask you to do a different thing, but from now until next Wednesday, please go and look at the Soft Paws and Claws websiteThen come back here and leave a comment. Tell us what size and colour you'd like and one good reason why you'd like Soft Claws. The contest will close at midnight GMT on 30 November. Winners will be announced in the new weekly feature, Wednesday Winners!
Good luck to you all. Get clawing!