Tortureshell Tuesday: Santa Paws and Competition

Well, today should be Tortureshell Tuesday, but in light of the Santa Paws approach, I categorically refuse to admit to anything at all which might be seen as naughty. Perhaps this in itself is a Tortureshell though, cuz, let's face it, every cat should be doing something less than agreeable in their people's eyes. It's all part of the training and teaches them never to think that they are coming close to training us, or to encourage the common misconception among peoples, the human included, that they own us.





The human had to give me another horrible bath today, and it was all her fault. She's been putting this horrid, nasty stuff in my ears. Honestly, I'd swear sometimes they have no more sense than a kitten. They do have the unfortunate ability to pick you up and hold you still no matter how much you struggle though.





I compare this episode to a kitten's irrepressible urge to see what will happen when they do a certain thing; the action reaction principle. Bite mummy's tail once too often and you'll get a swat. Stick your face in your food and you'll have a dirty face and no dinner for your troubles. Put ear cleaner in a cat's ears and you'll have... a cat covered in the stuff and ears which are no cleaner. The human tried it for a day, but it was so oily that every time I shook my head it all came out and covered my poor face and ears. Oh, it was awful stuff. Imagine having a perpetually wet face, for that is what it feels like when you have fur matted with horrid oil. I kept shaking my head to try and rid myself of it. I was miserable. I didn't want cuddles or interaction or anything really. What's more, the oil irritated my skin and I got to scratching so much that I was pulling lumps of my beautiful fur out. At that point the human had had enough, and in the bath I went.





For once, I didn't mind it. I knew it would rid me of the horrible oil, but having water put on your face, then horrible smelly foamy stuff is no more pleasant than the oil. Even though I knew the purpose, I still shouted at her. In fact, I even burst into a bit of operatic song too. I was simply celebrating the release from the ear cleaner, but I knew that, to the human, it would sound like I was dying a thousand painful, slow deaths. I was hoping to tug on her heartstrings and get something nice. It worked, but not quite as well as I'd hoped.





Today, the human had a little help to go shopping, and she came back with a bag that smelled very, very interesting. I got very excited. I wanted to see what the contents were, but as soon as I started to explore, she took it from me and hid it in the kitchen, a place I'm not allowed sept when the human's in there. By singing, I hoped she would feel so sorry for me that she'd give me the interesting things from the bag, but she didn't. She says they're for our Santa Paws, but she did give in and reveal that she bought me some things too. I have her so well trained that she says she couldn't imagine looking at all the nice things in the shop and buying some for another cat and not for me. For once, human, you show a glimmer of sense! I got tuna for my pains, which isn't so bad. Even though we have stinky goodness in the house now, she says I can finish off this tin of tuna before she opens that. I'm not really complaining.





Tori/Ushi, Santa Paws is a super event like the peoples version of Secret Santa only for more important persons like cats. Dogfaces like you are included too. My human says she's sorry that you didn't know about it, cuz it would have been nice for you to get involved too. She says we can do Secret Santa with you if you like, even though it won't be very secret cuz you know who's telling Santa Paws what you want. Still, at least you can get presents that way.





Catnip Crew, I will take your advice to heart, or rather, to bottom, and begin to sit on her keyboard so she can't type. I'm sick of her ignoring me! Amy, I don't mind sharing my tuna with you and your friends, but please can you leave some for me? Also, you're featuring us in Friends on Friday? Wow, that's terriffic! Thank you very much! She sent the job application thing to another people today who she says will read it, then send it to more peoples to read so they can decide if she's good enough. So time wasteful to do it that way, and if the amount she's written is any indicator, she's good enough to run the world! Puss-Puss, are you sure about Santa Paws not minding? I know the human version seems to care, so I don't wanna take any chances. Praline, thank you for the advice on the package! Hestorb, I am so glad you appreciate the gravity of the situation. It's nice of you to offer to share in my torture, very brave and noble. I'll tell the human to get out another bowl. Welcome to hell! Karen, so nice of you to drop by, and I'm glad you'll be returning! The human says she has a mothersister, an auntie she calls her, with the same name as yours, only hers is spelled Caron. Don't tell, but it's spelled funny cuz the mummypeople and the daddypeople liked the sound but didn't know the letters for it! Silly peoples.





our competition for Soft Claws ends tonight, so don't forget to enter! See last Wednesday's post for details. you only have a few hours left! Remember, tell us something naughty about the website, then something naughty you've done, and finally what colour and size of Soft Claws you'd like. Good luck! Now, I'm off to tuna torture. Coming?

Bad, Bad Human

She's doing that thing again, you know the one where she doesn't be a good secretary for me? That one. She says she's been stupidly busy all weekend, and has just been too tired to post. Rubbish, I say.


We've had an eventful weekend. Dogface got sick again. She had to go stay with the vet peoples on Saturday, and she's only just come home today. So it seems that Mr Bug is back. He's come to visit the human a little bit, but not me yet, thankfully. He obviously knows that if he did, I'd whap him good! So he avoids me.


The human has also been doing more of the papers that she calls job applications. They seem to take a very, very long time to complete. It makes me mad that she spends so much time writing on papers that I can't see the point of, yet she won't give me ten minutes a day to write a post! She says that she's looking ahead to the future, that she's trying to make it better for us. I find this hard to believe. With such a limited capacity as peoples have, I'm of the opinion that it would tax their brains too much to try and predict the future, but they will insist on trying, silly things. She says if she gets any of these jobs, we can move to a new house, but how exactly this is supposed to be better, I don't know. She says it brings her closer to her old friends, but all that means for me is less lap time. I'm not sure I'm keen on that idea.


One thing I am keen on though is Santa Paws. I got my person who I'm giving stuff to today, and me and the human are very, very excited. We've started shopping already! We have a question though. when you send off your gift, are you sposed to put something in there that tells the person who you are, or does it stay a secret for ever and ever and ever? I ask cuz I don't want to do something naughty... Gotta be nice to make sure you get gifts from Santa Paws, after all!


Hey, have you noticed my side bar? Clowder helped me put up lotsa goodies called site counters. They're one of the few peoples invensions that I can see a use for. They let us see how many of you come to see us every day, and that's pretty neat, isn't it?


We're all out of stinky goodness too. The human ordered some ages and ages and ages ago, but when the parcel came today, it had everything in it that we ordered sept the foods. I'm very upset about this, but nowhere near as angry as the human. She's furious, and has written to ask the company why they didn't send it. Good human. It's acceptable, even encouraged, to get righteously angry when my foods don't turn up. Ah well, guess it's more tuna tonight instead. how shall I manage! I don't know, but manage I shall. Somehow.


Until tomorrow. I don't know if I'll have a Tortureshell though. Too risky if I wanna be sure of getting gifts. I'll bide my time till January. Um, I mean I'll never have a Tortureshell again, Mr Santa. Never!

Snow Day

It's crazy here. There's white stuff everywhere, and it often looks like the sky is falling apart. It comes down in huge flurries just like rain does, only this stuff seems to float on the wind instead of falling. The human came in from taking Dogface for a pee today and there was some in her hair. I didn't show any interest. To be honest, I didn't want to get close to it. If it's bits of sky, then it must be very heavy, and I don't want to risk one of them falling on me accidentally.





The human says we have over four inches of white sky on the ground now. She still can't go to the work hunt. I was worried about this as it could mean no foods for me until she told me that she'd just ordered some more which might arrive tomorrow, and that the work hunt would still give her moneys even though she was at home cuz she couldn't travel in because of the white sky falling. I'll never understand peoples. I mean, I'm glad they're giving her the moneys cuz we need them for food and tuna and ping pong balls and catnip and, I suppose, for human stuff too, but why are they giving her moneys when she didn't even hunt anything for them? It makes no sense at all. That's like someone having a ping pong ball and not playing with it. It's mind boggling!





She's been working on the text of a website today, so there's been a lot of tippy-tapping. She's made time for snuggling with me though, so I can't complain too much. She even gave me nip today, but she put it on the carpet instead of letting me eat it out of her hand like I usually do. I was a bit nonplused and just stared at it. What, did she think I was going to turn into Dogface and eat it off the carpet? I don't think so! "But Tia," she said, "You're supposed to roll around in it and get all excited and stuff." Roll around? I've never rolled in nip before in my life, sept that fresh plant she brought home and when I did that, she complained about me squishing it and killing it. Honestly, she never seems to be able to make up her mind!





I was reading about Herman's nip ball today. I've never had one, but I think it's something I should have. The human says she's never heard of them either. If you ask me, that's a lame excuse. Just cuz she doesn't know what it is or where to get it doesn't mean it's Ok for me to be deprived, does it!





Speaking of toys, we're going to order our things for Santa Paws soon. The human is very excited about this. Half of me is, cuz we get to give toys to other cats and show them what we have in England, and part of me isn't, cuz, whatever way you look at it, it's hard to see that many nip toys go somewhere else when they've been in your house. I'm sure nobody would mind if I tested a few of them out, right?





In response to some comments, Kassey, I sure do have catitude, in fact, I've got tortitude! If you look carefully, you should see the tortie on my face and feet and tail. I'm not sure how well it's come out in the photo though. For the most part, I pretend I don't have tortitude so that the human thinks she's trained me. Trained! Laughable, isn't it? Every now and again though, it comes bursting out of me, and I just can't keep it hidden enough when I have photos taken, which is why you and your people spotted it! I'd love to show you my white sky, but the human doesn't have anyone here with a flashy box and working eyes to take a picture for her. It's a pity, as she says it would probably be a beautiful sight. It's all piled up on our grass outside.





Catnip Lounge crew, did you perplex your people in the end by sleeping in strange spots? I hope you did. What fun! Tori, thanks for the suggestion about the counter. Clouder, I have to apologise for my human who, once again, has been slow. She says she promises to email you tonight, but we need to know if the address you gave us is the one you want added to our blog? We still love the idea of a counter!





Ok, that's all from me. It's Dogface's time to go out in the white sky again. I'm glad she gets to freeze in place of me!

White Wednesday Winners and New Competition

With all of the snow we've been having over here, I couldn't have a Wednesday and not mention the fact that outside, everything is white! It's strange to look at. Usually I can snoopervise buildings, cars, even trees, but today everything is just white and then some white bumps. The human says the snow comes from the sky, but this doesn't make sense either. The sky isn't white, so when it falls, why does it make everything down here that colour? Even when she explained that it was frozen water, I had to just shake my head. Water is clear, not white. I didn't say anything though. I think she's making these mistakes on accounta her eyes being broken, and it wouldn't be polite to scough at her stupidity when it actually has a reason this time. I'd be interested on your theories of why everything is white outside though.


I'm still not being as cuddly as usual, but I've put the human's mind at ease a little bit as I thought that she was getting a might too worried over my game. It's definitely going to be a slow road for her. Anyway, she sat on a different seat than normal today, and as soon as she did that, I jumped up beside her and didn't move for a whole half an hour. This isn't to say that my game has stopped. It hasn't, but this way I can add another facet as well as easing her mind. Before, I would only sit on our blue sofa. I didn't like the big one. The human decided that she'd join me there. Now I'm going to pretend that I like the big one better, and refuse to sit on the blue one. oh, it's so much fun to keep them guessing! I'm going to ask Praline and Whicky both to post a picture of me on the blue sofa for today's post, just so that you can see my eyes and my nice floof which admittedly perhaps wasn't the floofiest ever in this shot. Still though, you can see my colours, and my favourite sofa. It might take them a little while to post, so keep checking back, as pictures are somewhat of a rarity on here!


Now, on to the news that I know you've all been waiting for. Yes, I've heard you muttering that I should stop waffling and get on with the show. As this is important, I'll let you off and pretend I didn't notice.


Competition winner! Could someone please provide a drum roll? Dogface is thumping her tail already, but that isn't good enough for me. So, here goes. We assigned each comment a number then used random.org to pick one of them. That means that the person who won is.......... Bell! Her people Chloe left the comment for her, and it turns out that poor Bell doesn't even have a blog yet! I had some words with her about the role of a good pet, so hopefully she'll start listening more to Bell in future and we'll see her musings up here shortly! In any case, congratulations to Bell and her people pet on winning the first week of the Soft Paws and Claws competition! I'm so sorry to all of those who entered and weren't so lucky. Please don't give up though. There are four more chances to win. Wouldn't it be great if you all got a packet?


There's nothing stopping you entering a competition a second time even if you have won the week before, but we ask that you only do this if you need the Soft Paws and Claws because of green papers problems. In that way, everybody gets a chance to win.


Today is the day that I open week two of the competition. Last week was easy, but each time it'll get a teeny wee bit harder. If you don't know a lot about Soft Paws and Claws, please have a look at my original post from last week.

The human has asked me to do a Christmas theme this time, as it's coming up soon and she's feeling festive. She's just finished her shopping, and cuz of all the white snow outside, she's in the Christmas mood. I thought I'd oblige. It's a small concession, so I have no fear that she will get above herself and think she has a right to demand things from me.


Anyway, the competition for this week. There's a Christmas song that I did a variation on on the way to the vet called Santa Claws is Coming to Town and in there they sing about peoples being naughty and nice. Well, forget the peoples. this is all about the cats. As Santa might be reading, we'll start with the naughty, then do the nice next week so that by the time he reads it, he'll have forgotten that any of us were ever naughty. not that I'm suggesting you'd forget anything, Santa. I'd not say that, cuz that would be naughty and I'm never naughty. I'm so good I deserve lotsa nip toys and tuna and ping pong balls for Christmas!


Ahem, where were we? For the naughty week, I'd like you to go back to the Soft Paws and Claws website and tell me something you don't like about it, i.e, something they've done which is naughty in your opinion, or at least, less than perfect. On top of that, I want you to tell me something you've done. The naughtier the better! If we get sufficient comments, we'll even devote a Tortureshell Tuesday post to this next week on the last day of the competition. Do feel free to tell me a naughty story even if you don't want to be entered in the competition. They will all give me ideas...


Finally, because my human's memory is terrible, let us know again what size and colour you want.


So, to recap:
1. Tell us something naughty/that you don't like about the Soft Paws and Claws website.
2. Tell us something very naughty that you did.
3. Tell us your size and colour preferences


Happy Wednesday to you all, and happy winning!

Tortureshell Tuesday: Playing Games

This is my favouritest thing in the world to do. I don't just mean the ordinary games where you kill the naughty feathers that the human makes bop you on the head. No, I mean the games that keep the human guessing all day long. I've mentioned a few of these before, but today's one really has her on edge.

Usually I like to be with the human, mainly to keep an eye on her and prevent her from getting into trouble or doing anything stupidly dangerous. Today though, I decided I'd had enough of her. When she sits down, I'll usually climb onto the sofa with her, but every time she's picked me up today I've jumped down and gone to lie quietly on the floor out of the way by the big windows.

You might say it's a bit mean of me, cuz I think the human thinks I might be getting sick again. Last time the first sign she had was that I stayed away from her, you see. She's disgusting enough to keep checking my bum every time I come out of the tray. She says she's looking for the evidence of runny poo. What is it with her and poo! She keeps wondering if my temperature is up, and is watching very closely to see if I start vomiting like I did last time. I'm keeping my cool though. I'm drinking lots and I'm eating well. As if I wouldn't eat!

It doesn't take much to have the human worried about me these days. If I'm too clingy, she worries that I might be sick, and if I stay away from her, the same. If I follow her all the time, she's concerned, if I don't, she asks if I'm all right. I can sort of understand it. I was pretty sick, and I know that if I was her, I wouldn't like the thought of losing me either, but honestly, this worry has to stop at some point. That's why I'm playing the game. Tomorrow I may well come back and sit with her and she'll realise that she was worried for nothing. Over time I hope that this desensitisation method will work and leave her much more stress free.

For now though, I'll keep her guessing. It's what she needs.

Our competition closes tonight, so if you haven't entered already, get commenting! We will pick the winner using random.org. May the best cat win!

Perplexing Peoples

I had planned today to continue my diatribe on the subject of toilets, and, while I still intend to do it, I've got more material than just that.

I think we might have mentioned the Hoover Lady was not coming back to the human's place any more to work with us. This meant that the human has had to go interviewing for a new hoover lady to come instead. It's hard work finding the right one, as she found out tonight.

The trouble started right as he walked in the door. He couldn't be another hoover lady cuz he wasn't a she. I pointed this out to the human, but she was too busy making polite talk noise with him, so didn't listen. It's not often that I take a dislike to peoples on sight. I'll do the propper thing and ignore them when they come in of course, but that's more my way of showing that I think it's disgusting that they usually go gaa-gaa over stupid Dogface first. Admittedly, she is barking and slobbering all over them while I'm staying well back and watching in a more dignified manner which perhaps could be seen as aloof, but that's no excuse. Even peoples should have the sense to say hello to cats first. I'll wait until they fight off the dogface, sit down and dry their hands of all her slobberstink before I will show my absolute superiority by walking onto the sofa next to them in a very quiet and gentle manner. I need no overt attention grabbing moves to ensure peoples love me!

Tonight was different though. As soon as Dogface saw the hoover lady replacement, she started growling, and it wasn't her usual growl either. This one meant business. Luckily, the human had thought to put her on her lead, so she couldn't get at him. Even when he'd sat down though, she made no attempt to come and greet him. I watched closely, but didn't like what I saw either. While he was in, I didn't once move from the arm of the sofa by the human, either to greet him or to go eat some of my foods.

The human has put in the job description that the ability to be comfortable with animals is a must. Even when Dogface was just doing her normal barking before she started growling, he seemed very nervous, and things only got worse when the human asked him about cats. he had lived with one, but get this. He expected him to hunt for a living! He only fed him very rarely, and even though he lived indoors, Hoover Lady replacement never once picked him up or cuddled him. That's outrageous! I can't believe that this replacement never even considered giving him tuna or cuddles! Luckily replacement's mum wasn't so harsh.

I'd had a chat with the human before the man people came, cuz I wanted to get my interview technique good and propper. She agreed that it must be a joint interview between the two of us, and to help proceedings along, I'd especially worked up a good case of the runny eyes. The human didn't clean it just to see if the replacement would notice. Even after prompting, he didn't say a thing about it. All he did was complain about the number of toys all over the place. That got him a massive thumbs down from me... If I had thumbs, I mean.

The human doesn't much like him either, so I guess his fate is sealed. Buh-bye, Replacement. We hardly knew ye... And I for one am glad of it!

So, on to more important things. Human toilet behaviour, part two. She must have been outraged by what I'd written yesterday, and perhaps she was just trying to prove a point, but late last night I heard what was akin to sweet music to my ears. I heard scratching from the box. It was the one in the bathroom rather than the one I'd had set up for her convenience in the living room, but still, you can't win 'em all, right? With baited breath and no small excitement I hot footed it into the bathroom to watch the human do her first propper toilet. What I first saw made me proud. She had a hand in the box and she was scratching around (human note: I use gloves and plastic bags. I have to scoop by hand to have a hope of finding the poo, but I'm hygienic, I promise!). On second sight, what I saw made me more than a little disgusted. She withdrew her hand, and my hopes with it, but that's not all she took from the box. In her clutches was, well, the same thing that the horrible vet peoples stole from me not so long ago. What on earth was she doing! I couldn't believe firstly that she would contaminate herself by touching it if she didn't have to, and secondly that she was exposing my scent to any lurking predators such as Dogface and the spider wand toy that always bops me on the head. Oh, and the feathers too. Didn't she realise the danger?

Frantically, I tried to communicate this to her, but she took no notice. What's more, there was worse to come. With absolute disbelief I watched her turn to her water bowl, open the cover that she puts on it, then drop my um, poopoo into the clean water. I was outraged, and not a little revolted. This was a dreadful way to make a point. She had obviously read between the lines and noted my contempt of human stupidity yesterday when I was speaking of how they didn't have the sense not to contaminate their own water, and now, even though I didn't engineer it that way, I'm part of that contamination. Was it coincidence that she scratched, that she made me think she was doing what I wanted to draw me in, then committed the worst sin when I was there to watch the dirty deed? Or was she removing all traces for the enemy to follow, for, although it pains me no end to admit it, next time I used that box it did smell a lot cleaner, a lot less attention drawing, and once she'd poured more water on the waste to make it go away, I couldn't smell it in the bathroom either. I am at a loss to know what is going on. Did she do it to spite me, or is she operating on instincts so deep that she doesn't even need to be taught to get rid of poopoo far away from the place of safety where you live? I'd thought they had no sensible instincts left in them, but was I wrong? I'm sorry to say that for once I have no answers. This owning the human can be very confusing at times.

There's some super news to lighten the indignity though. We've had another person enter our competition! This brings the number up to 2 and a bit. One cat left a comment saying how great Soft Claws were, but not why she wanted them or what size and colour she needed, so we're not sure if she wants to be entered or not. Still though, this leates entry means we have one more!

Thank you to all those who commented on yesterday's post. The hit counter is an excellent idea, but I'm not sure how accessible they will be with Screen Reader. That's the little man in the computer whose job it is to read all the writing to the human. He must get so tired of doing that, you know. Anyway, he's not the smartest of little men, so sometimes he can't cope with difficult coding or reading things that have graphics. One of you offered to help us put one in, and if it's Ok, we'll take you up on that and see how it goes.

Amy and her Cats said that one of these days they're going to have me as a Friends on Friday. I'm super excited about that, oh yes I am! There's also the chance that a person who makes a living out of annoying peoples and cats by pointing one of those flashy boxes at them is going to come and take pictures of me. They used to only do peoples weddings but now, sensibly, they've decided to branch out and want lots of cat pictures. I told them I thought I'd be just perfect, and they're thinking about it. If they come, the human will only have to give them moneys to feed the big metal machine (the human says it's a car but I know better) so that he can run all the way from their house to mine and back again. I'm a bit worried about this. I send her to work to get those moneys for my foods. I'm not sure I like the idea of it going into someone else's belly. He needn't think he's getting any of my tuna! If they do come though, it means lots and lotsa pictures for the blog which is super!

Anyway, enough from me for today. I need to work on sleeping off the memory of replacement.

The Human Enigma

Well, what can I say? From having very little comments when I wrote yesterday's post, I had people respond to me that I didn't even know read the blog. If a cat can be said to be humbled, I guess I was yesterday, although I'll not admit that ever again, even if I'm tortured with things as vile as tuna I can't reach! An upstanding ladycat should never confess to being humbled. And yet, it was incredibly nice to see all of the comments from peoples and cats, some of whom I didn't even realise were visiting me from day to day. Thank you all for continuing to read. It means an awful, awful lot.

Now, the title of my post speaks volumes, because the human is a bit of an inigma. On Puss-Puss' Blog
I've been discussing how the wake up habits of my human are not only inappropriate, but distressing and dangerous too. To illustrate my next point, I'll reproduce what I said to her there.

Puss-Puss, this behaviour you speak of is something my human exhibits every single day of her life. Hers is extreme, however. She maintains that she doesn't have time after the work hunt to sit down and provide a comfy, self-heating, soft place for me to sleep until I have decided that it is time to wake up. Firstly, she states that she must clean the house, wash bedding, de-fur the furniture. My answer to that is that if we are clean, that is all that matters, bedding is better when it has your scent on it and not the smell of horrid human soap, and that I spent much time and effort furring that sofa, thank you very much, and could she kindly leave it alone. She tells me she doesn't have time to listen to my complaints either. The nerve! My human has also gone a step up on the bell idea first thing in the morning. I trust that you will agree that when you sleep, it is not advisable to allow strangers into your den. You are vulnerable when you're resting, after all. My human,however, thinks it is acceptable to wake up to the sound of a myriad of peoples voices which come from a small box on the bedside table. There is even occasionally music too. I have to admit that it is a most effective waking mechanism, for it has me on alert immediately. I feel it my duty to protect the human from her own stupidity, and that involves being on the watch to save her from intruders. The thing that gets me though is that she chooses the voices. She used to have a beeping box instead, but maintained that she didn't like it because it woke her in a bad mood. I'm sorry, but waking up at all before you've finished sleeping would put anyone in a bad mood, whether it's through voices or beeping. They are strange creatures, these peoples, but their stupidity does make them indeering, no?

I am sure I am not the only cat with a human who exhibits these strange, and quite frankly worrying behaviours on a daily basis, but her latest complaint has me making some of my own.

My human uses a litterbox. It's not a propper bathroom spot, having no sand, no area to dig in, nowhere even to stand to do the business. Rather, it is a bowl filled with water. The first time I watched her use her box, I was most distressed. First of all, she sat, or at least, did the human equivalent of sitting. now even a kitten knows that if you sit down whilst going to the bathroom, you're gonna get one messy rear end, and then, what's worse, you'll be forced to clean it off to preserve your rightfully gained reputation for being one of the cleanest members of the household. That is not a pleasant mouthful as I am sure you will agree, but the human would have a worse time of it than me. Her spine is not as flexible as mine. This probably has to do with old age and the fact that she doesn't regularly do her stretching exercises against a scratching post, but the fact remains that she cannot clean herself all over as we can.

To get back to the story at hand, I watched in fascination and no little disgust as she sat down on the water bowl. I could not believe she was wilfully going to contaminate a good, clean water supply, and, as I would with any of my own kittens who attempted such a horrible trick, I shouted at her. It had absolutely no affect, and, right before my horrified eyes, she, well, she used the box that is not a box. I remember stopping dead, sitting back and just staring at her in disbelief. It was outrageous that she had not only ruined a lot of good water, but hadn't listened to my sensible warnings into the bargain.

From that moment on I took on the task of educating her to propper box uses... Or trying to. I ran with the idea that she was a newborn kitten as far as brain power was concerned. In this way, I could find it in myself to forgive her for what she'd done. She knew no better, so how could I punish her?

As I would with my own, I called the human, and for once she came. I made a show of walking to the box, then called her again, just to make sure she had her full attention on me. I then climbed into the box and, in the politest of ladycat fashions, I did what I needed to. I'm not always quite that austentacious, but she is a lady-human, and needs to be set a standard for manners. I scratched around in there for quite a time, making a lot of noise to show her that I was burying the nasty. I knew I needed to do this to combat the fact that her eyes did not work. When I exited the box, I did the mummycat to kitten chirrup at her to tell her what a pleasurable experience it was, then called her to let her know it was her turn.

Now, were she a kitten, even the most dim-minded of the litter, she would have attempted to clamber into the tray and copy me, even if it did take a little urging. I urged her all right, but she simply looked puzzled and asked if I was feeling all right.

Friends, whenever she is around I repeat this education. I will accept that it sometimes takes a few demonstrations before kittens get the hang of what they are supposed to be doing, but after months, she was still ruining the water, and seeming quite content to do so. I demanded that a box be brought into the living room so that I could ensure she had full hearing of my actions whenever I decided to go. Through a judicious use of crying, scratching and leaving litterbox presents on her sofa, I finally convinced her to move it. But it was to no avail.

I will call to her every time I come from my box demonstration, hoping against hope that one day the penny will drop and she'll come to the box like a good human for her toileting. Bug has heard me do this when the human is talking to him on the phone, and the pair find it highly amusing. I don't. It takes a lot of effort to keep up the manners and the demonstrating all the time, and they don't seem to appreciate that.

I still fail, after wracking my brains, to understand why humans choose to go to the bathroom in such an undignified and frankly dangerous manner. At their most compromised they are still visible, and they don't have anywhere to bury the waste to throw other animals off their scent. What is more, they contaminate good drinking water, and while I know that there is usually a lot in the bowls for me and Dogface, the human is reduced to drinking it from bottles. That bowl is human sized, so I can't understand why it doesn't click with her that if she stopped putting her waste in there, she'd have no need to ration herself to bottles. Her bowl is self filling and everything, but no matter how many times it does this and sweeps away the waste, she's just right back there the next time.

Do any of you have explannations for this? Is it a behaviour you have witnessed in your peoples? Have you had any more success than I in training them out of this worrying habit? Is there an instinctual reason why they do this which I am simply not aware of?